It's Been a Bad Day...

Today started out really well since Carley was finally going to get to go to preschool..She was so excited to be going, and I was happy for her since she loves it so much. As we were got in the car I found a couple bags of chips (a special treat in some ways to me) in my front seat thanks to Mike. Carley asked why he got them for me, and I told her daddy was just trying to cheer me up. She of course asked why and we had to go into the whole discussion about how mommy was going to miss Aubree when she went to be with Baby Jesus. She then goes on to say, "But we will always love her..." I'm not even out of my driveway yet and I am crying...great..it was going to be one of those days...She then went on to ask why Aubree was going with Jesus and where he was and how we got there..it was quite a discussion on our way to school. She did tell me that God made all of her friends, things, etc, in this world. She also told me that she learned that at school...thank you Miss Carey! After I dropped her off I had to run a few errands. I decided to go order Parker's mattress first for his new room. The lady of course asked me if I was having another baby and when I was due. I told her, and then she continued to say how small I was...I thought for a moment...how do I handle this? This has been my main problem when dealing with the public..how do I traumatize them with my news? My mom says I have to either do it now or later when I run into them without a baby..I figured I would try out the tactic I haven't used yet...being honest..I told her that that the baby was actually really sick, and she probably wouldn't make it (with tears in my eyes of course). I told her I don't like to tell people about it because it is such an awful thing to hear..she in the meantime is telling me how sorry she is as she starts to cry...She said that is just horrible news, and she will keep me in her prayers..I guess being honest might not be the way to go..I feel so badly because I just ruined her day, and her day had just begun..I am at such a loss at how to deal with this...This is my life right now, and I can barely keep it together to even talk to people about it..I hate when people ask me about Aubree because I am so sad about her fate..Life is just not easy these days..I am also so paranoid about Carley telling random people about her baby sister going to live with Baby Jesus..I know she is going to talk about that for a long time..she told random people about my mom and dad's dog Tyson going to be with Baby Jesus for the longest time...I guess I might never get my answer here..I just have to pray for strength when answering these types of questions.

I can't tell you how many people have said about how sad it is that such a bad thing has to happen to good people..I'm glad that people see us as being "good." :) As for Aubree...she is not bad in my mind at all..she is a blessing. Sure it is hard, but she is a gift from God that I only get to keep for a short while. We get blessings every day and there is not a time limit set with them...we don't know how long we have them..some are longer than others, but what we do need to remember is to be thankful for the time we have them..God is not punishing me..in fact he is doing just the opposite. He has blessed me with an angel that has taught me so much and is teaching others in the meantime. Sure, I would love to keep her, and sure I would love to not have to go through this, but guess what...I don't have a choice in the matter, and I am going to make the best of this situation. I can remember when we were going through infertility treatments, and I witnessed a beautiful sunrise on my way to work...I remember thanking God at that moment for such a beautiful thing..When did you last thank God for things like sunrises, snowflakes (just had to throw it in there), your children, or even the food that you eat? Life is so precious..remember to be thankful for every minute of it that you have...

God has really been speaking to me through songs these past few days..I know that is a big part of how I feel close to him so I guess he has chosen that method to speak to me more clearly so I can understand. I have XM radio in my car..too bad we can't just pay for one channel though! I only listen to the Message because not only is it wholesome for me, but it is good for my kids to listen to as well. I find Carley singing along to several of the songs on the radio..and they say that kids don't listen to the words! I heard several songs this morning that really lifted up my spirits and made me cry of course, but they were just what I needed to hear. The song "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser reminds me that no matter what happens I am going to turn to God to get me through...

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day


when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way



You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things


When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you