I made a batch of chocolate chocolate chip cookies last night, and I had one today once the kids went down for their naps, and wow was it good..I don't understand how they can be so good sometimes, but at other times they are almost overcooked when I leave them in for the same amount of time each batch. Who knows. This batch turned out really well so I am thrilled to have them in my freezer when I need a chocolate fix. Little indulgences that bring a bit of sweetness to each day! I love to bake so I am really glad that I have the want to do it now. I really had no desire for so long and that was not like me at all. I wish that I could bake all of the time, but the items never up getting eaten so it would be a waste. It is hard to bake for my family since Carley can't have dairy, Parker can't have peanut butter, and Mike doesn't like chocolate! I love all three so it is hard to not be able to use them in baked goods..I can do without the peanut butter, but the dairy...that is pretty important in a cookie that actually tastes good unless you get it from the bakery in Oregon that my sister uses to get treats for Carley..Carley has no idea what she is missing..thank goodness for that!
I had a nice visit on this beautiful day with my friend Susie. It was so nice to see her. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages..I think it just might be ages since I have seen her actually. I know that I have seen her at least once since the wedding but not even sure when that was! Anyways. The kids really had fun playing with her too. It was nice to have a new face in our house regardless. I'm sure they get tired of just playing with me! I'm not always that much fun. I did get to talk about my little girl today, and I did so without crying. I let Susie listen to the songs we played at her Memorial though..I definitely got teary eyed with those..can't help it. The song "I Will Carry You" definitely gets to me in a big way because it is almost like I wrote the song myself. The writer (who lost her little girl Audrey two hours after birth) really nailed the exact way I feel in her words. I guess we all feel that way..I realized last night as I got into bed that I didn't cry yesterday at all! What a big day for me..I know there will be days to come that I don't cry, but I also know that there will be days that I still cry a lot. I am trying so hard to just not focus on her being gone, but every time I go into "her" room for one thing or another it brings everything flooding back into the front of my brain. As April hit this morning it hit me that she would be due in a few weeks. I should be in the waiting period where I don't know when he/she will make their appearance. I have two friends in that waiting game right now, and I am truly anxious to hear when their little ones make their entrance into this world. I can't lie and say that it doesn't kill me that I don't get to experience it, but I am thankful that God already blessed me with two healthy, beautiful children. I think about Aubree and how she was supposed to grow up with these other children in my mind, and it hurts to realize that was not ever intended for her. I just have to trust that God will give me the strength to be strong every time I see them...Sometimes I just want to scream, "Why me God?" I don't know why I needed to go through this..why should anyone have to? God isn't trying to punish me because he's not that kind of God, but he sure had one heck of a way of getting my attention..I hear him loud and clear these days..just wish it didn't have to be in this way..