Friday, March 5, 2010

Such A Mess...

Today was the first day of our move...we just had the movers bring our stuff from storage today and that was enough. Our house is an absolute disaster! We had it cleaned before today, but it is already a mess of course. I am still trying to get my kitchen in order which is going to take forever. I just see endless piles of boxes in the garage that are labeled kitchen...I don't feel like I am ever going to get it organized. I am really excited to have all of my stuff back though, but I just wish that I knew where to put all of it! It will be an adjustment process just like every day is right now..We will eventually get things unpacked, but I am really starting to think it is going to take a long time! More unpacking fun for all tomorrow I guess...

The kids were so excited to come over to take their naps at the new house..Parker got a new big boy room, and he was really excited since his new room is full of balls..We tried to put him in his room for a nap, but after a while he was back downstairs telling us that he woke up..I don't think he is ready for a big boy bed just yet, but I also don't think we can keep the crib in his room either. Oh well. I guess time will tell..Carley was really excited to see her room again since it has been about seven months since she saw her bedspread..She actually screamed for a while before she went to sleep. She is not happy about all of these adjustments. She will get used to it eventually I'm sure. I think it is has just been too much for her these past few weeks, but I am hoping that once we move in we can all connect more as a family, and she can not be so afraid of change.

I was pretty busy today so I didn't find myself thinking too much about Aubree, but when I came back to my mom's house I saw all of the dead flowers, and it reminded me of her..It is so hard to throw them away because they were so beautiful at one point, but they obviously lived their life and now needed to be discarded..It is just another reminder to me of what is lost..On a more positive note..I got a note in the mail today from my very best friends from high school. They have arranged for a Magnolia tree to be planted on Aubree's behalf in our yard...what a wonderful gift to honor her and to help us remember her. I am so thankful for that beautiful gift..it really meant a lot to me that they thought of us..I wish that I could see them all so I could give them a big hug and truly let them know how much it means to me...I wish I could hug everyone who has done something nice for us or is going to...we have had a lot of people express an interest in honoring her in various ways..how wonderful is that? She truly will never be forgotten! I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives..

I have been trying to stay strong as usual, but there were two moments in the past two days that just really got to me..Yesterday I was driving with Parker in the car and the song "Homesick" by MercyMe came on the radio. I have heard this song several times before, and I have always liked it. It really got to me yesterday because I really listened to the words. I am really homesick..If you ever listen to the song or if you know it you will understand. I am homesick for Heaven because that is where she is..I know I need to concentrate on enjoying the time I have here with my family and my friends, but I can't help wanting to be with her. I want to know her like I know my other kids, and I want to be able to see what she is truly like...Some day..I just need to be patient and to enjoy my life right now..The other moment that got to me was when I was packing up some things this morning and I came across the pregnancy test that I took when I found out I was going to have her..It was still very positive. The funny part about it is that with my other two kids I got a result that basically said, "I think you are pregnant." They never really had a strong second line on them..with her pregnancy it was an instant shout out of "You are definitely pregnant" because the line was very dark as soon as I took the test..Even then she was had Trisomy 18, but my pregnancy was very strong regardless..I can't even begin to understand why it happened this way..Maybe because God was telling me right from the beginning that she was going to stand out from the others..She was such a fighter up until the very end, and I'm sure she is still fighting today for something!

Tomorrow is another day, and I am hoping that my mood continues to improve. I am pretty exhausted from being on my feet all day, but I am at least feeling good that I am getting something accomplished. I think God's timing was as perfect as ever with this whole ordeal..

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