Friday, February 19, 2010

So Thankful

I am so proud of myself for forcing myself to go to play date this morning...it was so nice to see my friends and to just get out of the house with the kids for a bit. They had so much fun too! It had been way too long since I had seen anyone or their kids. It was nice to just relax and talk about happy things. I did tell them that my only requirement was that we not talk about it. We talked a bit about it, but I didn't cry! Yay me! They were commenting on how strong I am, and everyone keeps saying that they don't think they could be strong like I am being...how do you know? We are so much stronger than we think we are. I also reminded them that they would do the same as me...we can't crawl into a hole and die..we are mothers who have families who depend on us. They did agree to that statement! Also..the one thing I have noticed the most about people who have been through this (at least the ones who talk about it), and are still positive is that they all have one big thing in common..faith in God. Every single one of the people who are willing to share their story and are still functioning in a normal fashion are people who have God in their lives. Hmm..wonder why? Every time someone asks me how I am getting through this that is my number one response. I can't do this alone...

I guess more and more people are reading this blog..I started it for myself and didn't even tell anyone I was doing it because it was more for myself than anyone else. It is a good way for me to express how I am feeling since I am not really good at doing that verbally. I also wanted to express my feelings without anyone listening because everyone just wants to fix how I am feeling..there is no fix for this kind of pain. I know everyone thinks I am so strong...I'm not always that strong..I cry several times a day, and I sometimes feel like I can't breathe, but I have to hold myself together as much as I can because it truly upsets Carley. I get depressed thinking about all of the little clothes that I will never get to buy for her or all of the fun memories that we won't get to have with her, the excitement of her first smile, her first steps, etc...I know reading all of this is tough for many of you, but like I said..I wrote it for myself to express my feelings..I never really thought anyone would want to read this, but the more and more people who find it are thanking me because now they know how I am doing and what I am thinking. I guess I never really thought about it like that..see..we learn something new every day! Even Mike said to me, "Good grief Amanda..you didn't tell me I needed a tissue to read it." Believe it or not I didn't even give him the address for a while..He is one of the worst for me in that he just wants to fix everything...He along with my mom and several others just want to take away the pain. Mike is probably one of the best men out there in my eyes...not only is he a fantastic father, but he is a wonderful husband. There is never a day that goes by that I don't feel love from him. He is sensitive, caring, Godly, and he loves us with everything he's got...Boy am I lucky..I feel like I won the jackpot in the marriage department...

I am so thankful that we have so many people who love us...We truly are blessed, and we thank you all for being there for us through this.. This road is not going to be easy or short unfortunately, and I can't promise you that I won't be ugly at times, but I am going to try my hardest to keep my eyes looking upwards and being thankful for everything that God has blessed me with. My sister recently found another song that is perfect for Aubree's memorial service. It is by a group called Selah..The lead singer to this group lost his fourth child Audrey because she was "incompatible with life." I guess they were able to spend two hours with her after she was delivered. His wife wrote a book that I might just get for myself, and she also wrote the words to this song..you might want to grab a tissue...

I Will Carry You-by Selah (Audrey's Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

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