Dreary Day...

Today is not really helping my mood at all..I was much better this week when the sun was out and shining. The sun really does have great benefits other then the Vitamin D factor..it really is a mood enhancer for me at least. I just wish that the "sun" could shine again all of the time for me..I came across Aubree's death certificate today as I was going through some of her things. Mike told me last night that we had gotten her outfit back from the funeral home that she wore there so I wanted to see it again. We had her buried in something else that we had gotten for her so I wanted her original outfit that the hospital provided back to put with her things. I found her tiny little hospital bracelet too..that alone set me off..it was so tiny and she wore it to mark that she was mine to make things easier for the funeral director. At the hospital they usually mark the babies with all different kinds of bracelets and a electronic one that will go off if someone tries to take the baby off the floor..we didn't get one of those. Who would want to take her off the floor except maybe for me? Anyways...I read through her death certificate and realized how awful this whole thing is. Her cause of death was due to a cord accident...a cord accident..They did mark she also had Trisomy 18, but that did not cause her death in this case..in some ways it allowed the cord to become wrapped around her leg because she was so small due to T18. If she had been bigger she might not have had as much room to move around and to get tangled, but it still was the main reason as to why she passed...That is just crazy to me in so many ways..

We returned all of her things last night to Babies R Us..it makes me sad to return it, but I am glad it isn't just sitting around here anymore glaring at me..Mike says that we will find an even better one if we have another child..We were supposed to have a nice evening out last night, but I ended up crying most of the time. The poor waiter kept asking us if everything was ok since he could obviously see the tears in my eyes and the anguish on my face...I guess I just needed to talk about some things with Mike last night since we haven't really had much of a chance to catch up lately with all of this house stuff going on this past week. We did get a lot accomplished last night so it was a successful evening in many ways though. Mike was happy to get a big burrito..he is always in the mood for them these days. We went to El Campisano's..one of our favorite Mexican stops when we go to Monroeville. It is always nice to have a meal without screaming children..:)

I did actually feel some joy yesterday when I was playing with the kids..I haven't had the energy to do that for a couple of weeks now, and it felt good to just run around and play with them. Parker's giggle is so infectious, and it always brings a smile to my face. I don't know what made me want to run with them, but I can say that I haven't felt that good in a while so I should probably push myself to do it more often. I usually just sit with them and read or play some small things these days..I know that once I can exercise my mood will increase too..I did get a new ab DVD so that makes me get even more anxious about exercising. Two more weeks I guess.. I still need to find my favorite workout DVDs though..Jillian Michaels really knows how to kick my butt...I did one of her DVDs last summer, and I actually had back muscles for the first time in a while without going to the gym to lift..I am looking forward to using her again to get me back into shape..