Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I am waiting for a baby's arrival but it isn't mine. It should have been mine, but Aubree wasn't meant to arrive this week. Friends of ours are having their second child, and they are anxiously awaiting her arrival. I am really excited to meet their newest little girl. I am just sad that my little girl is not going to be arriving too. I keep thinking back to when my other kids were almost due..how excited, nervous, and anxious I was to find out what they would be! This week was supposed to be full of those feelings, but instead it is full of grief, sadness, and a little bit of anger..It just doesn't seem fair that she had to leave so early and that I never got to meet her alive. My kids weren't able to meet their sister when that is all they ever wanted to do. My family never got to meet her, we never got to show her off to anyone, never got to hear her cry, see her smile, smell her newborn smell, rock her to sleep, and just hold her while she slept in my arms..hearing those peaceful sighs..There are no sighs of peace around here these days. All I hear is silence, and all I see is an empty room. The room is driving me crazy..I know what it was supposed to be, and it makes me sad to think we have an unused room. Will it ever be filled? Parker's furniture is coming tomorrow, and we will move the rest of the nursery furniture into that room..We plan on making it a guest room, but it is going to be nursery furniture in there..It isn't supposed to be for guests..it was supposed to be for my last child to use until they grew into something bigger..Did we just waste our money on new furniture for Parker? I just want this to be a nightmare that I can wake up from. I don't want her to be gone FOREVER..I think back to the day she was born, and it honestly feels like it never even happened. I know it did physically, but I am not sure I was even there mentally or emotionally when it happened. How could I have gotten through that? It was SO traumatic..God obviously gave me the strength I needed on that day because it is the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. My feelings about birth are so tainted now..I don't want something so wonderful to be seen as something so horrible for the rest of my life. I am just so numb, and I just want April to be over..no more waiting..