Monday, May 10, 2010


I have been so strong for so long, and all of a sudden everything seems to be spiraling out of control. I don't know what triggered it, but all of a sudden I have been having anxiety symptoms and I can't stop crying. I have not cried much at all lately, but all of sudden the tears just won't stop. I can't even function normally right now. I am wondering if the numb feeling that I have been talking about has all of sudden roared it's angry face in the grief that I should have been feeling. I do know that I have felt fine until yesterday for the most part. I started feeling weak last week and then sick to my stomach from Thursday on. Every time I exercise it is taking everything out of me..I am not normally like that. I just don't feel like myself..I'm weak, dizzy, my muscles feel strange, I'm getting chills, hotflashes, etc..guess what..all signs of anxiety..maybe even PTSD..not sure about that one though. I have decided since I can't seem to get through all of the emotions and even just finally talking about how I am feeling to Mike makes me feel even a little bit better that it is time...time for me to seek some counseling to just deal with all of it. I have put my grief on this little shelf that is obviously getting too heavy to hold all of the is about to break, and I need to fix it before it becomes too broken..I do recognize that there have been a lot of babies born lately, a lot of pregnancy announcements, and even Mother's Day so maybe that all together just finally made me snap..I don't know. All I know is that something needs to be done...I just can't do this anymore. I have a family who needs me..not the emotional mess that I am now..

I did have a nice Mother's Day even if Mike made me cry. "Aubree" wrote me a letter and he gave me a beautiful framed picture of her to finally add to my wall..I can finally see my beautiful baby girl every day with my other kids. I cried so hard when he gave me the letter..he is so amazing..He knew just how to make Mother's Day special for me. My other kids gave me some great stuff too..They were so excited about it. I got the new MercyMe cd..really good cd that is trying to portray the Mr. Lovewell character..they want us to live our lives that way..loving each other well. It came with a bracelet that Carley won't let me take off! It looked really nice with my dress yesterday! :) It was nice to be able to spend Mother's Day with family, but I have decided I don't really like Mother's should be called "Celebration of the Special Women in Our Lives Day." What about all of those women who want children but just can't have them, the ones who never marry, the ones who have lost children, and the ones who don't want children..they are all still special women. You can choose to honor the women in your life.. if it is your mother then that can be who you honor..maybe it is your sister, your aunt, your grandmother, etc..All women are special and deserve to be honored..just my opinion of course..I just know it was so bittersweet yesterday. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children, but I was so sad that Aubree wasn't here to celebrate with us. So to all of the beautiful women whether it be friends, family, etc..Happy Special Woman's Day."

Also..please pray for me as I finally deal with my true might be a long road or it might be a quick one..don't know at this point, but I know it will be good for all of my family to get their wife, mother, daughter, etc. back..

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry, Amanda. I am praying for you and ALWAYS here for you. I wish I could do something---anything. xxx