Finality..

Today started like any other day should, and then it all came crashing down on me when I received the letter in the mail that her grave marker was in place. I knew this day was coming, but I just never knew when it would actually be in place. It just makes her death that much more final..much more real to me. Now that I can actually see the marker that shows where my little girl is just makes it seem like this really did happen to me..I do feel like God put a protective barrier over me from January 22nd on..how else could I have gotten through learning about the problems, learning she would die, and then have her pass on in one month? It all just happened so quickly that it almost seems like such a blur to me...like it never even happened. She just came and went so quickly..It kills me that I even had to buy a grave marker for her. I should have been buying diapers, clothes, etc.

I have been learning of more and more people who have lost children..why? It is such a horrible thing to ever have to go through, but somehow we are all still getting through each and every day. I can say that everyone who is getting through sees the bigger picture...We KNOW we will see our children again..it just stinks that we have to wait so long..We started out our pregnancies with so many dreams for our children, but our dreams turn to anguish instead..Sometimes I wonder why God thinks I am so strong? Why me? I don't see myself as being that strong at times. I keep wondering when I might just break for good.. I get so freaked out anymore when I look at perfectly healthy babies, and I worry that something could happen to them..or when I hear about pregnancies..I worry...I need to trust..not worry. In reality..I can worry all I want to, but I will not be able to worry away anything..God is the only one who has control over anything, and He will ultimately decide the fate of a pregnancy, baby, person, etc. Worrying my entire pregnancy did nothing but not allow me to enjoy those first few months with her..I missed out on a few wonderful months with her because of worry..I just wish that I could rewind those months so I could actually love her even more..