I met with one of the nurses/grief counselors from the hospital this morning because she had a few things that she needed to get to me. I sat and talked to her for almost an hour over a cup of coffee about grief and just about how I was doing. She handed me an envelope that contained Aubree's official pictures from the hospital that all babies get done, but mine were complimentary. I guess that is just one of the perks of not bringing your baby home. If you get to bring your baby home you have to pay for the pictures. Sorry...just a little sarcasm even if I do appreciate the pictures. I also got a "birth certificate" for her baby book. It isn't real because I only get a real death certificate due to the fact that she was stillborn. Anyways. I didn't want to look at the pictures or the birth certificate until I was at home and all alone. When I opened up the envelope a gasp escaped..She was my beautiful baby girl, but I saw her so differently this time. I was able to see what I couldn't see up until now. Her ears really were low on her head..She wasn't perfectly formed like I originally thought, and she looked pretty bad in these pictures. I know she was not living, but the fact that you could see death all over her was astonishing to me. I just can't believe it. I will put these in her baby book with pride though because she is mine even if she looks a little rough from the circumstances. It is just so funny that the love that I have for her has made me forget that there was ever anything wrong with her. She was so perfect in every way in my mind, and seeing those pictures reminded me that she died because of her "imperfections." I just sat on the back porch with tears streaming down my cheeks onto those pictures because that is all I have..I want to hold her again, kiss her cheeks, dress her in something more beautiful then the white doll dress she had on, sing to her, dance with her like I did while I was pregnant, etc. I try so hard to keep it all together all of the time, and to just be me for the sake of everyone around me. I am tired of being so strong, and I am tired of acting like I am ok. I miss her..I want her back..I wish this never happened to us...
I have made a big decision though. I have been wracking my brain for a way to honor her and to help others. As I was talking to the nurse this morning I was reminded of the wonderful book that helped me so much through this process, and I think I would like to donate a bunch of Angie Smith's books to the hospital so they can give them out to all families who have lost a baby. I can only hope that Angie's words can bring them comfort like they brought me. The nurse said it might not be appropriate to give them to all families because it might not be taken well..I'm not really sure about that. What if Angie's book brings them into a relationship with Christ that they never had before? God works like that, and you just never know what He has in store for you until you allow Him in..I don't usually advocate books that much, but this is a worthwhile read for anyone because it allows you to understand what those of us who have lost a child are feeling. It sort of brings you into our minds..it won't be an easy read, but it will help you to be a little bit more compassionate about what we have gone through..In fact..it will just make you more compassionate period..
You can buy the book at any bookstore online at this point..not sure if they have them in the stores just yet since it was just released on May 1st of this year. I am enclosing a link to buy the book if this is something you feel would be a worthwhile read.