Cards

Do you ever wonder why you were dealt the cards you were? I have been thinking so much about that today for some reason. I'm not sure why that is, but I feel like we have been dealt some pretty rotten ones when it comes to our kids in some ways. I would love for my kids to just have a normal childhood. I feel like I robbed Carley of that in some ways because she has been asking some very grown-up questions these days apparently. My little sister is pregnant and she asked her if her baby was sick like Aubree..wow. That makes me so sad because it means she is associating pregnancy with sick babies..She should just be thinking about the wonderful things that come out of pregnancy instead of thinking about never meeting that baby because they were sick. My sister says that her thinking is really normal, and I shouldn't worry about it...I can't help it. My three year old wonders if all babies are going to turn out like Aubree. I would hate if she asked some random stranger that just because she was pregnant..talk about scaring someone! I just don't want her to be thinking about it..I want her to just enjoy life and not wonder about what really happened.

I think about how my kids are normal, healthy kids for the most part, but I also think about the things that just aren't "perfect." I drove by the Meadows today which is an ice cream parlor that is always packed in our little town because they serve custard. I am not a big fan of it, but we have gone a few times over the years because they are always changing their flavors. Anyways. I simply thought about how we never get to get ice cream because Carley is severely allergic to all dairy products. Why? Why does Parker have skin that feels like sandpaper and he reacts to different things all of the time? Why are they both tongue-tied? Why did Aubree have Trisomy 18? When do I get a child that doesn't have any issues at all even if it is just something simple? I would love to just have one child that I didn't have to watch like a hawk when you went anywhere because you just never know what they might eat without you watching. I realize that our problems are minute compared to what many other people face, but it is just so frustrating that I don't have one child that doesn't have something going on...It just doesn't make sense to me when I see people who have a million kids with no problems at all..Why does that happen?

We went to a family reunion yesterday for Mike's family. It was nice to see people that I haven't seen in a long time, and it ended up being quite an adventure for us because I left the kids suitcase in Carley's closet...I had to run to Wal-Mart for some supplies and then to The Gap so they had something to wear. I tried to find some clothes at Wal-Mart for them, but they didn't have anything that would fit Parker since he is so darn small. Anyways. I did get lucky in that everything was an additional 25% off the sale price so I got some good bargains regardless. Mike's cousin and aunt asked me how I was doing..I just said that I am doing good..I am really doing good. I don't know what else to say because it's not like I can crawl into a hole and die. She wasn't my only child. I have to keep on going for everyone else's sake. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am. I really don't feel that strong. I feel in denial...