Thursday, April 22, 2010


I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. I am tired of being sad, tired of missing Aubree, tired of my kids not listening to me, tired of hearing about other's good news, and tired of feeling like I am all alone. I received the Baby Be Blessed doll yesterday and the "I Will Carry You" book by Angie Smith from my mom. I freaked out on my kids this morning because they were fighting over the doll and pulling her in two separate ways..that is my Aubree..that is all I have. I was looking at the doll/lamb this morning, and I realized that the doll would be about the right size so I measured it..sure enough it was exactly 13 inches which is exactly how long she was..I get to sleep with a doll, and my friends get to sleep with a baby..Just feeling so down lately. I was reading through the first part of the book last night, and I was completely struck with how much my life is like the authors. It is almost crazy. She is a redhead, she lost her first baby in a miscarriage, she named her daughter Audrey Caroline..her middle name is Carole so that is where the name came from. I swear she wrote the book that I would write if I ever wanted to write a book..her words are exactly what I would say..I wonder if we all just feel that way.. it is a part of the grieving process or something. I don't know. I just know that she truly gets it, and to read what she wrote makes me feel like what I feel is normal! She is so strong in her faith, and I can only hope to stay as strong as she is. We definitely have our differences though too..her husband is in the band husband (sorry Mike) is better off not joining any bands unless they want to get booed..:) She has all girls..I of course have Parker. I just love the song she wrote, and I know that I am going to love her book too since it is already something I can relate to.

I just want this week to be over..I want to get past Saturday and move on. I can't stand thinking about what we should be gearing up for. Carley went into our guest room today, and told me that Parker was taking stuff out of Aubree's's not HER room. I told her in a nice way that it was not her room, and that she is right in thinking that way because it was intended for her, but she was sick and had to go to Heaven already. She wanted to know why she got would I..Just trying to keep my chin up and having faith that God WILL provide the comfort I need right now..

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