Friday, October 8, 2010

Kickboxing..

Yesterday was a bad day all around..I woke up just not feeling like myself. I was angry, upset, and just plain tired. Parker was cranky and that made for a bad morning as we were trying to get out the door to preschool. He did end up getting Hand, Foot, and Mouth again (yeah..it has only been a month!) which makes us thrilled as you can imagine! I guess that explains his bad mood yesterday at least. I was just feeling really down when I went to get my mail, and when I opened up my mailbox I found the DVD that I had pre-ordered for Carley for Christmas and a box from a good friend of mine. I opened up the box to find a beautiful ornament hand made by one of my friends in honor of Aubree. It made me cry because it was just what I needed to see...she has not been forgotten. I love the fact that everywhere I look in my house I have something to remind me of her. I refuse to forget her. I am sort of in a phase where I refuse to be ok with what happened to her though too..I am angry. Why do other people get to have healthy, living babies over and over again? What makes them so much luckier? I know so many people who get pregnant very easily and then go on to have a "million" kids. The part that kills me is that they take it for granted because they don't know what it is like for others. They don't stop to think about others and how hard it is for them. Why would they? Their lives are "perfect." I know that isn't the case for most people, and they certainly don't see their lives that way, but it would be nice for them to stop and look around at the hurt in the world for once instead of being so self-absorbed in their own little wonderful worlds. Wow..sorry about that little rampage, but I guess I needed to get it off my chest today.

As I was doing my kickboxing routine yesterday afternoon with my Ipod cranked up as loud as my ears could take it I found tears streaming down my face as I punched my anger out..I have no idea who I was punching, but it felt nice to get it out. I have just really been missing her lately, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I feel like I have lost complete control of my life, and I am scared to death about that. I can try to be in control, but I have no control at all. God is in the driver's seat, and I have to just go along for the ride. I can't change what is meant for my life..I have to learn to be content and to accept the life He has chosen for me. Up until January of this past year I was pretty happy with all of the blessings He has given us, but 2010 has really stunk for me thus far. Yeah..I know we got to move in to a new home, have had some other blessings, but I had to bury my daughter..I think 2010 has been a rotten year, and I am looking forward to putting it behind me.

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