I am feeling pretty good right now because as my new therapist put it "I'm letting the steam out of the pressure cooker." The good news is that I am not in the angry stage of grief, but I am justified in my anger against some people these days. I am trying not to let my anger with these people get the best of me, and I am slowly releasing my tension by just talking to someone who doesn't even know me. I find it is much easier to just spill my guts to a stranger then it is to talk to someone who loves me. I am sending a silent thank you out to the person who recommended her to me...I guess I am expecting too much of myself right now. I need to grieve..I have a right to grieve. I don't know why I think I should be ok right now. It hasn't even been three months yet. It really does feel good to finally share my feelings about how I'm REALLY feeling. I always love when people ask me how I am doing and then go on to ask me how I am really doing..That makes me think they care more because they know that I am just going to say "fine."
I am having a picnic tomorrow night for a family that is leaving our circle of friends to move on to bigger and better things..It dawned on me that it will be the first time that I will have the three babies due around Aubree's due date in my house at the same time..How do I look at all of them without thinking of her? I have decided that I am just going to love and hold those beautiful babies..sure, I miss her, but I would not want their babies..I want mine..I will just be happy for them and not look at them as what is missing from my life. When I first thought about that fact I did wonder what I was thinking..I wasn't..that is the answer to that one. I am also not going to continue dwelling on this fact either. I am going to be excited to see everyone because we could all use some good quality time together.
I came across a scripture verse yesterday that really has stuck with me..I have been thinking about it all day, and I think we should all live our lives with this verse in mind..
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow his precepts have
To him belongs eternal praise." Psalm 111:10
So very true..