Saturday, March 13, 2010


We finally have internet again. I wasn't sure we were ever going to get back on. I do have to admit that I was able to get a lot done this week though..We are finally getting settled in to our new house. We all love it because we have so much more room to spread out. We can actually find our things now! Mike is just excited to not have to live out of boxes anymore. I still have things that are missing, but I am hoping to come across them as I continue to unpack boxes. We have almost everything that is important for daily living unpacked so that helps to make life a bit easier. I just have about a million bins of clothes to go through...I am amazed at how many clothes my kids had!

This week has been busy so that has helped a bit with the grieving process. I did have a really rough day this week though. I cried pretty much all day over little things. I seem to have a pattern..every other day is rough. I just feel like I am never going to be happy again. I did call Heather this week. She was the first person I talked to. Mike keeps telling me he is not going to tell me what to do or how to grieve, but he is giving me goals for each week. This week my goal was to call someone, and next week my goal is to actually see someone. I don't know why calling Heather was so hard for me since we usually can talk each other's ears off, but it really was hard for me. I was uncomfortable because after small talk I had nothing to say..I haven't shared anything with her about how everything went so I started there..I of course cried most of the time while we were on the phone. I hate when people have to hear me cry or see me cry. It is just something that I am not comfortable with. I think that is most of my hesitation when it comes to seeing people. I just don't want people to see me like that..It was really nice to hear her voice though because I don't feel so alone. She has been able to give me some good advice since she has been through death with her dad, and she even has a friend from college who lost a little girl to Trisomyy 18 too...It's nice to hear from her that everyhing I am going through is all just a part of the grieving process.

Unpacking has been hard in some ways too because I have come across boxes upon boxes of baby stuff that I will not get to use...I won't get to wear the adorable clothes on Aubree that I is so hard to see that stuff when this is not how it was supposed to be. I have to return a pack-n-play, sheets, and various other baby things to Babies R Us today because we will not be able to use them..I loved the print we got too..I feel like I have my life divided in two parts now. There is the before part (when I was happy) and now there is the after. Every time I see a date or think about something that happened before January 22nd (our initial ultrasound) I catergorize that as before when I was happy...Oh my goodness..I just realized that she died exactly a month after we found out something could be wrong..then she will be gone for month on our anniversary..Wow..It just happened so quickly...I just feel like I have barely gotten a chance to wrap my brain around the fact that something might be wrong...I just wanted the chance to do the baby stuff again..

As sad and as messed up as I feel right now, God keeps on providing...I am still getting out of bed each day, and I am finding more joy in each day. The JJ Heller song "Your Hands" keeps playing over and over on the radio. God keeps reminding me that he is still there holding me up even when I am falling apart. It truly does help just knowing that Aubree is in such good hands. I couldn't take care of her any better..

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