Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Just Another Snowy Day

Today was just another day in the Berk household...my kids were a bit cranky thanks to not being able to get outside or get their way for that matter..I can say that I think I have only teared up once so far..what a big accomplishment for me! I am still not really ready to go out into the "real" world and talk to a lot of people..I am still not answering the phone when it rings unless I feel like I can talk to whoever is calling, and in all honesty it has really only been one person that I have been able to talk to or even see..I keep hoping that each day will get easier for me. I have a great group of moms that I get to see every Friday for coffee, and one of those moms asked me if I would be up for a play date on Friday..I would really love to see them because it has been a while and because they have been so supportive of me..I just don't know right now..I know I can't stay hidden forever. Everything I have read says to keep seeing people in order to help with the grieving process. I just don't know how to carry on without crying about everything..So many people have told me they would just cry with me if need be...that doesn't sound like much fun to me! Why would I want to have people over to cry? I feel like my life is morbid enough as it is..I would love to just laugh again like I used to..I might just try and push myself for the play date..it might be good for me and for my kids.

We took the kids over to the house tonight so they could see the carpet that was installed today...they were so excited...they were also out of control! I am not sure I want to move in with them if they are going to be like that! :) They are truly getting excited about having a new home. I am starting to get more and more anxious about it. I was in such a rush before because I had to get ready for the baby...I am not really pushing anymore..I feel like we don't really have to prepare for her because she probably won't come home..I hate thinking that way, but I know we have to be prepared for that. It breaks my heart every time we go over there and Carley has to go see the baby's room..It is right at the top of the steps so every time we come up them that is what we see first. We painted it a beautiful green color that is honestly my favorite room in the house..My mom said that she was glad I liked it since I would be spending so much time in there..not really the case anymore. I don't even know if I will be able to keep the door open for a long time. Do I set up my nursery or do I do something else with that room? Mike still says he wants another baby..I just don't know at this point. I need to see how we come out on the other side first. Aubree's room will always belong to her in my mind..how do I give it to someone else or even put anything else in there? I know you get through that, but I am still at the beginning stages of this whole grief process. I told my best friend yesterday that I think I might be in denial for years..

As for now Aubree is very active. I had to go pick out a countertop for over our washer and dryer. I had a tile with me to match up the colors and when I bent down she actually kicked the tile through my shirt..it actually moved...Isn't it crazy how something so small can be so strong? She really is a Berk...:)

1 comment:

  1. If you want a good laugh....think about "two big ones and a little one" and the naked hot springs. In fact...think about the entire Spring Break 2005 in Durango. :) I know I am trying to be funny but I wanted to just give you a little giggle or maybe just a smile for today. :) I am praying for you always.....just know that. Love you