Memorial Day

I know what today means, but in my head it is a day to remember my daughter...we went and saw her grave for the first time since they put the grave marker up. We stopped and got flowers for her (yellow, pink, purple per Carley's request). I had them each pick the ones they wanted to give to her. When I told Carley we were going to see the place where she was buried she got all excited because she couldn't wait to hold her..my heart just sunk..I softly explained to her that she wouldn't get to hold her but that she could just see where her body was buried because her soul was in Heaven. I started crying before I even made it to the cemetery, and Carley was upset that I was crying...They had no idea why we were there or what we were doing though. Parker just ran around and tried to steal things off of other graves..It was so sweet to see them giving flowers to their sister. I was crying really hard because it was just so hard to see her marker..it just makes it all the more final to me. Mike said it was really hard for him too..I am really happy with how it turned out though. I feel like it fits her. I told her I would come back and plant some purple flowers for her next time I am in the area. I think purple is the best color for her.

We had a wonderful weekend up at our camp with my sister and my parents..I have been doing so well lately, and today was a major breakdown for me..I am so exhausted emotionally. I hate that she is so far away from me, but on the other hand it is almost a good thing because it is so hard for me when I go to see her. I would probably drain myself like this too frequently if I could get to her easily.

I am just remembering her beautiful little face today..remembering holding her on that day..remembering what it felt like to feel her moving around inside of me..remembering every little thing about her..I am just really missing her so much today..

Tree #2

We planted tree #2 for Miss Aubree, and it is probably one of my favorite trees. It is a Kousa Dogwood. The one that we got is the Milky Way variety which is really pretty. The part that I love about it is that it blooms for such a long period of time, and it blooms much later then the regular dogwoods. It has a really pretty white/pink flower. I think the reason I love this tree so much is that it also reminds me of our first home. We had one planted in our back yard at our very first house..where we began our life together..where our family began..all three of them! I am just glad we were able to bring a little piece of that house with us even if it isn't the same tree..This tree is from Aubree's Mama and Papa..I hope she likes this tree as much as I do! It is about to bloom, and it will be a wonderful reminder of what a beautiful gift she was to all of us. Thank you Mama and Papa for this wonderful gift!

Ruger!

We finally brought Ruger home on Tuesday after a really long trip! He actually did really well..I was the one who was tired! He has already brought so much joy into our house, and I am so thankful that he is such a lover..So far he is really laid back and sweet. I am sure he has a mischievous side to him though that just hasn't come out yet because he is still making himself comfortable in his new home. I do believe that he was meant to join our family for a reason. It just seems so strange to me that he was right by Mike's mom and dad's house, his mom's name was Roxie, and he was one of seven males in his litter. We wanted a male, and most of the litters we were looking at had only a few males to choose from. I fell in love with him from a picture..It is funny how you can love something so much that you barely even know! You can say the same thing about having kids though too! Anyways. He is keeping me busy since my kids love him way too much! I am about ready to set a timer so they each get a fair amount of time with him! Roxie has taken to him also so that has made things a bit easier as far as the transition goes. He will adjust in time to our crazy house I'm sure! I like to laugh about when we brought him home too because Mike told me the only requirement he had was for us to have grass..he was not happy when I told him Ruger would be ready to come home at the end of May because I was not taking into consideration the grass requirement..guess what..Mike had to mow our grass on the day we brought him home! :) I like to remind him of this fact at least once a day! He is also really enjoying Ruger.

Life has been pretty crazy around here as you can imagine, and I am not able to post as much as I would like to these days. I am doing well for the most part. I have some rough days still, but I feel better right now..must be all of the sunshine and Ruger! I spent some time with some of my friends last night at our first book club, and I met a new girl who passed a book on to me as I was leaving..I guess my friends had filled her in on what had happened, and she shared the book that helped her sister get through her loss. I was really touched that this girl who didn't even know me would want to help me..I was also really touched by the fact that my friends were looking out for me without me even knowing it..It felt nice to know that they care last night! I am still missing my girl like crazy, but I know she gets to watch us play with her puppy every day..She would have loved him, and he would have loved her just as much as he loves Carley..

Three Months..

Today marks the three month mark of Aubree gaining her wings..I don't know how I feel to be honest with you. Life has gone on around me as normal in many ways, but I still feel like she should be here. I think about what she would be doing right now..smiling, cooing, maybe rolling over, and she would be watching my every move. I watched the babies last night as they watched their mothers move around the room..some of them wouldn't take their eyes off of their moms..They had to know where they were at all times..I never even got to see her eyes. I never got to lock eyes with her to show her the love that I had in them for her. I feel like the moment your eyes connect you get that bond that will never be broken..I was robbed of that bond.

I know I am her mother, but as I was looking at the other babies here last night it struck me that she was the most beautiful..I am partial to babies with hair so that might just be why! I think that is why I thought Miss Carley was so beautiful too..Parker didn't have the hair that my girls did..I loved holding all of the babies last night because it filled a little of the void in my life..I am just such a baby person! Each and every one of those babies are so sweet, and I can't lie and say it didn't remind me of what was missing to have them all here. I thought I might freak out at one point when they were all talking about baby stuff..I just busied myself with other things, and I tried to keep from thinking about her not being here. I think about her every day though, and I have to remind myself every day that she is gone. It is so strange to think of the fact that she is dead..it has been three months already! When I look at her picture on my wall I just can't believe it..I wish she was still here..I wish I could rock her to sleep, change her diaper, love her.. She was such a gift to me, and I am so thankful that I am her mother. It was just way too short of a time with her..I can still recall the feeling of her skin against my lips..a little cool yet so soft..I hope I never forget that...

To my baby girl..I hope you are having fun playing with all of the other babies that have gone before us moms who are still here waiting to join you..I hope you know just how much you are missed..I love you..

The Pressure Cooker

I am feeling pretty good right now because as my new therapist put it "I'm letting the steam out of the pressure cooker." The good news is that I am not in the angry stage of grief, but I am justified in my anger against some people these days. I am trying not to let my anger with these people get the best of me, and I am slowly releasing my tension by just talking to someone who doesn't even know me. I find it is much easier to just spill my guts to a stranger then it is to talk to someone who loves me. I am sending a silent thank you out to the person who recommended her to me...I guess I am expecting too much of myself right now. I need to grieve..I have a right to grieve. I don't know why I think I should be ok right now. It hasn't even been three months yet. It really does feel good to finally share my feelings about how I'm REALLY feeling. I always love when people ask me how I am doing and then go on to ask me how I am really doing..That makes me think they care more because they know that I am just going to say "fine."

I am having a picnic tomorrow night for a family that is leaving our circle of friends to move on to bigger and better things..It dawned on me that it will be the first time that I will have the three babies due around Aubree's due date in my house at the same time..How do I look at all of them without thinking of her? I have decided that I am just going to love and hold those beautiful babies..sure, I miss her, but I would not want their babies..I want mine..I will just be happy for them and not look at them as what is missing from my life. When I first thought about that fact I did wonder what I was thinking..I wasn't..that is the answer to that one. I am also not going to continue dwelling on this fact either. I am going to be excited to see everyone because we could all use some good quality time together.

I came across a scripture verse yesterday that really has stuck with me..I have been thinking about it all day, and I think we should all live our lives with this verse in mind..
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow his precepts have
good understanding.
To him belongs eternal praise." Psalm 111:10

So very true..

Anger

I have been feeling the second stage of grief these days..anger..I am angry about just about everything..just not angry with God. I am angry that Trisomy 18 even exists..what is the purpose of it? I am questioning the purpose of everything down to the purpose of poison ivy..does some animal eat it as a main part of it's diet? I am angry with how people talk to me..what they say to me is taken into completely different context then what it is meant to. I feel like I am being attacked by their words, but in reality they are just making a simple statement. I am reading into everything these days when I shouldn't be..I am angry/upset with the one person who I thought was always there for me. I just want to scream, "Where are you..where have you been?" I am not an angry person either, and I just need to learn to get through this while keeping my mouth shut. I made an important phone call today..I made my appointment..I am hoping she can help me get through this without too much more anger. I know it is all a part of the process, but I don't like feeling this way. I feel like I am slowly unraveling, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep my seams shut anymore..they are going to burst, and I'm scared to death of what will come out of them.. I wish that I could just skip this part and move on to the acceptance part, but that means that I have to accept she is not coming back..I don't really want to accept that..it is too hard to accept that. I NEED to accept that..I won't ever get past this if I don't. I'm angry that I haven't been able to get to her grave for a while..I need to give her flowers..she needs something from me since I can't give her anything else..it is all I can do for her right now..To be perfectly honest..I'm angry with perfection..I found myself looking at a family with three healthy kids the other night..so jealous and angry that they got their "perfect" family..all I wanted to do was go over to them and beat them with a roll of wrapping paper..not normal..somehow wipe the perfection off of them..I of course would never do something like that, but it did cross my mind for a brief second..I reminded myself (like I always do) that I don't know their story..people could look at me and say how "perfect" my family is when we are out..they don't know what is missing..I just feel so empty..I am just so thankful for my two crazy kids..the beautiful smiles that Parker gives to me every day..the hugs from Carley..the "I Love you mommies.." Where would I be without them?

Finality..

Today started like any other day should, and then it all came crashing down on me when I received the letter in the mail that her grave marker was in place. I knew this day was coming, but I just never knew when it would actually be in place. It just makes her death that much more final..much more real to me. Now that I can actually see the marker that shows where my little girl is just makes it seem like this really did happen to me..I do feel like God put a protective barrier over me from January 22nd on..how else could I have gotten through learning about the problems, learning she would die, and then have her pass on in one month? It all just happened so quickly that it almost seems like such a blur to me...like it never even happened. She just came and went so quickly..It kills me that I even had to buy a grave marker for her. I should have been buying diapers, clothes, etc.

I have been learning of more and more people who have lost children..why? It is such a horrible thing to ever have to go through, but somehow we are all still getting through each and every day. I can say that everyone who is getting through sees the bigger picture...We KNOW we will see our children again..it just stinks that we have to wait so long..We started out our pregnancies with so many dreams for our children, but our dreams turn to anguish instead..Sometimes I wonder why God thinks I am so strong? Why me? I don't see myself as being that strong at times. I keep wondering when I might just break for good.. I get so freaked out anymore when I look at perfectly healthy babies, and I worry that something could happen to them..or when I hear about pregnancies..I worry...I need to trust..not worry. In reality..I can worry all I want to, but I will not be able to worry away anything..God is the only one who has control over anything, and He will ultimately decide the fate of a pregnancy, baby, person, etc. Worrying my entire pregnancy did nothing but not allow me to enjoy those first few months with her..I missed out on a few wonderful months with her because of worry..I just wish that I could rewind those months so I could actually love her even more..

Change..

I have been thinking so much lately about how everything in my life has changed in one way or another. Change can be both a good thing and a bad thing..I am looking at it as a new beginning. I want to be a different person..a better person. I know that I have learned how to love every day like it is my last, but I am still not at the point where I am just quite happy every day. I know that takes time..After talking to so many people who have gone through something similar I have realized that my friendships are changing or have changed. Some have solidified even more and others have slowly begun to dwindle. I have been upset about the friendships that are dwindling, but maybe I am just making more room in my life for the new friendships that I will be making in the future. Tragedy really does show the true sides of a person. There were people who were there for me right at the beginning and now they seem to be who knows where..I have really seen the true friendships that I have over the past few months, and I am so grateful for those people. They have shown me the kind of person that I want to be. I have ultimately decided not to worry about losing friendships because there is really nothing I can do about how people react to me, but I am going to continue holding on to those people who have never let me down..I know there are so many people out there that pray for me on a daily basis and are just giving me my space right now, and I feel truly blessed to have you in my life in one way or another.

What I am trying to say is that I am ready for some change around here..ready for some new experiences, new beginnings, etc. I want to be a better mother, a better wife, and I want to be a better follower..I am ready to put my full trust where it belongs because He is the only one who can truly make things right for me...

God is Good..

To all of you who have written be beautiful emails in response to my blog posting this morning..thank you..You are the people that I can always count on and who truly seem to care. I am so thankful to have you praying for me and always checking in on me! I really appreciate you all. I just don't know if I will have time to respond to your emails anytime soon since my slave-driver of a husband is making me work in the yard nonstop! :) I still love him regardless because of how much he loves me and how he takes such good care of me when I can't..Anyways. I just felt compelled to write again today because as you know I have been very bitter about people not acting like they cared. I opened up my devotional today and that is what the whole message was about..how some people never acknowledge our pain..God really was speaking to me today..Reading through Isaiah 53 I realized how much Jesus suffered too.."He was despised and rejected-a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we did not care." Isaiah 53:3. Wow..He felt the same way that I do..that some people just didn't care. The writer of my devotional, Nancy Guthrie, mentioned about how when people ignore the pain they just make the pain that much worse for us..so very true. I understand that some people just don't know how to talk to me about it or know what to say so they say nothing at all. The problem with that is that it only makes my pain much worse because it appears that they don't care at all. I know everyone deals with things differently, but if you really think about it who wouldn't want to hear something simple from people that you think care about you..It could even just be an "I'm thinking about you" or even an "I'm sorry." That is it..You don't have to have the right words, you don't have to know what to say, and you certainly don't have to take any drastic measures to let me know you care about my pain..Ignoring it just makes it worse..So for all of you who don't ignore my pain..thank you. You have provided more comfort to me then I can even express, and I love you all..

Falling..

I have been so strong for so long, and all of a sudden everything seems to be spiraling out of control. I don't know what triggered it, but all of a sudden I have been having anxiety symptoms and I can't stop crying. I have not cried much at all lately, but all of sudden the tears just won't stop. I can't even function normally right now. I am wondering if the numb feeling that I have been talking about has all of sudden roared it's angry face in the grief that I should have been feeling. I do know that I have felt fine until yesterday for the most part. I started feeling weak last week and then sick to my stomach from Thursday on. Every time I exercise it is taking everything out of me..I am not normally like that. I just don't feel like myself..I'm weak, dizzy, my muscles feel strange, I'm getting chills, hotflashes, etc..guess what..all signs of anxiety..maybe even PTSD..not sure about that one though. I have decided since I can't seem to get through all of the emotions and even just finally talking about how I am feeling to Mike makes me feel even a little bit better that it is time...time for me to seek some counseling to just deal with all of it. I have put my grief on this little shelf that is obviously getting too heavy to hold all of the emotions..it is about to break, and I need to fix it before it becomes too broken..I do recognize that there have been a lot of babies born lately, a lot of pregnancy announcements, and even Mother's Day so maybe that all together just finally made me snap..I don't know. All I know is that something needs to be done...I just can't do this anymore. I have a family who needs me..not the emotional mess that I am now..

I did have a nice Mother's Day even if Mike made me cry. "Aubree" wrote me a letter and he gave me a beautiful framed picture of her to finally add to my wall..I can finally see my beautiful baby girl every day with my other kids. I cried so hard when he gave me the letter..he is so amazing..He knew just how to make Mother's Day special for me. My other kids gave me some great stuff too..They were so excited about it. I got the new MercyMe cd..really good cd that is trying to portray the Mr. Lovewell character..they want us to live our lives that way..loving each other well. It came with a bracelet that Carley won't let me take off! It looked really nice with my dress yesterday! :) It was nice to be able to spend Mother's Day with family, but I have decided I don't really like Mother's Day..it should be called "Celebration of the Special Women in Our Lives Day." What about all of those women who want children but just can't have them, the ones who never marry, the ones who have lost children, and the ones who don't want children..they are all still special women. You can choose to honor the women in your life.. if it is your mother then that can be who you honor..maybe it is your sister, your aunt, your grandmother, etc..All women are special and deserve to be honored..just my opinion of course..I just know it was so bittersweet yesterday. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children, but I was so sad that Aubree wasn't here to celebrate with us. So to all of the beautiful women whether it be friends, family, etc..Happy Special Woman's Day."

Also..please pray for me as I finally deal with my true emotions...it might be a long road or it might be a quick one..don't know at this point, but I know it will be good for all of my family to get their wife, mother, daughter, etc. back..

Guest Room..

We now have a guest room. I bought the mattress last weekend, and it came in pretty quickly. We took the crib apart and set up the furniture for a guest room. I am still keeping the door closed though at this point. It does feel nice having a place for my in-laws and other family and friends to stay though. While I was setting it up Parker came in and asked if this was Baby Aubree's bed. I wonder how long that room will be hers in all of our minds..

I have actually been very bitter the last few days, but I all of a sudden am at peace. I have been reading through my new devotional thanks to my sister-in-law, and I have found some really good passages that have provided great peace. Lamentations 3 has been wonderful because it talks about being bitter, but it also talks about having hope. "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him." Lamentations 3:25. I am taking great comfort in that right now..I keep trying to remind myself to stay focused on having hope..God will provide for all of my needs in time. I just have to remember that it is his timing and not mine. I may not get my answers that I so desperately seek right now, but I will know one day why we are going through this. As for now I feel at peace. Sure it still bothers me that certain people have basically acted like we went through nothing, but I know that in the whole scheme of things it really doesn't matter. As long as I am not that kind of person then that is all I need to worry about.

That Spark..

Lately I feel like I am living..just living..not feeling anything. I am numb to everything, and I don't feel like myself at all. I am tired, irritable, and I have no desire to leave my house right now. I feel like everyone is slowly slipping away from me and that no one wants to actually hang out with me. The people who cared so much for so long have all of a sudden stopped asking how I am doing. There are still those wonderful people out there who are there for me no matter what and I am so thankful for them, but a few people I thought I could depend on have all of a sudden become too ingrained in their own lives to stop and ask how things are going or even just to say hello. I know I seem ok to the world, but guess what..I will never be ok again. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see dead eyes..that spark that was once there is just an empty stare. People used to say my eyes were one of my best features and now they seem to just appear "dead." When will they look alive again?

Do you realize I have family members that have never even acknowledged Aubree, her death, etc...how can you not even write a note to say you are sorry or even say anything at all about the situation? It makes me sad to think that there really are people out there who seem heartless..I'm sure they aren't, but the fact of the matter is that they care more about themselves then anyone else. I hope that I am never seen that way. I would never want to be that kind of person.

I guess I am just feeling a bit bitter today..still not angry at God about taking Aubree. I think maybe I am in the anger phase of grieving, but my anger is with others for not caring or for not recognizing how important she was to me. She was my DAUGHTER..I keep reading Angie Smith's book, and I cry with her..I feel her pain because it is MY pain. I am jealous of her because she got to hold her daughter alive for two hours. She was lucky that she got that. I can't imagine watching your daughter die in your arms, but her daughter's death was so peaceful and the day they had with her was peaceful too..not emotional. It was just like our day with Aubree. I have been reliving that day like it was yesterday. I almost feel like there is no way we could have gone through that because it was so horrible. It is a day that seems like it was a dream because I think that is the only way I physically got through it. My mind must have removed itself from the situation to protect me from the pain that it was causing. It was almost as if God took a hold of me and gave me such great strength that the trauma of it all was easier then it should have been...

Really??

We had a really busy weekend..not a fun weekend I must say, but we got a lot accomplished so it was a successful weekend I guess. I am still pretty exhausted from it though. We got most of our yard planted, but it took a lot longer to do since the hay shooter we were borrowing was not working at all! We ended up shaking the straw by hand. Oh well..at least a big part of it is done! It is also really difficult to do when you have two kids and a puppy to keep track of! The kids and Maya enjoyed helping with portions of the yard though so that did help!

Carley has been talking about me having another baby this weekend. We went out to lunch yesterday and she randomly announced that I had a baby in my belly..actually two..Mike and I looked at each other and we commented that we hoped she wasn't a psychic! She didn't say anything more about it even after we questioned her. Today she was playing "beauty shop" and as she was doing my hair (which did not feel nice at all) she asked me if I had a baby in my belly. I told her no, and she wanted to know why. I just told her that mommy was not going to have another baby right now. I also asked her why she wanted me to have another baby so badly. Her response was, "Because Baby Aubree is in Heaven." Wow! I just stared at her probably with my mouth hanging open..I really think my three year old understands a lot more then I think she does. She obviously knows she is not coming back...I am still in shock about this comment because she pretty much said what was in her heart. She obviously wants me to have another baby to replace Aubree since she never got to meet her. She is one smart cookie even if she doesn't understand the emotional issues related to Aubree's death..she does get the physical part...