Bittersweet

Today marks the seven year anniversary of my marriage to Mike. These seven years have held some of the best times of my life and some of the worst. We began our marriage so in love and excited about what the future would bring. You never think that you would have to go through so much pain in a short seven years though. Infertility was the first heartache that we experienced, then the miscarriage, and now Aubree's loss. Even though all of those things could potentially tear us apart they have brought us much closer to each other. I realized through my miscarriage that he was the one that truly gave me the most support. He was the one who was going to physically help me through it. God is of course the most important in every other aspect. He was able to get me through it by providing the comfort and peace that I needed at that time. I can't say that I was a nice person at that time because I was pretty angry at God (and then felt guilty for being angry with God), but he truly didn't stop letting me know he was there regardless. One day I "woke up" and realized that I had so many other things to be thankful for. I began trusting that God would provide again. Even my faith has gone up and down so many times in the last seven years. I can say today that I love Mike now more then I did when we first said, "I do." He makes my life that much happier each day when he comes home from work or when he kisses me before he leaves. In many ways these past seven years have been wonderful even if they have been laced with so much pain. The pain only makes us stronger! I am sending a big shout out to my best friend and to the person I truly want to spend the rest of my life with today...I love you, and I want you to know how much you mean to me..I never want you to feel like you are ever taken for granted because you deserve nothing but the best. Happy Anniversary baby! I can also say that I love God more today then I did when we first got married too..God really does know what he is doing when he brings two people together and allows them to share a life together. He knew we would be perfect for each other even if I was a little hesitant at first. I think back to that first day I met Mike, and if you would have told me then where I would be in seven years I would have laughed..I never thought in a million years that I would end up marrying the annoying guy from upstairs! Thank goodness I was able to give him a chance and see what his true character was like. My life is so much better because he is in it...so a big shout out to the big guy upstairs today too..Thank you for opening my eyes and for allowing me to find such a wonderful man to spend my life with!

The bitter part of today is that it was exactly one month ago at 1:57 this morning that Miss Aubree came into this world sleeping. I shared her pictures with the kids this morning, and they seemed excited to see her. Carley wanted to know when she could hold her. I explained again that Aubree was in Heaven so she couldn't hold her right now. She then went on to say that she wanted to go to Heaven to take the rubber duck that is hers to her. I told her that she was not going to be able to go to Heaven just yet to give that to her, but I would love for her to go and give it to her someday though. She seemed ok with that answer. I know she still doesn't understand where Aubree is. It is such a hard concept to understand even for adults I think sometimes. I have been thinking a lot about her today because she would have been a month old. I know that even if she wasn't sick she would have been a little behind developmentally because she was only 31 weeks, but I think about how she would have been starting to smile about now..one of those moments as a parent where your breath is taken away..There is nothing more precious then a first smile from your baby. It makes all of those sleepless nights and all of the crying worth it all. I know she can't smile for me here, but I'm sure she is smiling now all of the time. How could you not smile in such a perfect place? I miss her so much, and I still sleep with her blanket from the hospital every night. I wish it held her smell, but she never had one to begin with so I don't even have that to hold on to. Mike said she did..she smelled like a hospital and like me..she didn't have her own smell in my opinion. As I was looking at her pictures today I just thought again about how perfect and how beautiful she was. I know I am her mother, and I have to say that, but I really feel like she was a beautiful baby. I wish that I could just see her again, but I guess I am just going to have to be patient..I want to wish my baby girl a Happy One Month Birthday today...I hope her celebration in Heaven is wonderful.

I am trying not to dwell on her being gone because I know that she is much better off now, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard to deal with her being gone every day. I am here grieving because my time with her was so short. I never get to watch her grow up, get married, have kids, etc. I don't get to see what she will look like as a teenager, adult, etc. I only have that one day to remember her by and even that wasn't even a full experience. I can imagine that she would have looked like Carley did at a year, two, three, etc, but the hard part is that I never get to know..Letting go of her a month ago was the hardest thing a parent ever has to do..I knew that day we left the hospital that I would never see her physical being again..When we left that hospital room I felt like my whole world was going to come crashing down on me. I didn't know how to go on without her. Sometimes I still don't, but I am learning..As I sit here with tears just streaming down my face I think about tomorrow and how life goes on even when we just want to "crawl in a hole and die" sometimes. I love my other kids and Mike way too much to do that to them, but there are times that it would be easier to just never get out of bed..God continues being faithful though..he is pushing me, and I have to say that he is doing a good job of keeping me afloat. I think I will celebrate the beautiful life that I have today, and I will continue to be thankful for all that God has given me even if I am a bit on the sad side today..