Sunday, February 28, 2010

One Week Ago..

One week ago today I found out my baby was gone...I look back at that moment, and I honestly can't believe it has been a week already..where did this last week go? I feel like this is still all a bad dream and that I am going to wake up from it any day now..I wish that was true..I know it is going to take time to heal the pain, but I just feel so drained and so numb. I just can't understand how I am supposed to go on like nothing has happened..

I went outside with the kids this morning to play in the snow..that brought a smile to my face just seeing the joy on their faces every time they threw a snowball or went down the hill on the sleds. I really got a good laugh when Mike went down and hit a huge wall and actually got some air..the kids thought that was pretty funny too. Even Roxie was enjoying herself today which is crazy since she hasn't had much energy these days..she seems to be feeling my grief. She has always been really good about that..she knows when I am just not myself and when I need her the most. It is funny how dogs can be that in tune with your emotions..Thank goodness for that though!

I am just trying to keep on going...I am finding small tasks to be a bit easier these days...I just haven't been able to even do small things lately..my mind is just not there these days so any little thing that I get done is a major accomplishment for me. This sounds silly, but I was able to give my kids their vitamins last night..I was actually able to remember to do it.. I just feel so badly for Carley and Parker because I am not really their sense of security right now. I know I sort of checked out, but I am really trying to give them extra love every chance I get. I want them to know I am still here and that I am not going anywhere. I know Carley has some fears about all of this, but I need to reassure her that there is nothing to be afraid of. I can't promise her that I will always be here because that is a lie..we have no idea when our time is up..I just want to make sure she feels secure so she isn't afraid..

I feel like our life is just going on in one big blur...we are all just going through the motions without really feeling time passing. I know that each day will pass and that I will make it through each and every day in some way or another. The one thing that I don't want to do is to ever forget Aubree or to never talk about her..she is my daughter, and I want to make sure everyone knows that she is a part of my family. I bought Parker a shirt that says "Big Bro" on it. I contemplated giving it to my best friend for her little boy to wear since he is the right age and since he just recently became a big brother. I have decided to keep it for Parker and to let him wear it because he is in fact a big brother even if his little sister is not with us anymore..We are not going to forget her, and my kids will know every little thing I can share with them about her..Aubree is a Berk and they will need to know about her so they know who to look for once they get to Heaven...

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