Another Rough Day...

Today was going to be a rough day to begin with because we had to make funeral arrangements for Aubree..it didn't make it any easier that my milk came in overnight..not only am I in a lot of pain physically but it has been very emotional for me as well. I know my body is just doing what it is supposed to be doing, but I can't feed my daughter in the way that I am supposed to. I love everything about nursing..the closeness, the bonding, the feeling that I am providing my child with the best nutrition out there, etc. I have to miss out on that completely..I never even got a chance to help her grow or to bond with her in that way..it is just so difficult for me to get past this..I know I will, but there is just a big part of me that is grieving that alone.

I actually held myself together pretty well while we met with the funeral director. We just discussed the basic stuff and then we discussed her burial. I never in a million years thought I would be picking out a funeral plot for myself at 30 years old. I could never let her be buried alone though...It is nice to know we will be together not only in Heaven but in the ground as well.. I was fine until they showed us the casket..it really isn't what I wanted for her, but to be honest with you it will never be good enough for my little girl. The hard part was that her blanket (the one that my mom and I made for her) was in the casket...it was just so hard to see it again and to know that is where she will be placed...I get that she is dead, but there is still a part of me that is just waiting for her to wake up...I'm just glad I didn't have to see her today..I want to remember her as the beautiful little girl that she was on Monday. It also killed me knowing she was in a refrigerator somewhere at the facility...a refrigerator...that in itself is almost too much to bear as a parent..

We met with Pastor Brad to go over her Memorial Service. I think that went well, and I am happy with how it will go...the songs that we have included are almost too difficult for me to listen to, but they are so perfect for her and for this situation. I listened to the one tonight for the first time, and I cried so hard for my little girl..how will I keep it together on Saturday morning? So many people have expressed that they would love to come to her service. I would love to include everyone in this event because I know they want to be there for us, but I personally can't handle it..I am having a hard enough time being around my immediate family. Seeing my sister today was hard enough, and my other sister is coming tomorrow..I just can't keep it together, and I don't want anyone to see me like this. I truly appreciate the love and support we have from our family and friends. I don't want them to have to experience this service in so many ways..it is not going to be easy at all for anyone..I am so thankful for everyone who wants to be there for us so please understand that our keeping this service small is merely because I just can't emotionally handle large crowds right now.

We are just taking things one day at a time right now. I have set up two pages that anyone can donate to in honor of my beautiful girl. Her obituary will be in the paper tomorrow...I just can't believe I have to put an obituary in my daughter's baby book...this is all wrong in so many ways, but I know that God is bigger then all of this...he is going to hold me up and carry me through this...

This song is the anthem of my life right now, and it keeps reminding me I am not alone...

Your Hands by JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands