Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, and I am sitting here just thinking about all of the love I have in my life, and how lucky I am to have the best husband, kids, family, friends, etc..The overwhelming support we have had through all of this is amazing. It truly means a lot to have people on your side because you don't have to go through this alone. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am...they only see the outside of me..The inside of me is slowly breaking into little pieces, and I am trying so hard to hold them all together for the sake of my family. Sure..I am sad, and sure I am having a hard time accepting that Aubree is going to die...but I need to stay strong because others are depending on me. Carley is already wondering why we have to say good-bye to Aubree, and she really isn't understanding that she can't live with us for very long if at all. Her questions are really hard for me to answer right now because I really don't understand it all either. I know the reason why, but I don't understand why it has to be this way..I know God is in control of this, and I know he has his reasoning, but that really doesn't make things any easier right now. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare....

Mike and I went out to eat last night at a Japanese Steakhouse called Robokyo. It was pretty good, but it was not the happy date that I would liked to have had...We then went to see Valentine's Day. It was pretty good, and we were excited to be able to see a movie together since the last one we saw together was probably Sex And The City..it has been a long time! We rarely go out on dates these days so it was nice to not have screaming kids in tow and for food not to be thrown at us...It was so quiet and peaceful, but I still couldn't get past the overwhelming feeling of sadness that seems to come along with me everywhere I go these days. I feel like a part of me is dead, and I wonder when I will truly be happy again...I know that might take a while..I like to be happy so that is hard for me to even think about...

We have been learning about Heaven in church the past few weeks, and it really helped me to know that she is going to be in a place that is perfect in every way..she will have no pain and she will be able to live her life there for eternity. Isn't it funny how you can go to church one day with all of these things on your heart, and it seems as if the message was written just for you? I find that so many times at our church or any church we have ever gone too..I even find it in some of the sayings that the local churches put on their signs...I will just drive by and what is on them is what I truly needed to hear that day...God is everywhere, and he is speaking to us if only we would take the time to listen... I think I might just try to listen a bit harder to him so he can give me the strength I need to pull through this..

Red is the official color of Valentine's Day because it is the color of our hearts...I think of red as being a color that symbolizes strength...It is a color that stands out in a crowd and it is a color that you never forget...I picked out Aubree's blanket the other day, and guess what color it is...red...She is a fighter and her heart is so strong so she deserves a red blanket. I gave Aubree my middle name for two reasons...She will not only share my initials and be a part of me, but she does not give up..she has taught me the true meaning of "hope." Aubree's name means "Elfin King." I know the name was originally a male name, but it has gained in popularity on the girls charts these days...She is going to be "elf-like" because she will be so small so that name even fits her..she might not be a king, but she will be a queen to me..

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