Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I have been feeling the second stage of grief these days..anger..I am angry about just about everything..just not angry with God. I am angry that Trisomy 18 even exists..what is the purpose of it? I am questioning the purpose of everything down to the purpose of poison ivy..does some animal eat it as a main part of it's diet? I am angry with how people talk to me..what they say to me is taken into completely different context then what it is meant to. I feel like I am being attacked by their words, but in reality they are just making a simple statement. I am reading into everything these days when I shouldn't be..I am angry/upset with the one person who I thought was always there for me. I just want to scream, "Where are you..where have you been?" I am not an angry person either, and I just need to learn to get through this while keeping my mouth shut. I made an important phone call today..I made my appointment..I am hoping she can help me get through this without too much more anger. I know it is all a part of the process, but I don't like feeling this way. I feel like I am slowly unraveling, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep my seams shut anymore..they are going to burst, and I'm scared to death of what will come out of them.. I wish that I could just skip this part and move on to the acceptance part, but that means that I have to accept she is not coming back..I don't really want to accept that..it is too hard to accept that. I NEED to accept that..I won't ever get past this if I don't. I'm angry that I haven't been able to get to her grave for a while..I need to give her flowers..she needs something from me since I can't give her anything else..it is all I can do for her right now..To be perfectly honest..I'm angry with perfection..I found myself looking at a family with three healthy kids the other night..so jealous and angry that they got their "perfect" family..all I wanted to do was go over to them and beat them with a roll of wrapping paper..not normal..somehow wipe the perfection off of them..I of course would never do something like that, but it did cross my mind for a brief second..I reminded myself (like I always do) that I don't know their story..people could look at me and say how "perfect" my family is when we are out..they don't know what is missing..I just feel so empty..I am just so thankful for my two crazy kids..the beautiful smiles that Parker gives to me every day..the hugs from Carley..the "I Love you mommies.." Where would I be without them?