Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day

I know what today means, but in my head it is a day to remember my daughter...we went and saw her grave for the first time since they put the grave marker up. We stopped and got flowers for her (yellow, pink, purple per Carley's request). I had them each pick the ones they wanted to give to her. When I told Carley we were going to see the place where she was buried she got all excited because she couldn't wait to hold heart just sunk..I softly explained to her that she wouldn't get to hold her but that she could just see where her body was buried because her soul was in Heaven. I started crying before I even made it to the cemetery, and Carley was upset that I was crying...They had no idea why we were there or what we were doing though. Parker just ran around and tried to steal things off of other graves..It was so sweet to see them giving flowers to their sister. I was crying really hard because it was just so hard to see her just makes it all the more final to me. Mike said it was really hard for him too..I am really happy with how it turned out though. I feel like it fits her. I told her I would come back and plant some purple flowers for her next time I am in the area. I think purple is the best color for her.

We had a wonderful weekend up at our camp with my sister and my parents..I have been doing so well lately, and today was a major breakdown for me..I am so exhausted emotionally. I hate that she is so far away from me, but on the other hand it is almost a good thing because it is so hard for me when I go to see her. I would probably drain myself like this too frequently if I could get to her easily.

I am just remembering her beautiful little face today..remembering holding her on that day..remembering what it felt like to feel her moving around inside of me..remembering every little thing about her..I am just really missing her so much today..

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