Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Four Months..

Today marks the four month mark since Aubree went home to be in the place that I long for at times just because I get to be with her. It is on days like this that I think of what she would be doing at this point..rolling over, smiling, cooing, sleeping through the night maybe, etc. I just can't believe it has been four months when I feel like she was just with me yesterday. I seriously believe that my heart has bubble wrap around it at times to keep it from breaking into a million pieces. How else am I surviving without her? God keeps reminding me of the little things that I need to be thankful for in small ways, and I am very thankful for all that I have. I spent so much of my morning smiling at Parker because of what he says to me or because of the beautiful smiles that always light up his face. I see sunshine when I look at him. He makes me "forget" what happened sometimes..

I ordered Carley a Baby Be Blessed doll today for her birthday in September since the lead time on them is about 10 weeks and they aren't even taking orders for personalized items in July or August. I put the scripture verse "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 on her doll because I have felt that this verse has really been speaking to me lately. I hope that she can read it every time she looks at her doll and know that she is loved by someone much greater then me. When you love the Lord the pieces of your life just seems to fall into place..they may not be the way that you thought would be best for you, but you must trust that He knows what is best. I hope that both of my children grow up loving the one who ultimately created them..

Today is going to just be another day without Aubree. I miss her every day, and I am finding it easier and easier to talk about her. I did find that my heart rate goes up when I talk about her though. I was laying on the table on Friday during my procedure with a device on my thumb that was monitoring my heart/pulse, and when the one lady asked me how many kids I had I watched my numbers increase drastically. I never want to not acknowledge her again so I made sure and told them three even if my heart was pounding out of my chest..why..I have no idea. I just hate the sympathy at times. I hate that I have to get sympathy. I should just be excited about talking about my kids instead of telling people about my baby. The look that people give you is horrible, and I really try to avoid that at all costs but I will not keep her a secret. She is my daughter, and she will be my daughter for the rest of my life. I love her, and she is worth talking about. I am sad because I have spent four months without her, but I am happy because she has spent the best four months of her life in a place where there is only peace..

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