Saturday, May 22, 2010

Three Months..

Today marks the three month mark of Aubree gaining her wings..I don't know how I feel to be honest with you. Life has gone on around me as normal in many ways, but I still feel like she should be here. I think about what she would be doing right now..smiling, cooing, maybe rolling over, and she would be watching my every move. I watched the babies last night as they watched their mothers move around the room..some of them wouldn't take their eyes off of their moms..They had to know where they were at all times..I never even got to see her eyes. I never got to lock eyes with her to show her the love that I had in them for her. I feel like the moment your eyes connect you get that bond that will never be broken..I was robbed of that bond.

I know I am her mother, but as I was looking at the other babies here last night it struck me that she was the most beautiful..I am partial to babies with hair so that might just be why! I think that is why I thought Miss Carley was so beautiful too..Parker didn't have the hair that my girls did..I loved holding all of the babies last night because it filled a little of the void in my life..I am just such a baby person! Each and every one of those babies are so sweet, and I can't lie and say it didn't remind me of what was missing to have them all here. I thought I might freak out at one point when they were all talking about baby stuff..I just busied myself with other things, and I tried to keep from thinking about her not being here. I think about her every day though, and I have to remind myself every day that she is gone. It is so strange to think of the fact that she is has been three months already! When I look at her picture on my wall I just can't believe it..I wish she was still here..I wish I could rock her to sleep, change her diaper, love her.. She was such a gift to me, and I am so thankful that I am her mother. It was just way too short of a time with her..I can still recall the feeling of her skin against my lips..a little cool yet so soft..I hope I never forget that...

To my baby girl..I hope you are having fun playing with all of the other babies that have gone before us moms who are still here waiting to join you..I hope you know just how much you are missed..I love you..

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