Why???

All that I want to know is why is it that everyone having babies this year is having girls? Where are all of the boys? Every time I hear that someone else is having a girl it just pierces my heart. I keep wondering if all of these girls are here or coming to remind me of what I don't have or to remind me of her...

Sunshine..

I am so thankful that we are having some beautiful weather today, and we are supposed to keep it through the weekend as well. I always feel so much better once I am out in the sun for a while. It really does improve my mood..unless I am yelling at one of my kids because they are running towards the road, throwing mud at each other, throwing rocks, etc..:) It is never a dull moment outside with my kids! I love to watch them play though because there is so much joy found in the dirt that is our yard. I wish I could find joy in things like dirt too. I tend to just get annoyed when they start throwing it..maybe I should start to throw some too because maybe I am missing out on something..

We have had my mom and dad's puppy this week because they are in Portland for my sister's graduation. She is the first in our family to get her graduate degree..yay Amber! I am so proud of her..I couldn't wait to be finished with school whereas she can't wait to go back. She claims she is still not finished yet. I think she will make a wonderful professor someday! Anyways. I have been really enjoying Maya in every way because she is so needy. She wants me to hold her all of the time, and I have to constantly watch out for her because she is too small to realize the trouble she can get into if left to do as she pleases. It almost feels like having a baby around..almost..I find myself rocking her, kissing her head, and just snuggling with her whenever I get the chance. I know I'm not crazy, but it just feels so good to be needed..My kids have just become so independent, and they don't need me for the same things anymore. They are growing up..it kills me that I don't even have a crib set up in my house anymore. I don't have any more babies..

I have been reading through Matthew, and I was struck by how many people were healed by Jesus..why were so many people healed back then when so many people aren't now? What is the difference? Is it because it was before he was crucified and he was physically walking the Earth? I don't know..I can remember a conversation Mike and I had after we got Aubree's initial diagnosis..We were talking about how God could heal her if he wanted to, but why would be choose us when so many others had to lose their children..I just keep trying to wrap my head around all of this. I know how powerful faith can be because how can you explain the tumors that mysteriously disappear or the cancer that is suddenly gone..I just don't understand what those people have that I don't..what am I missing? Jesus states, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worth of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39..maybe that is my answer..maybe I loved her too much..

Invincible

Do you ever think that you are slightly invincible? I used to think that way..You always hear about bad things happening to people you know or on the news, but you never really expect it to happen to you. I was in the shower (where I do most of my thinking these days it seems) when it came to me that I should never have felt that way. Did I think I was better then everyone else? Mike just says that it is human nature to think that way, but in reality we should never think that way. Bad things can happen to any of us. That doesn't mean we should live our lives in fear and never take any chances because of the what if factor, but we also need to realize that we are not invincible. I just can't believe that I could have ever thought that I would be free from tragedy when so many other people have tragic things happen to them time and time again. God really threw me to me knees when all of this happened. I think I was in need of a big reality check. He definitely got my attention..

I keep wondering if this cloud of sadness that has settled over me will soon leave me. Everyone keeps asking me if I feel differently since her due date has come and gone. I really don't have an answer to that because I don't feel anything. I don't feel like I have been relieved from my grief, and I don't feel like I have just become happy again either. I am still sad because now we are in the part where she would have been here, and I would have been able to hold her, love her, kiss her, etc. I just feel numb. I'm not crying much anymore because I don't really feel like I have much left to cry. I'm sure it is still in there and will resurface at some point, but right now I just feel spent in every aspect. Life goes on I suppose...

April 24th, 2010..A Letter..

Dear Aubree,
I am sitting here thinking about what this day might have held for us knowing that it only holds grief. I know you probably wouldn't have arrived on this day with my luck, but just knowing that you were intended to come this day breaks my heart because you are not going to be joining our family in this lifetime. I have been trying so hard to stay busy today to keep my mind off of you, but as you know that is not an easy task since I ALWAYS think of you..I miss you every day. I miss feeling you inside of me full of life..I miss holding you in my arms even if was only for a day..I miss thinking about what our future held with you in it..I just miss every part of you. I know that I need to enjoy the life that I have here with our family, but I am really looking forward to when I get to see you again. I just want you to know that we talk about you every day. Your big sister is very excited to meet you and hold you one day. I know your big brother gets excited every time he sees your picture too. We are all really sad that you won't be joining us here, but we know that you are in a much better place where you are now so we are happy for you. This world can be really tough, and you only get to experience joy in yours.

I am so proud of you, and I am so thankful for everything that you taught me in your short life. I have become a different person because of you, and I feel like that is a good thing in many ways. I might be more sad then before, but I can't help that because you took a piece of me with you when you left my body and gained your wings. You have shown me what is really important in life, and you have shown me what pure love is. You have also brought me much closer to our Father which is something that I will forever be grateful for. You were truly a blessing to me, and I loved every day that I had with you. Sure I am sad that I get to miss watching all of your milestones, but I know that I will get to see you again so I will just look forward to that instead.

I got a pedicure and a facial today with Mimi. It felt nice, but it didn't take away the pain of what today was supposed to be. Every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful face, and I can't help but cry because I would love to just give you a kiss and snuggle with you on the couch. I wish more then anything that today was the day that I got to meet you for the first time and that we were just beginning our life together instead of remembering that your life on Earth was already over before it even began. I still sleep with your blanket every night. Your sister actually puts it on my pillow for me at night. She knows how important it is to me. I like to hold it against my face so I can still try to smell you on it. I carry you in my heart always, and I will never forget the day we spent together even if it was only your physical being. I thought you were so beautiful even in death. Thank you for allowing me to be your mommy..thank you for being so perfect in every way, and thank you for waiting patiently for me to join you.

April has been a sad month for me because I miss you sweetheart, but I want to stop being so sad so I can celebrate you instead. I am going to celebrate today because you are in the best hands there are. As much as I would have loved to have taken care of you I know that I can't compete with your true creator. He will love you and care for you even better then I can...You are one lucky girl. My friend wrote you a letter the other day because she shares this day with you. She wanted you to know she will never forget you. None of us will sweetie..you are just that special! She is excited to meet you someday too. I think we all are to see if you are just like your brother and sister! Just know that I am thinking about you today, and I am still wishing that things had been different for us because of my selfish nature. I love you sweet baby girl, and I look forward to seeing you again one day.

All My Love,
Mommy

Exhaustion..

I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. I am tired of being sad, tired of missing Aubree, tired of my kids not listening to me, tired of hearing about other's good news, and tired of feeling like I am all alone. I received the Baby Be Blessed doll yesterday and the "I Will Carry You" book by Angie Smith from my mom. I freaked out on my kids this morning because they were fighting over the doll and pulling her in two separate ways..that is my Aubree..that is all I have. I was looking at the doll/lamb this morning, and I realized that the doll would be about the right size so I measured it..sure enough it was exactly 13 inches which is exactly how long she was..I get to sleep with a doll, and my friends get to sleep with a baby..Just feeling so down lately. I was reading through the first part of the book last night, and I was completely struck with how much my life is like the authors. It is almost crazy. She is a redhead, she lost her first baby in a miscarriage, she named her daughter Audrey Caroline..her middle name is Carole so that is where the name came from. I swear she wrote the book that I would write if I ever wanted to write a book..her words are exactly what I would say..I wonder if we all just feel that way.. it is a part of the grieving process or something. I don't know. I just know that she truly gets it, and to read what she wrote makes me feel like what I feel is normal! She is so strong in her faith, and I can only hope to stay as strong as she is. We definitely have our differences though too..her husband is in the band Selah..my husband (sorry Mike) is better off not joining any bands unless they want to get booed..:) She has all girls..I of course have Parker. I just love the song she wrote, and I know that I am going to love her book too since it is already something I can relate to.

I just want this week to be over..I want to get past Saturday and move on. I can't stand thinking about what we should be gearing up for. Carley went into our guest room today, and told me that Parker was taking stuff out of Aubree's room..it's not HER room. I told her in a nice way that it was not her room, and that she is right in thinking that way because it was intended for her, but she was sick and had to go to Heaven already. She wanted to know why she got sick..so would I..Just trying to keep my chin up and having faith that God WILL provide the comfort I need right now..

Just a Little Reminder..

As I was in the shower this afternoon God reminded me of this story..Mike came home last night after his meeting at the church and told me this story that our Pastor relayed to him....Mike hadn't been to his meetings for a couple months now since we had a lot going on emotionally so he was welcomed back with many condolences. There was a lady at our church who had twin boys years ago, and I guess she talked about them very frequently. I never heard her talk about them because I didn't spend a lot of time with her, but I have had others tell me that she remembered their birthdays, etc. She never had any more children, and I have no idea why. I don't even know what happened to her boys, but she never gave up faith in God. She was a woman who everyone knew in our big church because she gave so much of herself to others, and she very openly professed her faith in God. She passed away a couple of weeks ago, and our whole church was very saddened by this news. Our Pastor must have been helping write the obituary when he realized that her boys should be included...He said that we taught him that even if our children never lived a day on this Earth that they are still our children. He never thought that way before, and he thanked us for allowing him to be a part of her Memorial, day we had with her, etc. WE taught him. I guess our Pastor asked her husband if he could include the boys in her obituary and he said yes of course. I know I question why this happened to us all of the time in my head, but look at the one little thing that has come out of this so far..her boys were remembered just like she wanted them to be! Even though it is sad she is gone from this Earth I rejoice for her because she finally gets to be with her boys after all of these years! Living, grieving, dying..it is all a learning process..

Waiting..

I am waiting for a baby's arrival but it isn't mine. It should have been mine, but Aubree wasn't meant to arrive this week. Friends of ours are having their second child, and they are anxiously awaiting her arrival. I am really excited to meet their newest little girl. I am just sad that my little girl is not going to be arriving too. I keep thinking back to when my other kids were almost due..how excited, nervous, and anxious I was to find out what they would be! This week was supposed to be full of those feelings, but instead it is full of grief, sadness, and a little bit of anger..It just doesn't seem fair that she had to leave so early and that I never got to meet her alive. My kids weren't able to meet their sister when that is all they ever wanted to do. My family never got to meet her, we never got to show her off to anyone, never got to hear her cry, see her smile, smell her newborn smell, rock her to sleep, and just hold her while she slept in my arms..hearing those peaceful sighs..There are no sighs of peace around here these days. All I hear is silence, and all I see is an empty room. The room is driving me crazy..I know what it was supposed to be, and it makes me sad to think we have an unused room. Will it ever be filled? Parker's furniture is coming tomorrow, and we will move the rest of the nursery furniture into that room..We plan on making it a guest room, but it is going to be nursery furniture in there..It isn't supposed to be for guests..it was supposed to be for my last child to use until they grew into something bigger..Did we just waste our money on new furniture for Parker? I just want this to be a nightmare that I can wake up from. I don't want her to be gone FOREVER..I think back to the day she was born, and it honestly feels like it never even happened. I know it did physically, but I am not sure I was even there mentally or emotionally when it happened. How could I have gotten through that? It was SO traumatic..God obviously gave me the strength I needed on that day because it is the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. My feelings about birth are so tainted now..I don't want something so wonderful to be seen as something so horrible for the rest of my life. I am just so numb, and I just want April to be over..no more waiting..

Ahhhh!!

Today was my play date with my mom friends, and we were all so excited to see everyone when they came. I got to hold Gracie, and put her to sleep which is one of my favorite Friday pastimes these days..Carley also got to spend a lot of time holding her too which seems to be one of her favorite things to do these days as well. As much as it kills me to watch her hold another baby because she wants one so badly for herself I still love the fact that she is showing such a strong mothering instinct..she is so sweet with babies! After everyone left Carley told me how happy she was to have been able to hold Baby Aubree so many times..I just stared at her and turned away so she didn't have to see me tear up..She then commented again about how nice it was to hold Gracie..Knife in my heart..all she ever wanted to do was to hold her baby sister, and she will NEVER get to do that..

The Plague

I have been feeling like I might have the plague lately since everyone seems to be avoiding me that is either pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like they think I am contagious or something. I think it is just hard for them to see me because I am a constant reminder to them of what could go wrong. I know I am probably just being paranoid, but it really bothers me. I am sure they just don't know what to say to me or feel badly about being pregnant because they feel like they are just rubbing salt in the wound..I am just trying to be myself, and I am trying to be genuinely happy for my pregnant friends and those who just had babies. The only part that is hard for me is that I miss Aubree..I am happy that they are able to have healthy babies. I will always be happy for people who are having babies, but I will not ever be able to say that there will not be sadness mixed in with those feelings. My baby is gone when theirs are so alive...She won't get to grow up playing with them. I will never get to hold her again in my arms here on Earth. I am so thankful for the friends and family who still talk to me or have just recently told me of their pregnancies..They make me feel like I am still me, and that I really don't have the dreaded plague..

I have been reading through Job lately, and the first few chapters have really been speaking to me. Job went through so much, but he didn't turn his back on God. This verse really spoke to me ..."Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:10..We want to only accept the good, but he does put "trouble" into our lives for a reason. I don't always believe it is a test like it was for Job, but it does show our true relationship with Jesus though. We will either turn our backs instantly, or we will keep having faith that God will provide. It is so much easier to just turn our backs to God then to just accept what he has in store for us if it is not what we want for ourselves. Job went through agony, but because he never lost faith he was given twice as much as he had before..he was rewarded. I truly believe that God has good things planned for me as long as I keep believing that He is in control of my life..He knows what is best for me. I also need to keep remembering that Aubree is in the best hands..

Hmmm..

Carley and I had a very interesting conversation today that sort of shocked me..I have been so worried about how they are doing with all of this because they don't really know how to express their feelings at this age so I asked Carley a few questions today to get a feel for what she might be feeling about having another sibling in our family. I asked her if she wanted another baby brother or sister..her reply was that she just wanted Baby Aubree..hmmmm..how do you respond to that? I told her as simply as I could that it was not possible since she was already in Heaven with God. She then corrected me and told me she was with Jesus..either way she looks at it is fine with me! Anyways. She went on to tell me again how she never got to hold her and how much she missed her. I was just so surprised with her response. I thought she would say yes right away instead of giving me the response that she did..I would love that more then anything too, but it is just not possible! I know she is just not getting it because she even commented about how she was sleeping in the picture we have of her..I explained to her that she was not living in the picture..she has no clue..I can't even begin to try to make her understand at this point in her life. She has decided she would want another sibling though, but she is very concerned about what it's name would be..I am not ready to think about that just yet, but I just wanted to feel her out to see what she was thinking..I guess she is thinking a lot more then I thought she was..She is one smart cookie..I know that I don't feel like my family is complete, but I just needed to see how she was feeling since she has such an obsession babies right now. She thinks everyone should have a baby! I have to try to teach her not to ask people why they don't have babies because it isn't exactly a question that some people want to hear for various reasons. She just isn't old enough to understand why at this point. I just keep trying to tell her that it is just not polite to ask people those things.

I saw a few pictures of the puppies that we are going to be looking at this weekend. I have no idea how I will ever choose a puppy..they are all so cute! I am thinking that one of them will just stick out to me based on his personality. I know Tyson really did so I am hoping we get lucky again. I just hope it isn't the female that sticks out to me since Roxie will not be thrilled with another female in our house. There are seven males to choose from so I am hoping that we will find one to fit our family. I have a feeling Mike and I are going to disagree too..maybe not though..We are usually on the same page for most things so hopefully it will be like that in this situation. I am starting to get excited about having a puppy since I have been around Maya..she is so sweet, and she is getting herself into trouble..I love that part. I can remember when Roxie was a puppy and we would come home to interesting scenes. My favorite one (not at the time) was when she got into my knitting bag and tried her hand at knitting the blanket I was working on..I had to throw it away needless to say..she had it all messed up! I also loved the time when I came home to find a pair of my jeans dragged the whole way across our bedroom into the sunroom..she was a little over 12 pounds..how could she manage that one? I would have loved to have seen her in action though! Our neighbors told us they caught her pruning our Japanese Maple, rhododendrens, etc...she was a stinker! I love that though..she made our life more interesting! I am truly looking forward to the distraction..I really need it!

Tree #1

We planted the first tree in honor of Aubree today in our backyard because it was the best place for it to get the amount of sun that it needs to thrive. It is a beautiful Magnolia Ann. I have never had one before so I am excited for it to grow and to bloom since the flowers are such a pretty color. The tree even came with an engraved name plate to put with the tree. We have figured out a way to put it near the tree so it won't get damaged with our severe winters that we have at times. The tree is so tiny, but it is honestly perfect because she was so tiny..I love that I can see it every time I go outside, and it is always going to remind me of her...not that I need much to remind me these days! Everything I come across makes me think of her in some way or another! I also love the fact that so many people have offered to get a tree in honor of her..my whole yard will be full of her! I think it is a wonderful way to honor her, and I can't thank everyone enough for their gifts..The one that was planted today was from my best friends from high school. I know it is meant to be in honor of her, but I will always think of them when I see it too because they were so generous in remembering her. I don't keep in touch with all of them very often, but they are still there for me..that says a lot about their true characters..I hope that I am able to see them all soon so I can thank them in person.

Exhaustion..

I didn't get much sleep last night..I was up late stalking Facebook since one of my friends was having her baby, and we didn't know what it was..When I saw that she had a little girl I was immediately excited for them because they already have a little boy..then I realized that meant all four of us in our Small Group had girls a couple months apart..The hard part for me was seeing her beautiful little picture and realizing that she was alive..I didn't get a picture of Aubree like that..I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up with really puffy eyes..I haven't cried that hard in weeks..I knew it was going to be hard when they started having their babies, but I didn't realize it would hit me like this..I think it is probably the fact that the other three little girls get to grow up playing together..I will be left out in the baby conversations and just plain "girl" talk. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about things in front of me or even share things with me because of what happened. It actually hurts me much worse when people try to hide things from me or not to include me for those reasons..I hate that my pregnant friends barely talk to me anymore..I know they don't want to make things worse for me, but I am still me..I would like to hear about how they are doing and how they are preparing for baby's arrival..In some ways it is easier to just talk about them instead of dwelling on Aubree's absence. I am going to cry for a long time in private..that is just how it is going to be right now until I get more emotionally stable. I don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me either..I know they feel so horrible about what happened to us, but they have something to celebrate..I want to be able to do that with them because babies are such a gift from God..those of us who have lost one know better then anyone just how much of a gift they are..I am going to be sad because I miss my daughter..I will always miss her. There is nothing that can be said or done to take that pain away..Being with other babies is hard sometimes, but I still want to rejoice with my friends who have just had them..I like to think I am not a selfish person in that I can see past my own pain to be happy for others. I am just having a rough day again of course. I told Carley about the baby being born this morning at breakfast, and she immediately told me about how much she missed Aubree. Is she really missing her or is it just a comment she makes whenever we mention the word baby? I don't know..either way it is hard to hear. I just keep telling her that I do too.

On a happier note, I received a beautiful plaque in the mail from Katy today in honor of Aubree. I can't wait to hang it on the wall. I am thinking it should go near her picture once we get one enlarged. My friend Maria made the comment today about how strange it is that we sometimes meet such wonderful people through tragedy..that is how I look at Katy. We both went through something traumatic, but she has done such wonderful things for others who have gone through the same tragedy. God is using her as a light to those of us who only see darkness at times. I just hope that I can someday be a light for others in some way or another. Aubree's plague states "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," Aubree Hope "before you were born I set you apart;" Jeremiah 1:5.. Why was she set apart though? Why did I wonder before she was born or diagnosed about one of the four babies in our small group not being ok? Why did I know it was going to be her? I feared even getting pregnant because I thought something would be wrong..I obviously didn't let my fear stand in the way, but why did I KNOW? It just doesn't make sense..I'm not sure it will ever make sense to me here, but I'm sure I will get my answers someday..

My mom and dad got their puppy last night. Her name is Maya, and she is adorable. I can't say she isn't going to be the dominant one in the house though..I thought Murphy would hold that rein, but I'm not sure she is going to allow that. She even tried to put Roxie in her place a few times..Roxie is used to ruling the roost.. I am anxious to see how the dynamics of all of the dogs play out. My mom asked me today if I was ready for a puppy. I definitely am..I NEED a puppy right now I think for my own sanity and to keep my brain from wandering to the "dark" side. Who doesn't love a puppy?

Amazement

Carley went to Christian Play Day this morning as usual and they talked about asking Jesus to come into their hearts. We were driving home this morning and we talked about whether or not she asked Jesus to be her "forever friend." She told me she did, and she then went on to tell me that because she did she could go see Baby Aubree, Maddie, and Tyson in Heaven..Wow...I of course was crying by this point and she went on to paint a beautiful picture for me of what they were doing in Heaven..she believes that they are playing with a golf ball...Maddie and Tyson are fighting over the ball that Aubree is throwing for them..I would like to believe that she gets to do this too..I have been finding comfort in picturing her doing such wonderful things with the people and animals that have gone before us..Maybe even my first dog Rocky is taking good care of her since he always took such good care of me growing up..I don't know if Carley really did ask Jesus to come into her heart this morning, but I do know that a seed was planted in her little soul today so hopefully it will continue to grow into a deeper relationship at some point in her life. I believe she is taking everything in at this point in her life, and even if she doesn't fully grasp what she might have done this morning she understands that asking Jesus into her heart is a wonderful thing because it secures her a place in Heaven where she will have eternal life (live forever as we tell her). What a big morning for her even if she doesn't realize it!

My kids never cease to amaze me. I really don't get them enough credit. I just think they are too young to understand some of life's bigger concepts...My kids are a lot smarter then I give them credit. Parker might not act like he has a clue sometimes, but that kid takes everything in..he listens to everything we say, and he might not understand everything he hears, but he is able to repeat things he has heard when we didn't even realize he was listening because he was busy playing something..Carley takes everything in too. I can't tell you how many times she has told us something that Ms. Carey told her (her preschool teacher). She is really listening to her, and I am so thankful for that. I hope that continues into next year! I think she will like school in the long run like I did. Parker might surprise us, but I have a feeling he won't be able to sit still long enough! He is just too busy! The interaction between the two of them is pretty funny right now too..Carley interprets everything that Parker says for Mike since he doesn't always understand him. I know everything he says because I am around him all day, but I allow Carley to tell her daddy what he is talking about just to see if she is right..she always is! Her imagination is exploding right now so that makes things fun too..she even has some imaginary friends..Karen and Jen to be exact! They call all of the time..I never really had imaginary friends that I can recall with names, but my sister did. I even remember where her one "friend" lived..every time I drive by that house I think about her "friend." I really miss my sisters..I wish they lived closer to us so I could spend more time with them. It is so hard being so far away from the ones you love..

"Sweet" Relief

We picked out Aubree's grave marker yesterday, and I can say that I am "happy" about it. I do like what we picked out, but I hate the fact that we had to do it in the first place. I was pretty strong while we were there, but I cried once we left because it was just so overwhelming just being in a place that marketed death..We picked out a pink granite grave marker that will be flush with the ground. I had envisioned a lamb and an angel together, and we luckily found the perfect one to put on her marker. I wasn't able to put the scripture verse on there because of the size of the marker. I just couldn't do something large since she was so small..it just wouldn't fit her. I believe she would like it and it shows our love for her. I just wish I could go see her more often..maybe she is so far away for a reason..God knows how hard it is for me each time I go there..Her marker will be placed in about 4-6 weeks..they will let me know when it is placed..I am thinking that I might plant some tulips around her marker this fall for her..Red of course..

I finally got my cooktop fixed today..The broken part was on backorder of course, but the guy was finally able to fix it this afternoon. Now I truly can cook up a storm with all five of my burners in working order. My kids were so excited to see the repair guy. You would have thought they knew him! Parker wanted him to play frisbee with him, and Carley told him all about our new dog..I guess I can't back out of that one now..she has it in her mind that we are getting a puppy. I am not ready for the puppy stuff again, but the more sad I get with each day the more I think about how it will only help me to get out of this funk..distraction is the key for me right now I think..it will give me something to take care of..I think I need a dog that wants to be around me all of the time...sorry Roxie..You are my #1 girl, but I need a dog that loves company all of the time right now I think! She can be a bit anti-social..she won't even get out of bed until around 11:00 sometimes! Maybe she is just getting lazy in her almost seven years! She still has a lot of energy at times though..

I am still enjoying this beautiful weather..so sad it is going to end soon here though. We took the kids over to my parents last night so they could go fishing. Parker caught his first fish ever..a big old catfish! He was scared to death of it when it flopped around on the dock. The kids caught a bunch of fish last night so I think that was fun for them. I have to admit that I still feel like a little kid when I catch fish too..I have always enjoyed fishing..not sure why exactly, but I love to feel the bite and to feel the excitement about what is on the other end as you reel it in..I think I might have had just as much fun as the kids did last night! I'm just glad Parker didn't hook himself! He was pretty close to doing that a couple of times! I'm not sure if he was more excited about the fishing or about the tractor...Farmer John (as we like to call my dad) was busy trying to get his "garden" ready for planting..He doesn't exactly have good luck with seeds so we are all pretty excited to see what we get this year. Last year we had cucumbers that turned into watermelons that ended up as pumpkins..We love him, but he can be crazy sometimes! I hope we get some real cucumbers this year! :)

Just So Sad..

I am glad that I finally have the chance to go and look at memorials for Aubree today because I can't stand the fact that she has nothing marking her grave other then the temporary cross we put there...it is not meant for outdoor use so hopefully it is holding up..I am dreading actually picking one though..how do you chose one that is right for your child? I have looked at so many on the internet, and I haven't found one that seems to be the right fit..I have been thinking about using the scripture verse from her memorial on her actual grave marker. I just want it to be perfect for her, but I know that it never will be..it really doesn't matter anyways..it is just a place for me to visit and a place for her body to rest..it is not her...It is only her physical being..It just makes me so sad that I have to do this at all. I should be picking out some new clothes for her or a new blanket..not a grave marker. It just seems so wrong and so unfair. I just hope we can find something that is "worthy" of her..I just miss her so much, and I find myself looking at her picture on my computer all of the time...I would like nothing more then to just hold her again..

Aubree's Charm

Here is the charm that we had made to honor Aubree. I am proud to wear it along with my other pendant. I got a very strange comment tonight from a well-meaning lady..She hugged me as I was leaving the grocery store with tears in her eyes as she said how sorry she was to hear about my little baby. She then went on to say that we could always have another one..Yeah..we could, but it would not be my Aubree..or replace my little girl in any way. I know she meant well, and I am certain she didn't know what to say to me but it was still a little strange to hear it regardless..So..to honor her and to remember her as my daughter I will wear this beautiful angel...

Just Thrilled!!

Welcome to the new look of my blog..I am just thrilled with how it turned out. A big thank you to Katy for designing it for me! She has never even met me, but she captured me perfectly! She has quite the gift! It makes me happy every time I come to my blog to see such a beautiful header! I know the look of it doesn't matter in reality, but it does help to bring some joy to those of us who are seeing it every day! :) I wish I had a clue about how to make things like that..that is obviously not my God given talent! I will be happy with my other gifts I suppose ;)! For those of you who don't understand the frog..it is my way of reminding myself to Fully Rely On God..I had some sitting out on my dresser through our struggles with infertility, and they are back out again as a reminder to myself...I like to give frogs to others as a reminder for them too if they are in need of some encouragement. I hope they help like they have helped me!

I am really starting to believe that April is just going to be a bad reminder of Aubree's absence in my life. I got a card today from Mike's dad's cousin. She has always been such a sweet lady, and I wish that I could get the time to get to know her a little better. She said that she had been staring at the card for weeks now, but she had no idea what to say so she never sent it. She must have found the words to write because I received it today. She told me that she always plants blue or pink flowers on Myrtle and Myron's (Mike's grandparents) grave whenever a new baby is born...she said she would plant some pink flowers for Aubree this year. I stood in my driveway and sobbed..I am just so glad that everyone is treating her like she is real and she is our child...They are not forgetting her. I told Mike back when she was born that I was so glad that Aubree had Myrtle to take care of her. I never met Myron because he died before we met, but I did get the chance to meet and love Myrtle. I know that Aubree is out in one of the beautiful gardens of Heaven today planting with her great grandmother..I'm sure Myrtle is telling her all about the different flowers that they are planting too..I had this overwhelming feeling that once she passed she went straight into Myrtle's waiting arms..She is one lucky girl to not only be with her true Father, but to also be with a woman who will take such good care of her...She was a woman of great faith, and I know Aubree is in good hands..

April Showers

Normally the saying "April showers bring May flowers" would make me smile and think about all of the beautiful flowers that are coming, but it has a different meaning to me this month. I am finding that as we get further and further into April I am getting more and more sad..She was due this month, and I would be about 3 weeks from delivering her today..I just can't seem to shake the feeling that she is still coming..I know it is wishful thinking, but I just wish that it was true. I went this afternoon to pick up my charm from the jeweler. It is exactly what I wanted..a bit bigger than I thought I would want, but it really is perfect. I did fine picking it up until I got in the car and really took a look at it around my neck. That alone was upsetting because we should have just been adding her birthstone to my stork. I turned the car on and of course the Steven Curtis Chapman song was playing..I yelled.. It was hard enough to just get the charm let alone to hear that song when I am already feeling so upset. Maybe He was just telling me again that Aubree is doing ok and not to worry so much about her.. I don't know. I just know that April is bringing more "showers" then I would like it to. Maybe I just need to accept that April might be a tough month for me.

Good Friday

I am sitting here thinking about the meaning behind today..wow. God really does love us that much, and I need to keep reminding myself that he never meant to hurt me when he took Aubree back to be with him already. He knows what he is doing even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Jesus died on the cross so we could be forgiven of our sins...His love was so much bigger then we could ever imagine, and we are all benefiting because of it..I am in awe of the gift he gave to all of us all those years ago..Wow.. What a beautiful day in every way..

I got to see my friends today...yay! I really enjoyed spending the time with them, and they all brought tulips! I have been pretty bummed that our house does not have any in bloom right now being that we have nothing planted! The spring flowers always seem to represent new growth to me, and the ones sitting in my house are screaming that right now. I even have one that has a new tulip just beginning to sprout up from the soil. I am hoping that all of the growth I see is going to represent my life..I am growing, and I hope to continue growing in the right direction...towards the sun or Son (however you want to see it). The red tulip represents pure love..I have that for God, my family, and for Aubree..I will plant the bulbs in the fall for each of my family members. All of the tulips have six tulips..not sure if that is how they plant them or if it is God telling me that we will have another family member..who knows. Anne of course pointed the sprouting one out to me this morning and commented that she isn't sure what that means since when she bought the plant there were only five tulips..I guess time will tell...

Today is Mike's birthday, and I am truly thankful to his mother for giving birth to him 32 years ago. It is crazy to think about the fact that even before he was born we were destined to be together and to have Carley, Parker, and Aubree in our lives. I can't imagine how God can plan out every minute detail when I can barely plan what we will have for dinner sometimes..he is just so much bigger then we can even imagine...

"Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world." Isaiah 12:5

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children...Angels are hard to find.

Thank you Mrs. Laude...I needed this today..This came with a figurine of an angel holding a baby angel towards heaven..it was in loving memory of Aubree...

Chocolate Cookies!

I made a batch of chocolate chocolate chip cookies last night, and I had one today once the kids went down for their naps, and wow was it good..I don't understand how they can be so good sometimes, but at other times they are almost overcooked when I leave them in for the same amount of time each batch. Who knows. This batch turned out really well so I am thrilled to have them in my freezer when I need a chocolate fix. Little indulgences that bring a bit of sweetness to each day! I love to bake so I am really glad that I have the want to do it now. I really had no desire for so long and that was not like me at all. I wish that I could bake all of the time, but the items never up getting eaten so it would be a waste. It is hard to bake for my family since Carley can't have dairy, Parker can't have peanut butter, and Mike doesn't like chocolate! I love all three so it is hard to not be able to use them in baked goods..I can do without the peanut butter, but the dairy...that is pretty important in a cookie that actually tastes good unless you get it from the bakery in Oregon that my sister uses to get treats for Carley..Carley has no idea what she is missing..thank goodness for that!

I had a nice visit on this beautiful day with my friend Susie. It was so nice to see her. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages..I think it just might be ages since I have seen her actually. I know that I have seen her at least once since the wedding but not even sure when that was! Anyways. The kids really had fun playing with her too. It was nice to have a new face in our house regardless. I'm sure they get tired of just playing with me! I'm not always that much fun. I did get to talk about my little girl today, and I did so without crying. I let Susie listen to the songs we played at her Memorial though..I definitely got teary eyed with those..can't help it. The song "I Will Carry You" definitely gets to me in a big way because it is almost like I wrote the song myself. The writer (who lost her little girl Audrey two hours after birth) really nailed the exact way I feel in her words. I guess we all feel that way..I realized last night as I got into bed that I didn't cry yesterday at all! What a big day for me..I know there will be days to come that I don't cry, but I also know that there will be days that I still cry a lot. I am trying so hard to just not focus on her being gone, but every time I go into "her" room for one thing or another it brings everything flooding back into the front of my brain. As April hit this morning it hit me that she would be due in a few weeks. I should be in the waiting period where I don't know when he/she will make their appearance. I have two friends in that waiting game right now, and I am truly anxious to hear when their little ones make their entrance into this world. I can't lie and say that it doesn't kill me that I don't get to experience it, but I am thankful that God already blessed me with two healthy, beautiful children. I think about Aubree and how she was supposed to grow up with these other children in my mind, and it hurts to realize that was not ever intended for her. I just have to trust that God will give me the strength to be strong every time I see them...Sometimes I just want to scream, "Why me God?" I don't know why I needed to go through this..why should anyone have to? God isn't trying to punish me because he's not that kind of God, but he sure had one heck of a way of getting my attention..I hear him loud and clear these days..just wish it didn't have to be in this way..