Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Overwhelming Sadness..

The last post I wrote I really had a bad feeling about Aubree..she was just not the active little baby that I knew her to be...I decided to hold out until Sunday to see if maybe she was just having a lazy day...Sunday morning we got ready, and I called the doctor. He said I could wait until Monday morning because it doesn't usually happen that quickly. I didn't think I could hold out another day so he agreed to let me head up to Labor and Delivery to be hooked up to the monitors. Once I was there the poor nurse looked for about half and hour..hearing nothing...I can't even imagine how I would have felt if I hadn't known this was a possibility..She finally called my doctor who was already on his way in. He hooked up the ultrasound to take a look..sure enough her little heart was not beating anymore. I knew it, but to hear it is just devastating..We made the decision to just induce because I really didn't want to walk around with a dead baby for another day or so..too much to bear I think. They did some kind of pill to stimulate labor since my body was not ready at all. They said that it should take at least 3-4 pills for labor to really start. As soon as he inserted the pill I was contracting within minutes. I guess it was a little gift from either Aubree or from God himself. Another gift I didn't mention was that Miss Aubree turned for me..she was head down and ready which made a lot of things easier on all of us. I decided that I didn't want to feel any pain with this labor so I decided to try Stadol..didn't like it at all..it made me feel extremely tired and almost dizzy. The pill had to be inserted every 4 hours so we had a long night ahead of us. I really wasn't comfortable at all since I had a lot of pain with contractions that never stopped..back to back. I requested an epidural, but for some reason the guy wasn't getting his pages so it took him about an hour or so to even get in there. I was given another dose of the Stadol to take the edge off the pain. In the meantime I was feeling sick to my stomach probably because of the stress and probably because it is a side effect of the pill that was causing the contractions. The did put me on meds. for that thankfully so that at least went away temporarily. I went to almost 1 cm. with the first pill and then 2 cm. with the second pill. The third pill was inserted around 10:00 so we decided to try to rest a bit. I ended up getting a really bad headache that was due to a high fever from the darn pill...they gave me Tylenol to help, but it didn't take away the headache unfortunately. I heard a little noise and felt a popping sound so the nurse decided to check me. I was at 5 cm. at around 1:30. They said that my water was about to break so it would all happen very quickly from here on out. We called my mom so she could be there for the birth. I was very tense and scared since I wasn't sure I was ready to see her or to face the whole event. I kept asking God to give me strength to do what needed to be done...At around 1:50 or so Dr. McCoy came in and they saw her head. The broke my water and one half of a push she was out at 1:57. She was so beautiful and so tiny...She had a full head of dark hair. I guess that is the one thing I was wrong about..I really thought she was going to have red hair..I guess she just had the red head personality..a little fiery! My mom got there right after her birth. They wrapped her in a blanket and finally gave her to me to hold. I was amazed at how perfect she was in every way..and how much she looked like her big sister Carley..I can't imagine how much hair she would have had if she had been born full term with as much as she already had at 31 weeks! She was beautiful and really had no physical signs of Trisomy at all..only her ears were a little flag...they were down a little bit farther on her head then they should have been. As we looked at her little 2 pound, 13 1/4 inch body we took in everything about her. She had Parker's lips, the same nose as both of my kids (still not sure where the button nose comes from..), my eyebrows and eyelashes (blond as can be), her daddy's toes and legs, and she shares several of the same characteristics as Carley..facial structure, hair color, long legs, big feet, and her long fingers. We spent most of the day holding her and loving her. I know that might sound a bit morbid, but it was so beautiful to just hold her and get to spend some time with her. I never wanted to let her go. The funny part about all of this is that she isn't tongue-tied..Everything else in her body was wrong, but she got that one right! A little humor from God I guess. She did have the umbilical cord wrapped around her little leg three times so that is why she ended up going as quickly as she did...This was of course was a result of her being so wild! As horrible as this whole experience was it was made a little bit easier by the hospital staff. They were so amazing with us and with her. They treated her like she wasn't gone. There was one nurse in particular who deals with this stuff as part of her job description. She bathed her in the room with us and she dressed her in clothing made by volunteers in the community..What a wonderful gift they can give to families in our situation. They honestly made things as easy on us as they could. It took me a little while to feel my legs so we didn't get moved until around 8:00 or so. I honestly think that was the best epidural I have ever had..I felt nothing at all and the doctor made sure of it before he left.

We were put in a room at the very end of the hall so we wouldn't hear any babies crying..my hearing is too good so that really wasn't the case for us. It was ok though..babies are a gift even if it is difficult for us right now. We had a photographer come in from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to take some pictures of her around 9:30...she was so wonderful and she shared that she too lost a baby at 32 weeks so she knows how we feel. I always wondered how some people can be so strong in these situations. I think it is a wonderful gift that you can give to a family, but I also think it would be so hard to physically do it. We talked to her for a while, and then Pastor Brad came in and met with us. He listened and then he gave us some resources to begin planning her Memorial Service. My mom and dad came in so he could annoint/baptize her. I know she is already with God, but it still meant a lot to us to have her body go through the process. We spent the remainder of the day taking turns holding her and loving the time we had left with her. Mike and I had our steak dinner last night to celebrate her birth..it's just too bad we didn't really feel like we had much to celebrate. We are both having a hard time finding our appetite these days.

Mike decided that as long as we were given the ok we would be going home asap. I of course didn't want to leave her, but I really didn't think I could ever leave her. We got discharged and got ourselves changed. I of course couldn't breathe, but Mike kept saying how we needed to do this...They finally came and got her, and I had to say good-bye which was probably the hardest thing next to delivering her that I have ever had to do in my life. I left the hospital carrying my pillow..not the infant carrier that I should have been carrying..The pain we feel right now is unbearable at times, and I sometimes feel like I can't really keep going. I know my hormone levels are dropping so that really isn't making this any easier...I know God is not going to abandon me now since he has already brought me so far, but I am truly grieving the loss of my daughter. I don't get to set up a nursery like my friends do, and I don't get to nurse my little girl, and I don't get to see the color of her eyes, or see her smile at me..I know she is smiling in Heaven, and I guess that does help to know she is in no pain at all. My little girl is an angel..Mike made me realize that she honestly has it better than we do right now...he's right..I just have to keep on going...I am going to take things one day at a time, and I am going to hope and pray that each day it gets a little easier to breathe..


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  2. Amanda, I am in JWCC with you and came across your blog. I have been in your shoes, our daughter Angelia Hope was born sleeping almost three years ago at 27 weeks due to Trisomy 21 and a heart defect. Please know that I will be praying for you, and if you need to talk to someone who understands the tremendous pain you are feeling right now, please email me. I am so very, very sorry for your loss...

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. Your llittle Aubree was a beautiful little girl. I'm sorry she isn't with you. Praying for peace for you as you carry her little sibling.