April 24th, 2010..A Letter..

Dear Aubree,
I am sitting here thinking about what this day might have held for us knowing that it only holds grief. I know you probably wouldn't have arrived on this day with my luck, but just knowing that you were intended to come this day breaks my heart because you are not going to be joining our family in this lifetime. I have been trying so hard to stay busy today to keep my mind off of you, but as you know that is not an easy task since I ALWAYS think of you..I miss you every day. I miss feeling you inside of me full of life..I miss holding you in my arms even if was only for a day..I miss thinking about what our future held with you in it..I just miss every part of you. I know that I need to enjoy the life that I have here with our family, but I am really looking forward to when I get to see you again. I just want you to know that we talk about you every day. Your big sister is very excited to meet you and hold you one day. I know your big brother gets excited every time he sees your picture too. We are all really sad that you won't be joining us here, but we know that you are in a much better place where you are now so we are happy for you. This world can be really tough, and you only get to experience joy in yours.

I am so proud of you, and I am so thankful for everything that you taught me in your short life. I have become a different person because of you, and I feel like that is a good thing in many ways. I might be more sad then before, but I can't help that because you took a piece of me with you when you left my body and gained your wings. You have shown me what is really important in life, and you have shown me what pure love is. You have also brought me much closer to our Father which is something that I will forever be grateful for. You were truly a blessing to me, and I loved every day that I had with you. Sure I am sad that I get to miss watching all of your milestones, but I know that I will get to see you again so I will just look forward to that instead.

I got a pedicure and a facial today with Mimi. It felt nice, but it didn't take away the pain of what today was supposed to be. Every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful face, and I can't help but cry because I would love to just give you a kiss and snuggle with you on the couch. I wish more then anything that today was the day that I got to meet you for the first time and that we were just beginning our life together instead of remembering that your life on Earth was already over before it even began. I still sleep with your blanket every night. Your sister actually puts it on my pillow for me at night. She knows how important it is to me. I like to hold it against my face so I can still try to smell you on it. I carry you in my heart always, and I will never forget the day we spent together even if it was only your physical being. I thought you were so beautiful even in death. Thank you for allowing me to be your mommy..thank you for being so perfect in every way, and thank you for waiting patiently for me to join you.

April has been a sad month for me because I miss you sweetheart, but I want to stop being so sad so I can celebrate you instead. I am going to celebrate today because you are in the best hands there are. As much as I would have loved to have taken care of you I know that I can't compete with your true creator. He will love you and care for you even better then I can...You are one lucky girl. My friend wrote you a letter the other day because she shares this day with you. She wanted you to know she will never forget you. None of us will sweetie..you are just that special! She is excited to meet you someday too. I think we all are to see if you are just like your brother and sister! Just know that I am thinking about you today, and I am still wishing that things had been different for us because of my selfish nature. I love you sweet baby girl, and I look forward to seeing you again one day.

All My Love,
Mommy