I didn't get much sleep last night..I was up late stalking Facebook since one of my friends was having her baby, and we didn't know what it was..When I saw that she had a little girl I was immediately excited for them because they already have a little boy..then I realized that meant all four of us in our Small Group had girls a couple months apart..The hard part for me was seeing her beautiful little picture and realizing that she was alive..I didn't get a picture of Aubree like that..I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up with really puffy eyes..I haven't cried that hard in weeks..I knew it was going to be hard when they started having their babies, but I didn't realize it would hit me like this..I think it is probably the fact that the other three little girls get to grow up playing together..I will be left out in the baby conversations and just plain "girl" talk. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about things in front of me or even share things with me because of what happened. It actually hurts me much worse when people try to hide things from me or not to include me for those reasons..I hate that my pregnant friends barely talk to me anymore..I know they don't want to make things worse for me, but I am still me..I would like to hear about how they are doing and how they are preparing for baby's arrival..In some ways it is easier to just talk about them instead of dwelling on Aubree's absence. I am going to cry for a long time in private..that is just how it is going to be right now until I get more emotionally stable. I don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me either..I know they feel so horrible about what happened to us, but they have something to celebrate..I want to be able to do that with them because babies are such a gift from God..those of us who have lost one know better then anyone just how much of a gift they are..I am going to be sad because I miss my daughter..I will always miss her. There is nothing that can be said or done to take that pain away..Being with other babies is hard sometimes, but I still want to rejoice with my friends who have just had them..I like to think I am not a selfish person in that I can see past my own pain to be happy for others. I am just having a rough day again of course. I told Carley about the baby being born this morning at breakfast, and she immediately told me about how much she missed Aubree. Is she really missing her or is it just a comment she makes whenever we mention the word baby? I don't know..either way it is hard to hear. I just keep telling her that I do too.
On a happier note, I received a beautiful plaque in the mail from Katy today in honor of Aubree. I can't wait to hang it on the wall. I am thinking it should go near her picture once we get one enlarged. My friend Maria made the comment today about how strange it is that we sometimes meet such wonderful people through tragedy..that is how I look at Katy. We both went through something traumatic, but she has done such wonderful things for others who have gone through the same tragedy. God is using her as a light to those of us who only see darkness at times. I just hope that I can someday be a light for others in some way or another. Aubree's plague states "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," Aubree Hope "before you were born I set you apart;" Jeremiah 1:5.. Why was she set apart though? Why did I wonder before she was born or diagnosed about one of the four babies in our small group not being ok? Why did I know it was going to be her? I feared even getting pregnant because I thought something would be wrong..I obviously didn't let my fear stand in the way, but why did I KNOW? It just doesn't make sense..I'm not sure it will ever make sense to me here, but I'm sure I will get my answers someday..
My mom and dad got their puppy last night. Her name is Maya, and she is adorable. I can't say she isn't going to be the dominant one in the house though..I thought Murphy would hold that rein, but I'm not sure she is going to allow that. She even tried to put Roxie in her place a few times..Roxie is used to ruling the roost.. I am anxious to see how the dynamics of all of the dogs play out. My mom asked me today if I was ready for a puppy. I definitely am..I NEED a puppy right now I think for my own sanity and to keep my brain from wandering to the "dark" side. Who doesn't love a puppy?
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My SIL and I were 5 days apart in our pregnancies. Ever since I lost Hannah she has avoided me. Many people have tried to shield me. Many relationships I had no longer exist or are no longer the same. It makes that hurt just hurts so much more to feel so alone. I think people are sometimes uncomfortable. I think they are sometimes almost selfish in wishing you would just feel better so they could. It is difficult. I always wonder if maybe my SIL avoids me because she feels guilty. Of course an unfound guilt, but still----I can't say that I would know how to act had it happened to her instead if me. I don't think you have the capacity to understand the pain unless you have actually felt it. I'm sorry Aubree is not with you. I wish she was.
ReplyDeleteIt's strange that you say you knew....I remember sitting on Bobby's floor crying to my mom on the phone. Our pastor had given a sermon about how and why God picked that mother if a handicapped child. I felt like God was preparing me for something. I felt like Hannah was not mine to keep. She could have been saved. I could have been given anti-biotics and kept in the hospital. She SHOULD be here. That was not God's plan. This was. And deep inside I knew it all along.
I'm so glad you like Aubree's plaque. Know that your family is in my prayers. Know that if you ever need a friend, I am here.
xxx Katy