Friday, October 22, 2010

Instead..

Today marks eight months in Heaven for Aubree and eight months of grief for me. I think about what she would be doing right now..sitting up, smiling up at me with her big blue eyes, laughing, maybe even crawling like her brother was at this point, babbling, etc..I think about all of those things that I would be experiencing, but instead I just get to sit in front of my computer and write about all that she should have been doing. I know that she was never supposed to live with us, but it still hurts to think about all that I had to miss with her.

I look at all of the babies that are about the age she would have been, and I find it hard to look at them because I see exactly what I am missing. I want to stay away from them, but I just can't. I am drawn to them even more because I miss her so much. I just have to find the joy in other babies because I don't have one. I know a lot of people find it easier just staying away from other babies because it is too hard to be around them, but I just love babies so much to be able to do that.

I feel so numb to all of this, and I feel like Aubree has been forgotten by many. Many people never say anything about her anymore or even ask me how I am doing. I have a few wonderful people who do, but most of the world has gone on as normal. That is just how things work. I had a girl I know write me a nice message this week about how she still thinks about Aubree and about me all of the time. It was nice to hear that she has not really been forgotten by all. It is funny how people you don't even really know are the ones who give you the most support. I was talking to a lady from our church last week about life without Aubree. She was able to be so supportive because she has been there, and she asked me how I was doing even after all of this time.

Last Saturday night Mike and I went and saw Phil Wickham and MercyMe. I really only knew one song by Phil Wickham, but that particular song ("Safe") was one of the few that really spoke to me after Aubree's death. He is amazing live! MercyMe was of course as amazing as ever. I think this was the third time we have seen them, and they amaze me every time because they sound the same as their cds do. The concert actually really got to me because when Bart sang "I Can Only Imagine" they played slideshow of a whole bunch of people holding pictures of loved ones who have gone on as well as a few pictures of moms with their deceased infants. That really got to me. I really can only imagine what her life is like in Heaven, but the part that really hurts is that I wish I could see her life here instead. I know she is much better where she is, but I can't help that I have a selfish nature and want her here with me to celebrate her eight month milestones..

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