Wednesday, March 3, 2010

And The Quiet Begins..

Today is the first day that I have been on my own..Mike went back to work, and my mom took my sister and the girls back to Chicago today..I was really nervous about how I would be with just the kids all to myself...It is actually just like it usually is..Sure I am sad, and I am having a hard time coping with things that normally are easy for me to deal with, but I am able to just do my motherly duties like I used to before all of this happened. I am trying to keep myself busy packing up our stuff that seems to have just been scattered all over the basement...wonder who did that? I am very overwhelmed by all of the packing and unpacking that we have to do. I am also fretting over where to put everything since it is a completely new space. I am worrying about stupid stuff again, but that is really all my mind can think about right now..I need to keep myself busy in order for my mind not to just wander to the one day that I got to be with her..I think of her so often, and I find that simple little things set me off. I know it takes time, but I can't wait for the day to come that I can only think of her with a smile on my face instead of crying about what is gone..

I look at the pictures of her often, and I am looking forward to sharing them with those who want to see her..I am carrying them around in my diaper bag so I can brag about her at any given moment just like I do with my other two. I know that a day will come that people won't even remember when she was born and that is something that I am struggling with right now. I will never forget her, and it is so hard to imagine that so many people will when she is such an important part of me..I dread the day that I don't think of her all of the time just because I got too busy...I don't want to ever forget anything about her because I only have so much to hold on to..I also don't want to waste my life away just holding on to her and not enjoying the two kids that I do have...It is such a hard thing to figure out the right balance there..I just have to keep remembering that she is much better off now, and she is certainly not alone...

I am just trying to get used to being alone again because this is how life is going to be come Saturday...I was looking forward to having the distraction of a new baby in a couple of months, but I guess I am just going to spend even more time with my other kids so we can reconnect. I feel pretty distant from both of them lately due to the fact that I was very busy with the house, and then I was really out of it after we got the news about Aubree...I feel like a whole month passed by, and I have no idea what happened in that time..I need to focus on being "Amanda" and not just an empty shell for them..They deserve their mother back..

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