Monday, March 1, 2010


As I was lying in bed last night I was amazed at how I can remember feeling Aubree moving around inside of me and what it felt like to feel her little feet "dancing" across my belly. I can remember being pregnant with my other two kids and how I would be so surprised at how quickly you forget what it feels like having them kicking inside of you..I have yet to forget any of that with Aubree. I guess she is truly ingrained into every part of my being. It has been one week since I delivered her, and I can't say that I have forgotten any details of that day. I'm not sure I ever will be able to forget since that is the only day I got to hold her in my arms. I find myself wishing that I could rewind my life to when we didn't know that she was going to pass..back to the days when we were just excited to be adding to our family. I would also love to rewind our life because we could then take even more time appreciating her. We can't do that though, and that just goes to show us that we truly need to make every day count with those we love because every day could be our last. In reality we are all dying each and every day...we just have no idea when our final breath will be. Only God knows that for sure.

So many people have told me how losing a child can tear a family apart, and I get that in a lot of ways. I know how hard it is and how emotional it is to experience grief like this. Some say it is the hardest grief you can ever experience. As a parent it is never want to bury your kids. You are supposed to go first. I feel even more in love with Mike now than I did before. I never worry about our marriage falling apart because we have been through so much already, and our love just keeps getting stronger and stronger through each thing we go through. I am just so thankful for him, and I am so grateful that he has been here to pick me up when I just can't seem to make it out of bed. Every time I turn around he is there for me..I am one lucky girl to have so much love and support around me all of the time. I just make sure that Mike knows every day how grateful I am for him, and I thank God every day for blessing me with him as my husband.

My kids continue to ask about Aubree. I dread going in to kiss them at night because they keep asking to kiss her like they did before she was gone. I go through the same story every night with them..I have to explain to them where she is and why we can't go get her just yet. It is almost like getting a punch in the gut every night because I have to talk about something that is still so raw..I did sit the kids down last night to show them the pictures we have of her..I'm just not sure they get it at all. I honestly think they just see the pictures and they don't realize that is their sister. It could be one of them as a baby for all they know. I'm not going to quit talking about her or showing them the pictures because they need to know her and that she is a part of this family. I'm sure they will get it at some point. They never met her so it seems like she is just a fictional character in one of their books right now. One day when they are a bit older they will understand. As for now though..I'm not going to give up trying to honor her in the way that she deserves to be honored.

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