Thursday, March 4, 2010

Just Another Emotional Day...

I took Carley to preschool this morning, and as I dropped her off I realized that I was supposed to work in one of the rooms today..Luckily the director had over-scheduled the help just in case I wasn't up to it..I could barely even walk in there without crying so I didn't think I was in the right state of mind to help out in any way. Parks and I headed to Wal-Mart which is probably my least favorite store in the whole world, but I needed to get a few things for the house. I figured we would be quick, but I can never seem to find anything there since it is so spread out so almost two hours later we were running almost late to pick up Carley..I did run into a friend today with her little girl. It was the first person I have seen since all of this happened. I cried of course..what's new right? I dread seeing people because I can't keep it together. It was really nice to see such a friendly face though. Maybe seeing her will help me see others..I don't know. I know I don't need to keep it together, but I really hate crying in front of people or in public for that matter. I also know this wound is still really raw so it is going to take time to heal. I have so many friends who want to see me, and we have been invited so so many things, but I am finding that I have to decline everything. I want to see them I really do, but I just can't seem to find the strength to call them or to just say "yes." I know everyone understands, but I don't want to stay hidden forever...I just don't know how to go back out there and live my life in some ways. I just hate that I can't look people in the eyes when they are talking to me because I can't keep myself from falling into pieces. I don't want to be like that. I am just hoping and praying that time will heal this wound, and I will go back to being myself at some point.

We have been packing up boxes and slowly moving things over to the house. I am starting to get excited about seeing my furniture and my things in the house..that is one positive right now I guess. We were over there last night and our neighbors stopped by to drop off a fruit basket and a card. I didn't talk to them since I was inside, but Mike had the chance to meet the one neighbor. It is sort of sad when you have to get a welcome to the neighborhood fruit basket that also includes a sympathy card...What a way to meet someone...The one neighbor is a teacher at Horace Mann (my sister had her in school actually), and she wrote on the card that two books will be added to the Horace Mann library in honor of Aubree..What a beautiful gift...I was so touched by that..The one book that they are adding is actually a favorite of Carley's so I'm sure Aubree would have loved it just as much..It is nice to know we have some nice neighbors...I hope to meet them once I am able to talk in complete sentences to people outside of my family..

Carley and Parker continue to ask about Aubree. Parker kept asking to kiss her again last night, and I tried to explain again that she was in Heaven (in the sky as we tell him). He lifted up my shirt and exclaimed, "I found her..." If only it was that easy. Carley continues to have accidents just about every night...she hadn't had one overnight in months until this happened. I know this is all normal, but I hope she is able to get past this..I just worry about how she is really doing..There is just too much change going on for her right now with Aubree passing and with this move. I know she is excited about sleeping in her blue room and about being in her new house, but I also know she is afraid of leaving her Mimi...My mom has been a rock for her through this, and I am so thankful that she has been there for her because I just haven't been...I am trying, but I am just not able to be there 100%..I hope to get back to myself so Carley can rely on me again...Her teacher did tell me this morning that she was really missing her mommy while she was at school..I hope we reconnect soon because I do miss her needing me in that way..Time will heal all of our wounds I'm sure..

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