Tree #6

Tree #6 marks the last tree that was planted in honor of Aubree. This tree is called a Bloodgood Japanese Maple. It was given in her honor by some great college friends who have been there supporting us through everything. A big thank you to Kristy, Mark, Christy, and Chad...We love having so many trees around our yard that are in her honor. Everywhere we look she is there..We also feel so blessed to have these trees because they are constant reminders of the loving, supportive people that we have in our lives. We would not have made it through all of this without such great support. I just wish that we lived closer to some of these people because we would be able to spend more time with them!

The Japanese Maple is a really neat tree in that the leaves are almost purple in color at different times of the year. I love that fact about this tree because that is Aubree's birthstone being that she was born in February. I also like this tree because the leaves are really delicate and intricate just like her. It is such a beautiful tree.

As for me..I'm doing better today. I went and got a pedicure just to ease some of my stress. I had a gift card from my best friend from my birthday last year so I figured now was as good as any time to use it. Sending a big thank you to her..she had no idea what my future held last year when she gave it to me so her gift was even more wonderful then she even knew it would be...

Tomorrow is Halloween so the kids are extremely excited of course. Carley is going to be Jessie from Toy Story and Parker will be Buzz Lightyear. I wonder what Aubree would have been..

It's Been A Week..

This week has not been a good one at all. It has been emotional to say the least. We had my sister's shower on Sunday at my mom's house. It went really well, and I think everyone had a nice time. I can't say that it wasn't hard for me to see her opening up the really cute baby girl things..I am very happy for her, but it still hurts to see those kinds of things since I never got to put Aubree in anything like that. That was just the start of my week...

I was watching Oprah, which I have been doing just this year when I have the time, and she had on a family who lost all three of their children in a horrible car accident. Hearing things like that really got to me before, but now they are gut wrenching because I get it now..I can't even imagine losing the other two at the same time as I lost Aubree. They were on the show to show that no matter what happens in your life you have to keep on going. I truly believe that, and this family is the model of strength. She was a stay at home mom who had no children to care for..Wow. She did end up having triplets a year after the accident though. They will never replace the three that she lost, but they are experiencing joy as a family again. After sobbing for an hour for this family I received a phone call from my good friend to let me know that a woman, whose family goes to our church, just lost her twins at 22 weeks gestation..She thought I would be a good person to tell since I might have something to offer them in the way of support. My heart broke all over again for this family too. I immediately ordered my favorite book to send to them in hopes that it can provide some comfort in this awful time of their lives. This poor woman not only lost her twins (a boy and a girl), but she lost her brother too. He died of cancer after his senior year of high school. This family has been through a lot, but this woman's mother is a pillar of strength. She is a huge part of our church, and she has always been a positive person regardless of what she has gone through. Now she just lost her grandchildren..Please just pray for this family as they begin the grieving process. It was a bad day in general..too much heartache.

The rest of the week has been tough. I have been fighting something which has made me very tired and not feeling like myself at all. Parker has been sick again with a terrible cough so I'm sure we are all fighting whatever he has going on. Mike and I have barely talked all week it seems like. Every time we try to talk we are interrupted by the kids. Even he said that he can't find the joy in things right now. I guess we are both at the same place right now. It's not a good place to be in, but I am hoping and praying that this too shall pass. I know that grief comes in waves so hopefully we are both just in one of those waves right now. I am just so tired of feeling like someone else..I want to be the joyful person that I was last year (maybe minus the house-building stress). I have this picture on my desk from last Halloween, and the joy on all of our faces is so apparent. Where is that joy and when will it come back??

Instead..

Today marks eight months in Heaven for Aubree and eight months of grief for me. I think about what she would be doing right now..sitting up, smiling up at me with her big blue eyes, laughing, maybe even crawling like her brother was at this point, babbling, etc..I think about all of those things that I would be experiencing, but instead I just get to sit in front of my computer and write about all that she should have been doing. I know that she was never supposed to live with us, but it still hurts to think about all that I had to miss with her.

I look at all of the babies that are about the age she would have been, and I find it hard to look at them because I see exactly what I am missing. I want to stay away from them, but I just can't. I am drawn to them even more because I miss her so much. I just have to find the joy in other babies because I don't have one. I know a lot of people find it easier just staying away from other babies because it is too hard to be around them, but I just love babies so much to be able to do that.

I feel so numb to all of this, and I feel like Aubree has been forgotten by many. Many people never say anything about her anymore or even ask me how I am doing. I have a few wonderful people who do, but most of the world has gone on as normal. That is just how things work. I had a girl I know write me a nice message this week about how she still thinks about Aubree and about me all of the time. It was nice to hear that she has not really been forgotten by all. It is funny how people you don't even really know are the ones who give you the most support. I was talking to a lady from our church last week about life without Aubree. She was able to be so supportive because she has been there, and she asked me how I was doing even after all of this time.

Last Saturday night Mike and I went and saw Phil Wickham and MercyMe. I really only knew one song by Phil Wickham, but that particular song ("Safe") was one of the few that really spoke to me after Aubree's death. He is amazing live! MercyMe was of course as amazing as ever. I think this was the third time we have seen them, and they amaze me every time because they sound the same as their cds do. The concert actually really got to me because when Bart sang "I Can Only Imagine" they played slideshow of a whole bunch of people holding pictures of loved ones who have gone on as well as a few pictures of moms with their deceased infants. That really got to me. I really can only imagine what her life is like in Heaven, but the part that really hurts is that I wish I could see her life here instead. I know she is much better where she is, but I can't help that I have a selfish nature and want her here with me to celebrate her eight month milestones..

Bittersweet..

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I have been thinking about my sweet baby girl today in many ways as well as the many other babies that have gone on to Heaven before us. I have been thinking of their wonderful mothers, fathers, families, etc., that have had to endure the pain of losing a child. There truly is nothing worse in my mind. We have had a very bittersweet day here at the Berk household. I learned first thing this morning that my nephew was born safely at around 7:30 and that he was doing really well at just 4 pounds, 10 oz. I was so thankful that both he and Connie were healthy! It is sort of a strange day in some ways because I am always going to celebrate his birthday on the same day that I mourn her loss.

I was doing Carley's hair this morning and talking to her about her new cousin when the dreaded question came up..."Mommy..will Baby Owen be sick like Baby Aubree?" I have learned to just let this roll off of me, but I still can't stand the fact that she is associating babies with sickness. I know that is all she knows right now, but it sort of bothers me that even Carley has an unhealthy view of birth, pregnancy, etc. I hope that we can change that in the future by just being around other healthy babies!

We decided to do a balloon release today for Aubree since it is the 15th. My kids fought over who got to hold the balloon so we finally agreed that we would all do it as a family while Mike took some pictures. I kept trying to stay together for the kids, but a few tears escaped when Carley told me that Jesus wanted Baby Aubree with Him. She is right. She also told me at least five times today that she missed Baby Aubree. I know she is just feeding off of me, but I wonder if she misses the idea of having a baby around since we made such a big deal about it last year. Who knows...I lit the candle that my best friend from high school got for Aubree at 7:00 in remembrance of her and all of those other babies that are with her now..I just hope she can feel the love that comes from us every day even though she is so far away from us. Tomorrow we will plant her tulips..

My "Perfect" Family

Today we went to our local pumpkin patch for their pumpkin festival to enjoy the festivities as a family. We all had a really good time for the most part. Parker had a major meltdown at the pumpkin patch and had to be taken to the car kicking and screaming..not sure why, but it did not allow for us to spend any more time there with friends! Anyways. While we were waiting for the hay wagon to take us back to the festival this lady commented about what a perfect family we had..she said how pretty I was, how nice looking my husband was, and then went on to say I have a boy and a girl..how perfect. Wow..it was really nice to hear, but it really just stabbed me right in the heart. My family is far from perfect, but we might look that way from the outside to some people I guess. It really just goes to prove my point..we don't know anyone's story, and they might just look "perfect" from the outside..It was a confidence booster I guess especially since my "perfect" little children have been so trying these past few days. :) Mike said he was waiting for me to say something to the lady about how untrue that was, but I just kept my mouth shut. I don't take compliments very well so I really didn't know what to say except "thank you." I wasn't in the mood to blurt out about how we lost a baby so that really doesn't make for a "perfect" family in many ways. I love my family so very much even though we all have our flaws. Sure I would love to have Aubree in my pumpkin patch pictures this year, but I will just to have to settle for the beautiful family pictures that we were able to capture today.

Kickboxing..

Yesterday was a bad day all around..I woke up just not feeling like myself. I was angry, upset, and just plain tired. Parker was cranky and that made for a bad morning as we were trying to get out the door to preschool. He did end up getting Hand, Foot, and Mouth again (yeah..it has only been a month!) which makes us thrilled as you can imagine! I guess that explains his bad mood yesterday at least. I was just feeling really down when I went to get my mail, and when I opened up my mailbox I found the DVD that I had pre-ordered for Carley for Christmas and a box from a good friend of mine. I opened up the box to find a beautiful ornament hand made by one of my friends in honor of Aubree. It made me cry because it was just what I needed to see...she has not been forgotten. I love the fact that everywhere I look in my house I have something to remind me of her. I refuse to forget her. I am sort of in a phase where I refuse to be ok with what happened to her though too..I am angry. Why do other people get to have healthy, living babies over and over again? What makes them so much luckier? I know so many people who get pregnant very easily and then go on to have a "million" kids. The part that kills me is that they take it for granted because they don't know what it is like for others. They don't stop to think about others and how hard it is for them. Why would they? Their lives are "perfect." I know that isn't the case for most people, and they certainly don't see their lives that way, but it would be nice for them to stop and look around at the hurt in the world for once instead of being so self-absorbed in their own little wonderful worlds. Wow..sorry about that little rampage, but I guess I needed to get it off my chest today.

As I was doing my kickboxing routine yesterday afternoon with my Ipod cranked up as loud as my ears could take it I found tears streaming down my face as I punched my anger out..I have no idea who I was punching, but it felt nice to get it out. I have just really been missing her lately, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I feel like I have lost complete control of my life, and I am scared to death about that. I can try to be in control, but I have no control at all. God is in the driver's seat, and I have to just go along for the ride. I can't change what is meant for my life..I have to learn to be content and to accept the life He has chosen for me. Up until January of this past year I was pretty happy with all of the blessings He has given us, but 2010 has really stunk for me thus far. Yeah..I know we got to move in to a new home, have had some other blessings, but I had to bury my daughter..I think 2010 has been a rotten year, and I am looking forward to putting it behind me.

Praise You In This Storm

This morning in church we sang "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I have always believed that this song has a great message being that we are told to praise God even though we may not be able to see through the rain..I was having a bad morning this morning, and I obviously needed this reminder today. I feel like I have been going along just fine, but I obviously allowed my emotions to get the better of me today. I haven't cried..just felt really down today for some reason. I'm not sure if it is the weather or what, but I just don't really feel "happy." There have been moments today that have made me laugh..Parker pointed to Mike's bellybutton and asked if that was his "bellybutt." He is so cute sometimes! I wonder if I truly will be able to see through the rain at times. I get so sad sometimes when I look at all of the babies around me..when do I get to have a living baby? I know that I have two children and that I should be thankful for that, but it is hard to forget the child that is not with us anymore. I miss her. I can't help it.

Today was the Day of Remembrance at Blue Spruce Park here, but we didn't go..In fact, we haven't gone to anything they have offered as of yet. It isn't that we aren't ready to go to this type of event..it is more like we don't really want to..I know that sounds terrible, but I really don't feel like surrounding myself with other people who are upset. I need to be around happiness right now in order to get through each day. I love the support that I get from all of my friends who have gone through this, but I just didn't feel like crying with people I don't know today. The support that gets me through is the people that are positive. I have heard that several of the people in this area are not positive at all..The lady who is in charge of the bereavement group at the hospital told me that we are one of two couples who keep her going..everyone else can't even get out of bed at times. I can't go back there. I need to keep going forwards so that is why we chose not to go. I honor Aubree every day when I think of her, pray for her, take care of the trees that were so lovingly planted for her..I look at so many people who are joining together this month because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and I am so glad that they are supporting each other. I just didn't think I had it in me today to stand around and mourn Aubree and all of the other babies that were lost..I think about those women every day and the women who will be in my shoes at some point..I don't wish that on anyone, but I am so glad that there are events out there who are bringing these families together so they know they are not alone. I guess I just might not be ready to throw my physical being into those events just yet..

I do wonder if this whole world would be different if we all were able to "Praise You In This Storm."