Monday, March 29, 2010

Five Weeks

Today marks five weeks since Aubree was born, and I am still missing her like crazy. I had my follow-up visit with my OB this morning, and I felt like I was going to freak out in the waiting room because there were new babies, ready to burst pregnant women, and just other mothers who were so happy to talk about their new babies..There was a time that I felt like I couldn't breathe so I just kept taking deep breaths to keep the tears from flowing. I know I probably looked like the unfriendliest person because I couldn't smile at the new babies or little kids who were making others laugh. I just didn't have it in me today. I almost thought about bailing, but I thought that I would have to come back anyways at some point. Once the waiting room started to clear out I felt much better. I got lucky in that my favorite nurse was the one that I got to see. She asked me how I was doing, and she told me about how I had been on her mind since she found out what was happening with me. She also inquired about how my other kids were doing, etc. She has always been so sweet, and I feel like I can truly talk to her so I did. I cried of course, but I did share my pictures with her. She was glad that I had some, and she took them to share with the other office staff. When Dr. McCoy came in the first thing he did was ask me how I was doing, and then he came over and hugged me for the longest time. I cried more of course, and we talked about how things have been going for us. He did share that he was very glad that things went the way that they did because he didn't want me to have to watch my baby die. I made sure he knew how wonderful we thought he was during the whole ordeal. He knows firsthand what it is like to lose a child, and he was able to share with me a little bit about how we learn to cope..He said everything looked good and that I could resume my normal exercise, etc. If he only knew I have been exercising for about a week or so now he might be upset with me! :) He hugged me again before he left, and he told me what great people we are...I told him we thought the same about him. He also said he was honored that he was able to deliver her for me. I knew there was a reason I picked this man to deliver my children. He also said we will get to see Aubree again..I know that for sure so that does make this a little bit easier to bear at times. When I went out to make my yearly appointment the entire office staff greeted me with red eyes. They were so glad that I shared the pictures with them, and they were so glad that I had them to begin with. I explained to them about NILMDTS, and they were as amazed as I was the first time I heard about them..what a wonderful gift they are to those of us who have to experience this. The part that really amazes me is that they actually take the time to take beautiful pictures..they truly care and they get it..Years ago (from what I have heard) they didn't even let you see your baby or tell you what it was. Some women that I have come in contact with never named their child or have anything to remember them by...they are our children! I don't know how anyone could look at a child (no matter how small) and ignore the fact that they are someone's child regardless of whether they were lost in a miscarriage or as a stillborn..My heart goes out to those women because I'm sure they always wonder about their children, and they have nothing to hold on to except for their own memories of when they were a part of them..

It just hasn't been a good day emotionally in many ways. Carley keeps reminding me today that she never got to hold Aubree. What am I supposed to say to her? I just keep telling her that she can someday once she gets to Heaven. I know she is not getting it..I seriously think that she believes Aubree is still out there somewhere and that we just haven't brought her home yet. She also keeps telling me today about how much she misses her and how cute she thinks she is..I have to agree with both statements...When I told the doctor about Carley's comments he made a knife in the heart sure does feel that way sometimes. I know how badly they wanted a baby to love and to "pet" as Parker says. I was so excited to be able to give that to them, and it is so hard to watch them with other babies doing what they wanted to do with their sibling. I know they will be fine in the long run, but it still hurts to see them wanting something that I just can't give them right now. Maybe in time if we are meant to have another Berk in our family..My heart is still too heavy right now to even be able to think about that. Dr. McCoy recommended at least six months if not more in order for my heart to heal..not sure there is really a good timeline for that though. I think you can be ready before, and I also think you might not be ready for a long time. Everyone grieves differently so there really is no answer there. I think you just know when you are ready to move on, and I think that God should play a role in that decision..he will let you know when it is time.

I have always loved the worship song "Better Is One Day", and I have been getting comfort from Psalm 84 through this.."Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;.." Psalm 84:10

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