Wednesday, May 5, 2010

That Spark..

Lately I feel like I am living..just living..not feeling anything. I am numb to everything, and I don't feel like myself at all. I am tired, irritable, and I have no desire to leave my house right now. I feel like everyone is slowly slipping away from me and that no one wants to actually hang out with me. The people who cared so much for so long have all of a sudden stopped asking how I am doing. There are still those wonderful people out there who are there for me no matter what and I am so thankful for them, but a few people I thought I could depend on have all of a sudden become too ingrained in their own lives to stop and ask how things are going or even just to say hello. I know I seem ok to the world, but guess what..I will never be ok again. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see dead eyes..that spark that was once there is just an empty stare. People used to say my eyes were one of my best features and now they seem to just appear "dead." When will they look alive again?

Do you realize I have family members that have never even acknowledged Aubree, her death, can you not even write a note to say you are sorry or even say anything at all about the situation? It makes me sad to think that there really are people out there who seem heartless..I'm sure they aren't, but the fact of the matter is that they care more about themselves then anyone else. I hope that I am never seen that way. I would never want to be that kind of person.

I guess I am just feeling a bit bitter today..still not angry at God about taking Aubree. I think maybe I am in the anger phase of grieving, but my anger is with others for not caring or for not recognizing how important she was to me. She was my DAUGHTER..I keep reading Angie Smith's book, and I cry with her..I feel her pain because it is MY pain. I am jealous of her because she got to hold her daughter alive for two hours. She was lucky that she got that. I can't imagine watching your daughter die in your arms, but her daughter's death was so peaceful and the day they had with her was peaceful too..not emotional. It was just like our day with Aubree. I have been reliving that day like it was yesterday. I almost feel like there is no way we could have gone through that because it was so horrible. It is a day that seems like it was a dream because I think that is the only way I physically got through it. My mind must have removed itself from the situation to protect me from the pain that it was causing. It was almost as if God took a hold of me and gave me such great strength that the trauma of it all was easier then it should have been...

1 comment:

  1. I feel like God brought me through that day, definately. Can you imagine where you would be without Him?

    I have to admit that losing Hannah made and broke a lot of relationships for me. My husband is the youngest of 10 and out of them maybe 3 even acknowledged her or sent a card. My in-laws never sent a card. She is their grandaughter! It made me bitter, too---still gets a rise when I think about it---but we can't control other people.

    Lots of love, Amanda. xxx