So Very Blessed...

Yesterday was Westyn's Baptism, and it was beautiful in every way. It was a little emotional at times, but it was truly perfect. It started out by snowing on our way to church, and it made me think of Aubree of course. I almost felt like the snow was her way of saying that we had her blessing and that she was there with us. Our church started something new for baptisms so we had to write a letter to Westyn that we read in front of the church. Our letter was hard to write, but I feel like we said everything we needed to say to him in the one minute time frame that we had. We had so many family and friends there with us to celebrate his beautiful life. This is the letter we wrote to him:

"Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Westyn, you are truly a rainbow in every sense, and we are very thankful that you are a part of our family. You have provided us with so much joy and emotional healing, and we look forward to watching you grow up into a man. You were an answer to so many prayers, and our lives feel very full now that you are here. We have so many hopes and dreams for you, but our biggest hope is that with God’s help we are able to nurture you and teach you in a loving environment so that you may make the decision to ask Jesus to come into your life some day. We commit to raising you in the church and to leading you by example so that you may know the peace, love, and joy that God will provide for you. God has been such an important part of our lives, and we hope that you will make Him an important part of yours as well so that all six of us may spend an eternity together in Heaven. We love you more then you will ever know, and we truly feel that God has blessed us with your presence in our family.

I would have loved to say more, but there is only so much time to express how I feel about him being in our family. The best part of yesterday was that our Pastor had asked us once we got to church if he could talk about Aubree. We were not prepared for that, but I was very honored that he wanted to talk about her since he is one of the few who held her. She changed him in many ways because she showed him that even in death (never having lived at all except in utero) she was still a child that needed to be remembered and honored. It was because of her that he honored another woman's twins who died at birth in her obituary. We spoke about being a family of six, and he commented about how standing in front of the congregation was only a family of five..he went on to tell a little bit of our story and about how we are examples of how you can find hope in all of life's situations. She was honored yesterday, and I felt so proud...I am not sure there was a dry eye in the congregation, but my church family got to hear about her on the day that her little brother was baptized. It was also amazing because we had many people there for his baptism who maybe were touched by Aubree too...It was such a perfect day...

Sometimes I Feel Like I Have Failed Her..

I have been feeling pretty down lately, and I know that is probably because Christmas is quickly approaching as is the two year mark in February. I feel like I am failing Aubree in so many ways...not getting flowers in her name at church this year, not visiting her grave, etc. To top it off I have blatantly not told people about her at times. Last weekend I went to the grocery store after church with Westyn, and I ran into my old tennis coach and her husband. They were so excited to meet Wes, and then she asked me how many children I had...I hesitated and finally said, "Three." She went on to ask me how old they were...I knew that was coming, and for some reason I didn't even say anything about Aubree. I didn't really want to get into it right then and there, but I felt so terrible about not saying, "Four." I cringe every time someone says I have two boys and a girl, but I don't correct them if I don't know them..I should ALWAYS acknowledge her, but there are times that it is just easier not to. I wish that I didn't even have to deal with this at times because I feel so torn. I really don't know what the right thing is to do sometimes. I don't really want a pity party, but I want people to know she existed. I can't seem to share her story without people feeling really sorry for me and then in turn making me sad all over again. I feel like I can't win sometimes...

We also decorated our tree this week so that of course unearthed a ton of ornaments that made me sad all over again. I came across the one from the funeral home, and it seriously just hit me like it had just happened. I sometimes can't believe that I even went through that. I am still standing, and I am getting better as each month passes. I think about that month that I knew she was going to die, and I can't even believe I was able to walk around and feel her moving around inside of me just knowing that she was going to die. I was just waiting for her to die so I could truly grieve instead of grieving and hoping at the same time..That time of my life was awful, and it seems like these thoughts just keep circulating around in my head these days. I truly feel like I need to honor her more and spend more time with her at her grave, but Mike keeps asking me why. He wants to know who I am doing that for..for herself or for me..I think it is a little bit of both. I need to spend time with her (even though I know she isn't really there), and I need to spend the time for me because I feel like a horrible mother when I don't give her the attention I think she deserves. I am trying to hard to keep her memory alive in our family, but I feel like I have failed her lately...

Not Much to Say...

I haven't really had much to say lately so I haven't been writing. I have been enjoying Westyn, and I have been busy with visits from friends and family. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people we have in our lives who have embraced our family in both good times and in the bad times. I am very thankful for the people who still talk about Aubree and remember her with me even after Westyn has arrived. She is still on my mind a lot, and there are times when I look at Westyn and I can only see her..She is there, and I am always going to wonder what she would have been like at Westyn's age..I am heading into another holiday season without her, and I find that the holidays make me miss her even more. I think it also probably doesn't help that my kids have been asking some specific questions about Aubree such as "why did she die?" or "how did she die?" I even heard them telling my mother-in-law over the weekend that Aubree died in my belly..I know I am supposed to be honest with them, but I really don't want them telling complete strangers this so hopefully they won't just start talking about it even more. Parker asked me again this morning about Aubree's death on the way to pick up Carley from preschool. He was wondering if it was like how Jesus died on the cross..Death is so vague to them right now, and they just don't understand where they are at the moment. It is really hard to explain to a three-year-old! I sometimes wish that we didn't have to talk about Aubree dying, but that is the reality of our lives. She is not here with us, and the only way we can remember her is to talk about her even if it is hard sometimes...

Coincidence??

Over the weekend we celebrated two milestones..The 22nd marked Westyn's first month with us, and it also marked 20 months since Aubree left us. I am really starting to think that God had this planned all along..we were so busy being happy about Westyn being a month old that we barely had time to grieve that it has been that long since she left us. I hate that the day got away from me, and I barely had time to even think about where I was 20 months ago..I think that is all a part of His greater plan though..the 22nd is supposed to be a day of celebrating and not grieving. I should be celebrating that Aubree is in Heaven anyways instead of grieving the fact that she isn't here with us. I really think that Westyn resembles his sister, and maybe he does because God is showing me every single day that she is always going to be with us in one way or another. For that I am so very thankful..

Emotions..

There are just so many different emotions that I feel these days, and I know that part of it is hormones, but it is so hard to wrap my head around all of them sometimes. I am so in love with my new little guy, and I honestly can say that I feel really happy for the first time in a long time. That of course makes me feel terribly because I don't feel like I should be this happy since Aubree isn't here with us. I should still be missing her like crazy all of the time and wishing she was here with us. I do miss her, and I do wish she as here, but it doesn't consume my every thought anymore. I realize that Westyn was meant to be here with us and she wasn't, but it is still difficult to not want them both here. I can't imagine life with four five and under! :) I would have loved to have had the chance to experience it though. In reality though..if Aubree was here with us Westyn wouldn't be..I am just accepting that this is how it was meant to be because I would never in a million years ever choose who I would want because I want both..

I have been feeling terribly because I haven't been to her grave in a really long time. I was driving home from taking Carley to school the other day and a song came on the radio that really made me miss her. I was thankful that I just had the boys with me because they are both oblivious when I cry. Carley gets really anxious and upset when I cry so I was so thankful she wasn't with me to see that. Just thinking about Westyn and thinking about how Aubree (my baby) was in the ground just got to be too much for me. My poor baby is in the ground. I realize that she has no clue, but the thought of her being there just really got to me for some reason. I just miss her so much some days, and I can see so many of her features in Westyn's face. When he has his mouth hanging open he looks just like her..Mike and I have both admitted to closing his mouth because we can't look at him without tearing up a little..We did release balloons for her on Saturday, and I think that maybe just thinking about how that is all I can really do for her just pushed my buttons this weekend. We released red balloons because Parker thinks that is her favorite color. I have to agree..I am so glad that my kids haven't forgotten her, but I am also really glad that Westyn has brought emotional healing for us in so many ways. Carley is in love with him, and she is really starting to relax about things which is great! I feel like I am becoming more relaxed as well which is good for all of us. I just wish I didn't have to feel guilty for being so happy. I know that Aubree doesn't want me to be sad, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like I will always have these conflicting emotions at times, but I know that this was the plan for my life. I need to just be 100% accepting of how our lives are working out. I just feel so very blessed to be the mom of four beautiful children...

He's here!!!

Westyn Thomas Berk arrived at 12:50 am on Thursday morning, September 22nd, weighing in at a whopping 8 lbs., 6 oz., and he was 20 inches long. Parker was the exact same weight, but he was 20 1/2 inches long at two days overdue! Wow..Westyn would have been a monster!! :) My induction was scheduled for 7:30 on Wednesday morning of the 21st, but we received a phone call at around 6:00 that they didn't have a bed for me, and they would call me when they wanted me to come in. It was a really long day of waiting for that phone to ring! They had us come in around 4:00, and I got hooked up to the monitors shortly after that. The funny part of it all was that I was actually having contractions all day..When I went in and they checked me I was about 2 1/2 cm. dilated which is about 1 1 1/2 more then I was from the last time that I was checked. I truly believe that Westyn was meant to come on the 22nd being that the number 22 has huge meaning for our family. Mike and I were married on the 22nd of March in 2003, found out Aubree was sick on January 22nd of 2010, she was born on February 22nd of 2010, found out I was pregnant with Westyn on January 22nd of 2011 (same day my niece was born), and then he was born on September 22nd..It sort of all came full circle, and he was exactly 19 months apart from his big sister..

Once they hooked me up and saw that I was having contractions they decided to just give me some pitocin to get the contractions into more a consistent pattern so it went more quickly for me. I was able to get my epidural early on, and it was the best one yet! I could feel my legs, but I could not feel any contractions! I labored all night with a great contraction pattern, and Westyn had no problems at all with labor. My fluid was clear when they broke my water, and my contractions were textbook with just a small amount of pitocin. I started feeling a little pressure around 11:30, but I was really trying to hold off for the 22nd so I didn't say too much. They checked me, and I was 9 at that point I think. In the meantime another girl came into the labor and delivery area, and she went very quickly so they were running around delivering her. I started feeling a ton of pressure around 12:30, but I didn't have a nurse because they were with the other girl who just delivered..I had to breathe through a lot of contractions because they had turned my epidural off at midnight. It apparently only stays in your system for about 1/2 an hour. The nurse finally came back to help me (she was all business which was much different from the other nurses I had had up until this point), and she checked and said I could start pushing. I pushed one time, and she told me to stop...she had to go get my doctor because the baby was right there. He came in (as I am feeling the intense need to push), and told me to push..a few pushes later and out he came sunny-side up...When they said it was a boy and I heard his cry I began to cry and gave a small shout because that the best sound I have ever heard..Just holding him and kissing him truly made my heart full..He was so perfect in every way, and the best part for me was that he had red hair!! I thought that Aubree was going to be my red-head, but I guess it was meant to be Westyn...I had to stay in recovery for a while because they couldn't move me until they moved the other girl, but I didn't mind spending every minute just staring into his perfect little face. That nurse who was all business actually kissed me, and said how relieved she was that everything was ok..she said she was pretty nervous for us..I guess that was why she was all business making sure all was ok..

Being that it was so late we couldn't tell the kids about their baby brother, but my mom had Carley call me first thing in the morning. When I told her she had a new baby brother she started screaming and then mass chaos broke out at my mom's house..They were thrilled, and they couldn't wait to come in and hold him. Carley wouldn't even let anyone else hold him for a long time..she is obsessed with her baby brother, and she tells me several times a day how much she loves him. She also kept telling me how excited she was that we got to bring him home with us. She was very nervous about me not being home, but my mom did a great job of reassuring her that we were just fine. Parker loves him too, but he is just too busy to spend too much time holding him! Westyn has truly completed our family in every way, and I feel so blessed to finally have a baby in my arms..I do have to say that it was a very emotional time for us in the hospital and it still is..when I look at his face I see her..she is there in so many ways, and for a while it was hard to look at him without crying because it just reminded me that she wasn't here..It has made me miss her in so many new ways, but Westyn has really made me feel complete. I am just so thankful that all went well this time around..As for me, I am feeling pretty good physically. I am just a bit anxious about a few things, but I am hoping that will go away in time..God sure is good!!!! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They meant more to us then we can even express.

5 Days??

I have just about five days before labor is induced if baby does not come before on his/her own. I am terrified needless to say. We have been trying to get things in order for this coming week, but the more I see of baby things the more I get freaked out. I feel like we shouldn't be getting anything ready at all, but I know that I need to be somewhat prepared because things really could turn out the way that we hope they do this time around..I am trying to stay positive and remember that most people bring home healthy babies, but it is so hard to forget that bad things can happen..I have been faced with talking about Aubree so much lately, and I don't understand why people are asking questions all of a sudden. I keep getting, "Is this your third?" or "How old are your other children?" No one has asked me that for an entire year....I can usually get away with just telling people that this is my fourth, but people are wondering how old they are all of a sudden...I have seen these people for an entire year..I really thought they would have figured out how old my kids are or that they would just assume this one was my third..I have had to share Aubree's story twice this past week (not in detail thankfully) with parents who had no clue, and now they just feel badly for me. I hate when people pity me. That is one of the main reasons why I don't talk about it. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want people to be aware that she existed! Talking about her just reminds me that she isn't here, and that they have no clue she even existed at all..It just makes me sad to think that people never got to know about my beautiful little girl and about how she changed my life in ways they will never understand.

I am so tired of talking about when this baby is going to be here and what will this baby be with the kids..I know they are excited, but I am so tired of Carley saying that she doesn't want another grave and that she hopes this baby gets to live with us. It is such pleasant bedtime conversation let me tell you! I am tired of being nervous all of the time and tired of trying not to allow myself to get too excited. I can't wait to meet this baby, but I am also terrified of meeting this baby..I keep hearing about how emotional it is and how it brings back all of those memories..I am not sure I am ready for that just yet..That day was so horrible yet so beautiful in so many ways, but I'm not sure I want to relive those emotions again. I am so hopeful that my sane self will be in that delivery room..not the crazy person that could possibly emerge..I am just so ready to get through this next milestone and hopefully move on to even more healing for all of us..

On another note..has anyone heard the new song by Vince Gill? I am not a huge fan of Vince Gill, but I think the words are awesome to this song..It has reminded me that no matter what..the worst thing that can happen in life when we are given bad news is that we might just get to go to heaven..

Threaten Me With Heaven

I can see the tears upon your face, no hiding place
And you're afraid that soon I will be gone, but time will still go on
You're searching for the answers you can find, all in good time

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or they years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

I hear angels through the window pane, calling my name
Someday when they carve my name in stone, I won't be, I won't be alone
If by chance a miracle appears, I'll dry your tears

What's the worst thing that can happen,
If they say my time is through
Can they take away the love,
Or the years I've shared with you
What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, it's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, if they want to
Threaten me with Heaven, I believe that it's true
Threaten me with Heaven, I'll be waiting on you

What's the worst thing that can happen,
What's the worst that they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, that's all they can do
Threaten me with Heaven, ooh, I'll be waiting on you

Threaten me with Heaven,
Threaten me with Heaven
Threaten me with Heaven

Please just continue to pray for us as we prepare to bring this baby into the world and that I am able to keep my cool for everyone's sake! :) Much love to all of you! Will keep you posted..

Held..

This song by Natalie Grant has really been on my heart lately so I thought I would share..

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Poison Ivy...

I have a terrible case of poison ivy that has made me so itchy over the past week or so. I have been trying to get rid of it before this baby makes an entrance into this world, but I feel like I just keep getting more and more of it in more random places on my body. The part that makes me the most mad is that I haven't even been in the woods! I am getting it from my dogs! I am so thankful that they are sharing this wonderful gift with me..I have washed everything, but I can't seem to get rid of it..Oh well..this too shall pass I guess! It could be worse I guess! :) I sort of feel "itchy" right now with the baby's due date approaching. I am anxious about delivery, what the baby will look like, how we will all adjust, etc. I am trying to think positively, but I am so nervous about not being able to bring this baby home either. Mike allowed me to splurge on a new diaper bag that I love, and it scares the daylights out of me. I got a new diaper bag (one that I loved) before I had Aubree, but I was never able to use it. It sort of feels like I am setting myself up for the same outcome. I won't even take the diaper bag out of the plastic wrap that it came in. I have everything that I have bought sitting in the nursery unwashed with the receipts in a place where I can find them. Returning unused baby items is not fun, but it is also something I have had to do..I hate being that way, but because I have been through loss I can't help but prepare myself that this could happen again. You try to think positively, but those thoughts are always in the back of my head...

The kids have stated that they don't want to have this baby next to baby Aubree's grave and that they hope we get to bring him or her home. Parker even made a statement about someone taking this baby away last night. I don't know where that came from because we have never said that anyone took Aubree away. I just don't understand where some of this comes from. I guess Parker is talking about Jesus, but his understanding of who Jesus is is pretty vague right now so he just thinks that this man took her away when we say that she went to live with Jesus in Heaven. I don't feel like they are anxious right now which is a good thing, but I am really looking forward to showing them that you can have a positive outcome hopefully..I am ready for my kids to just be the 3 and 4 year-olds that they should be..

Everyone keeps asking me how much longer and a few people want me to let them know what it is like to have three. I understand that Aubree isn't living with us, but it makes me crazy to think that most people don't even know about her. They just look at me and think this is my third child. I don't want to just tell random people her story, but I will if they ask. I have been good about telling people that I have two girls and a boy though when people ask if this is my first and what I am having..To the world we are going to be a family of five, but to us we will always be a family of six..

AHHHH!!

I just needed to vent, and this is of course my best place for doing that! I had my doctor's appointment this morning, and as I sat in a waiting room full of Amish women (yes you read that correctly) I decided that I would love to have an Amish baby..Jk...they are so darn cute though!! :) I don't know if it is their sweet personalities being raised in such loving homes or if it is just the cute little outfits that they wear. I have to feel badly for them though because they have to be so hot in their clothes in this weather! Anyways..I saw my doctor and got checked for the first time, and I was disappointed to find out that I am not dilating at all which will be the first time that has ever happened to me! I am about 50% effaced though so I guess I am still able to be induced on the 21st if I don't go before then. I am almost positive I won't go before then! The best news I got today was that the baby is head-down! I was worried about that since the baby has been transverse for so long! Anyways..back to venting. I had to go to the hospital to do my NST afterwards, and I was in the room with another young girl who must have been having her first. She complained about how her baby boy was beating her up pretty much the entire time..The worst part of it was that the nurse has to ask you all of these questions while you are doing your testing so she started with the other girl first. When she got to the, "Do you smoke?" The girl answered, "Yes." I about died...The girl's mother was so proud of her because she cut down a lot from a whole pack a day to just five a day..Huh??? I wanted to scream..how can you do that to your unborn child? How can she not treasure that little baby in there enough to not smoke at all? I just don't get it..I did everything by the book, and I still had a baby that died..Even before I lost Aubree I would never have taken my unborn child's health for granted..It just made me so sad and angry to think that there are people out there who already don't view their babies as something to be protected..I understand that smoking is a terrible habit and it is hard to break the habit, but I know people who stopped smoking when they got pregnant..I'm sure it isn't easy, but isn't the safety of your unborn child more important? I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but as a mom who lost a baby it is just hard to understand why you would potentially put your child in danger..

What a Rough Morning..

I went to the viewing and service for my friend's daughter this morning, and it was really rough. I hate seeing such a small casket with such a perfect little girl who didn't even have a chance to live..Most of her life was spent fighting leukemia but from what they say she was a happy girl regardless. Hearing her father speak about her about broke my heart. The tears that haven't flowed for quite some time just wouldn't stop because I know where he is at and how difficult the next year is going to be. I told him to just keep on getting out of bed each morning..Sounds like dumb advice, but it kept me going even when I didn't want to get out of bed. I had to just keep putting one foot forward in order to keep on moving forwards emotionally..It was not an easy task, but I hope he is able to do it. The other big factor is having faith..you just can't survive something like this if you don't believe you will see your child again. To see them the last time would be way too final I think..I at least know that she is waiting for me, and I WILL see her again! It is so sad what my friend has gone through, but he is being so tough. I let him know that I am here if he needs me for anything at all. I am just worried about him because he has a lot on his plate right now without having a job, fighting for custody of his son, and just learning to live without Lily is going to be tough. Please pray for him and for his family as they begin this extremely difficult journey.

Just hearing all of the poems, the songs, and being around the sadness just brought back all of those memories of Aubree's service..I am so glad my mom was there to support me through it. She has known Clark and his mother for a really long time too so I think it was good for her to be there to support them as well. I am emotionally drained, and my heart just feels so heavy right now. I wish I could take away the pain that he is feeling right now, but the only person capable of doing that is our true Father. What a sad day for this family...May God grant them peace and allow them to rejoice for Lily and the fact that she is leukemia free and finally at peace..

18 Months

Today marks 18 months since Aubree gained her wings, and I can't believe it has been that long already..I mentioned it to Mike the other day as we were driving into church, and he couldn't believe it had been that long either. It sometimes feels like it was only yesterday that I was pregnant with her, but I'm sure that being pregnant doesn't help with that at all. I miss her, and I can't help but wonder what she would look like right now. I can picture Carley at 18 months so clearly, and I wonder if she would have looked just like her or if she would have had her own distinct characteristics even though she looked just like her at birth. That part terrifies me about giving birth if this baby would be a girl..will this baby look just like her too? How will I react to that? I am trying to prepare myself that this baby could in fact look like Aubree (with some obvious differences of course), but that is easier said then done. I find myself missing her now more then ever because I never got to reach this point with her. I am also thinking about her more frequently because I have to go in for NST testing every week because of my history with her. I have to keep relaying the story of what happened over and over to everyone as my explanation of why I am having them done already..Being on that floor freaks me out, but I am hoping that every time I push the number 5 on the elevator it is going to get easier. They asked me who my nurses were when I delivered her, and I can't tell them because I have no idea. I can tell you who they were with both of my other kids though..That day was such a blur, and I can really only remember bits and pieces of it. Seeing other newborns on the floor makes me crazy..I want to run up to the moms and ask them if they even know how lucky they are to have a living, breathing child in their arms. I of course just keep these crazy actions to myself, but I would love to remind them to be extra thankful for their blessings..

Mike and I have decided that we are going to be alone on the day of delivery because we have no idea how we will respond to that day or to when baby actually comes out. We might be perfectly fine, or we might be a mess..We just want to be given the freedom to be however we are without anyone pressuring us to see the baby right away. We have also decided that if the timing is right we want our kids to meet the baby first. They are nervous in their own ways, and we want to reassure them as soon as we can that we are ok and that the baby is ok. Parker is starting to act strangely, and I am wondering if he is internalizing all of this in some ways. He hasn't been sleeping well, wants to be held a lot, is telling me he is my baby (which he hates being called a baby), and he even told me last night, "No more babies in your belly." I realize he has school starting in the fall as well as the baby coming so I think all of it together is causing him some stress. He has been complaining of stomach pains which could be a combination of stress and some acid build-up from his Flovent inhaler. I have no idea. All I know is that he is not acting like himself. I have been going to more appointments for the baby recently, and we have been talking more about the baby. He is only three, but he remembers what happened to his mommy the last time she had a baby..

I wish more then anything that we could all just be happy all of the time without any stress with this pregnancy, but the blissfulness of pregnancy was taken away from us the day we found out Aubree was not going to live. I still can't believe it has been 18 months since she went to Heaven, but I know that her life is so much better now so that makes it more bearable for me. Her life here would not have been free of pain, but she gets to live pain free forever now..Isn't that something we all can't wait for? Sending all of my love upwards today, and I hope she knows just how much I miss her..

What a week!!

This past week went by in such a hurry, and I'm not even sure what all happened! I taught VBS at our church this year for the preschoolers again, and I ended up having 19 (4-5 year-olds) all week for about three hours in the morning. Let's just say that I am beyond exhausted! We had a lot of kids this year turn out for our program so it was a bit chaotic at times, but it is safe to say that every kid had a blast. There truly is nothing better then hearing 180 kids on fire for Jesus! In my class alone I had two little girls (who are sisters) decide on their own that they wanted to ask Jesus to be their forever friend (that is how we refer to it in our program to make it more understandable for them). It makes me feel pretty good just knowing that they got something out of the times they were being taught by others or by me..I would count that as a very successful week! There is just something about hearing about how your friend's children are singing the songs to their parents all week long..They are ministering, and they do not even know it!

It was Parker's first year at VBS, and he wasn't sure about going. By the end of the week he would run downstairs completely dressed and ready to go as soon as he woke up. I had to really keep my emotions in check when he was in front of the whole group leading the motions and singing the songs..he is only three, but he did such a great job! He was so excited about going, and he even pointed out a cross when we were driving from the church one day to tell us that Jesus died on the cross for us..He got something out of this week!! Carley loved VBS as well, and she always had a lot to tell Mike when he would come home from work which is not like her! She tends to keep things to herself! It was a wonderful week full of joy, and I am so glad that I was able to be a part of it even if it was challenging and exhausting!!

As for me..I am in a better place with things. I am feeling a bit less anxious, and I have decided that I will allow my doctor to induce me if need be. I have decided that it will be best to have him there for my emotional health or if anything would go wrong..He needs to be the one to take care of me since he has done such a great job so far. That decision alone has really helped..I did buy two outfits for the baby to come home in too..that was a big step because I have been so hesitant to buy anything at all. Now we just have to wait and see which outfit we will use! My kids are pretty sure we will be using the blue one! We shall find out next month I guess!

For those of you who have been praying for my friend Clark and his daughter Lily..please keep those prayers coming. She is fighting, and God could still provide a miracle, but..I have asked God to have my daughter waiting with open arms to welcome Lily into her next life where there is no more pain, suffering, treatments, hospitals, etc if that is His wish for her life. Clark will need a lot of prayers to stay strong and faithful through all of this as you all know how terrible the months/years are after you lose a child..

Anxiety

Today marks 32 weeks for me which is very bittersweet..I never made it this far with Aubree, but it also marks the day we buried her..when I would have been 32 weeks pregnant with her. I have been feeling down today, and it doesn't help that I found out a few weeks ago that my doctor (that I love so much) will be on vacation the week of my due date. I am freaking out about the possibility of him not being there to deliver this baby when I need him to be there emotionally. He was on vacation the week of my due date with Carley, but I was able to hold off and get him the day he came back on call because I was a week overdue. The chances of me going that long again are not that high considering I was just two days overdue with Parker. You never know though...I know that I could be induced early, but that terrifies me because you have a higher risk of having a c-section due to stress on the baby. I feel like I am terrified either way..I am scared of letting the baby in there too long because I know so many people who have delivered overdue stillborns, but I am also terrified of putting the baby at risk in any way. A c-section is just not ideal for me. I really need my last birthing experience to be a positive vaginal one since my last vaginal birth was traumatic. I need to remember birth as something wonderful instead of something tragic. I do realize that that health of the baby is #1, but the idea of having a c-section is scary to me. I just need him to be there emotionally for me because he has been through it with us. None of the other doctors in this area care about me or what I have been through...they don't even know in fact. They will once they read my charts, but I still don't have any sort of relationship with them at all. I just don't know what to do..I am going to talk to him at my appointment this week and see what he says. I am already freaked out about delivery day, and to not have him there is just too much to even think about...I am someone who just likes baby to come when baby is ready so I feel like I would be breaking all of my rules just for my emotional health..

17 months...

Today marks 17 months since I held Aubree and since I had to watch her being wheeled away forever.. I have been having these horrible flashbacks of that day out of nowhere, and they are bringing me to tears. My anxiety has been high lately due to the fact that I am approaching the 31 week mark which is the time that I lost her. I am trying so hard to remain calm, but I find that my body is betraying me. I know this baby is different, but it is bringing back all of those horrible memories of that day. I find that I think about her even more these days, and I can't seem to snap out of it. I just want her back, and I want to be chasing after her..I read about so many people's stories, and my heart just breaks for them..why? Why do such young children have to suffer? I know that there is a reason behind all of this, but it is so hard to see when you are the midst of it all. I feel like everyone feels like I should just be fine by now especially since I have another one on the way..This baby actually makes me think of her even more...I will never be "fine." I am healing, but I will never be the same person that I was before. Unless you have been there you can't possibly understand what it feels like to deliver a child you will never get to keep in your arms. I am so grateful for the people who don't try to understand and for the people who keep asking how I am doing. I have heard from so many people that once this baby is born it is healing in some ways, but it brings back your loss even more to the front of your mind. I am scared of all of those thoughts returning back full force. Hormonally you are a mess, and then to put that on top of it just scares me. I am mostly worried about trying to keep myself under control for Carley's sake.. Many hugs and much love to you my sweet girl..you are always missed..

Another Prayer Request..

I have a prayer request for a little girl named Lily who just turned 18 months, and is currently battling cancer. She is not doing well, and the doctors have told her dad that they aren't sure they can cure her, and they aren't sure she is going to make it. I have told him repeatedly that the doctors don't technically cure her..it is God that has that capacity, but I fear that he is losing faith. I have known Lily's father since elementary school, and he used to go to my church with his mother as he was growing up. I have lost touch with him, and I do not know where he stands in his faith, but I know life hasn't been easy on him. He has two children with his girlfriend who just left him. He is with his daughter at the hospital at all times of the day unless his mom relieves him so he could use all the prayers he can get. Lily is a beautiful little girl who is suffering, but I continue to pray that she is healed. Please pray for this family because they are falling apart and crying out for help. May God heal this little girl..

A Wonderful Vacation

We just got back from a truly wonderful vacation last week. We took the kids to Disney for a few days and then we headed to Cocoa Beach while the rest of my extended family went on the Disney Cruise. The kids had a blast, and I think it was the first vacation that we didn't just take our routine to another location! They were both really well-behaved, and we really have no complaints! We really loved seeing their faces when they got to see all of their favorite Disney characters in the parades or just on the rides that we went on with them. We really lucked out too because we were there right before the 4th of July, and we didn't have to use a single fast pass to ride any of the rides! It was overcast so the heat wasn't unbearable which was fantastic! That was my biggest worry about going when we did because I didn't want them to be miserable just from the heat. In Carley's words, "It was magical."

After spending about three days in Disney we took the kids to Cocoa beach for the duration of our vacation. The place we stayed was very family-friendly so the kids had fun with all of the live music and other children they could watch. Carley even made a little friend named "Carly." She was very excited about that, and it was exciting for us to watch her interact with this little girl since she doesn't typically do that due to her backwards nature. The kids absolutely loved the beach which was a surprise to me because I thought the sand might bother them with it sticking to them and with how hot it was on their feet. They were a little intimidated by the ocean at first, but after a few minutes they were jumping waves and having a ball. Parker loved it the most I think, and he would thrown himself down and put his face in the water and splash all around. This is the kid who won't even go off the second step in the pool! I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of the beach..I love to listen to it, the feeling of being at the beach, and the food that goes along with the beach though. I am not a fan of sand or the ocean (due to my fear of sharks). I spent most of our vacation there with the kids in the ocean and digging in the sand with them..Mike thinks his wife was kidnapped! I actually really enjoyed myself at the beach, and I think it was due to their excitement! I just wanted to be where they were..All in all we had a great trip, and I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to take them!

I did find myself really missing Aubree on our trip though, and it drives me crazy that she wasn't able to enjoy Disney with us or the beach. Every vacation we go on I feel like she is missing out. I know she is with us in many ways, but it just isn't the same. It didn't help that on our first day on the beach we sat next to this young couple who had this beautiful little girl named "Aubree." Every single time one of their extended family would come down to the beach they would say her name over and over again..I couldn't get away from it. I couldn't even move because we had paid for our chairs and umbrella for the day in that spot..I thought I might go crazy! Aubree isn't really a name I hear very frequently so to hear it over and over again made me crazy, and it just reminded me that she was not here with us. I just wish that she had been able to come with us, and that she could have met another "Aubree." That is not how it was meant to be though..

16 months..

Wow..16 months already..I completely lost track of time, and I never even realized that yesterday was the 22nd..that is just how my mind is working these days it seems like! I have to admit that it feels like only yesterday that she was in my arms, and in some ways I wish I could go back to that day so I could hold her again. I look at her picture every morning when I come down the stairs, and I can't help but think about what she might be eating for breakfast when I am fixing Carley and Parker their breakfast..would she be into cereal like Carley or "blue toast" aka cinnamon bread (it pertains to the color of the bag) like Parker..I think about how we would be taking all three kids on the Disney Cruise next week to celebrate my grandparent's anniversary and how much fun we would all have together. I know that was never the plan, but I can't help but think about what it could have been like..Missing my beautiful baby girl as always..much love to you!!

Why Are Things So Unfair Sometimes?

I have a friend that I have been talking to for quite some time and we have been supporting each other through our pregnancies after losing a baby..Our situations are similar in a lot of ways, but Aubree's chromosomal abnormalities were just a fluke when her child's are genetic. She had some testing done to see if the baby she was carrying had the same results as her last child's or if this baby's future would be different..She found out yesterday that the baby she is carrying has exactly the same problems as her other child did..My heart is just breaking into a million pieces for them right now, and I keep praying that she is able to pull through this in one piece. She has a lot of tough decisions to make right now, and she could really use some prayers. I just ask that you pray for her family and for God to help her through this emotional time. I know she tried really hard to stay disconnected from the baby in certain ways, but she was very attached. How can you not be? We all feel attached as soon as we see that positive pregnancy test even though we try so hard to be tough..I just don't understand why this had to happen to her again when it was hard enough the first time..I know that God has His reasons behind everything, but sometimes it is just really hard to see through the mud..My heart just aches for her, and I just wish that there was more that I could do to help..I hate feeling so helpless. There just aren't any words that can even remotely begin to take the pain away..

It is time to disassemble..

We ordered a chair for our living room because we have the room now for extra seating. We have had my nursing chair sitting in the place that our new chair will occupy for about a year now because we had no use for it, and it matches our furniture. The dogs have gotten it dirty along with the kids, and we have been anxious to get our new chair so a few weeks ago we ordered one..it came in yesterday..so that means we are picking it up today to put it where it belongs. That means our nursing chair needs to find it's home where it should have been a year ago..our nursery. Our nursery has been set up as a guest bedroom for over a year now, but I have kept the door shut because it drives me crazy to see it when I walk up the steps. It is a reminder of what should have been in my mind..I carried the ottoman up today to slowly make room for the new chair when I realized that our chair won't fit in there with the bedroom the way it is now. The bed needs to be disassembled and it needs to become the crib once again.. I just keep wondering if I am ready for this, and if it is just too soon to even think about setting up a nursery. I have thought about just shoving a bunch of stuff in there for the time being, but the neat freak that I can be at times just can't handle even thinking about that! I have figured out how the room needs to be arranged to fit all of the furniture in the best way in order to accommodate the glider. It freaks me out to even think about setting up a nursery because we never had the chance to last time even though I was 31 weeks..that is what happens when you are moving into a new house that close to your due date! I do realize that things are different this time around, but it still scares me to think about getting a room ready that might never be used...my heart just aches for those people that had to come home to an empty nursery..I never had the time to set mine up...

So today I have been busy stripping the bed and washing up all of the sheets to put away so we can take apart the bed to assemble it back into the crib...I was so excited for our new chair, but I didn't stop to think about how the new chair meant we had to think about actually doing something in the nursery/guest room to make room for the glider. Maybe it is time...I can say that I am not doing anything in there until after the baby comes though because I want to make it gender specific..I can't pull out the bedding we were going to use for Aubree..I need a fresh start..

Just Plain Offended..

I have kept my mouth shut, but I have boiled inside for a long time over this issue, and I think I have calmed down enough to actually write about it now. I went from an emotional high to an emotional low all in about a day last week. We have been working on a photo book with our entire family for my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary on Shutterfly to give to them as a memento of our families over the years. Each family was given a few pages to showcase their family. My mom and I worked on our page together, and she encouraged me to include a picture of Aubree since my grandmother has requested one. I put my favorite picture in with a quote that allowed anyone looking at the book to know that she was always remembered and loved. We finished our page and then I was relieved to be done with my part..A few days later my mom was talking to some of our family, and basically through conversation told my mother that it was just too sad to look at that picture and it was supposed to be a happy book..In other words..take the picture out. So..they wanted to cut one of my kids out of My family page..She is my daughter and has every right to be in that book..just like their kids do. I realize she wasn't "real" to them, but this is My page..not theirs! This book is also for my grandparents who recognize Aubree as one of their great grandchildren and who have wanted a picture of her for a long time. I haven't been able to emotionally pull out the cd to have copies made for them..It is just too hard to see all of those pictures so I have yet to do it. I am going to let someone else do it so she can have them. I was just so offended that they even said anything at all. How can someone be so insensitive? Yeah, I recognize that some of my family barely (if at all) acknowledged her death to begin with, but seriously? Have a heart! So..if something would have happened to one of their children then they wouldn't be in the book either because it is just too sad? Yeah right..I'm sure that is different because they actually lived...She was very much alive to me! I was just so hurt, and still am that they even said anything at all. I am going to tell my grandmother that Aubree was in the book, but they requested she be taken out because it was just too sad..it's not like she took up an entire page..it was just a small picture! My mom replaced the red dragonfly picture (our red dragonfly) in place of the actual picture with a different quote. I understand she is still in the book in some way, but it is just not the same. I just wish that everyone could understand just how important my daughter is to me and how you can't just cut her out of my family because she isn't here...I am her voice, and I feel like I have failed to represent her in my family by not fighting harder..

A friend of mine got this for me, and I think it says it perfectly:
"Just the Same"
I never got to hold you and bounce you on
my lap, I never got to read to you
or watch you as you nap. You slipped
away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to
know I loved you just the same.
-Anne Peterson

A Big Sigh...

Today was my ultrasound that I have been dreading. I felt like I was going to throw up from both the anxiety and from all of the water you have to drink before you go in..I think making a pregnant woman drink 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound is just plain torture! When we went in there the lady who called me back wasn't going to let Mike go with me..I told her we had clearance from the head of the department that he could go with me. She told us to sit back down while she went to ask..sure enough the head of the department came and got me and apologized for not letting her know ahead of time. Mike went in with me, and even just his presence helped calm my nerves a bit. As much as I enjoy the whole realm of pregnancy (in some ways), I am really hopeful that this is the last ultrasound I will ever have to get in regards to a baby..It is just too nerve-wracking!

She did all of her usual measurements while Mike and I watched my stomach moving all over the place. The technician kept commenting on how active this baby was..we could very easily see that on the outside! I guess he/she didn't like being pushed on! The baby looks perfectly fine right now..there are no flags at all! She showed me the umbilical cord (three vessels), the four chambers of the heart, and she told me the baby was measuring 24 weeks and 1 day with a due date of September 27th, which is exactly where I am right now!! Hooray!! Those words were music to my ears because Aubree was only measuring at about 24 weeks when I was 27 weeks pregnant! I just feel like I have been so blessed right now because God gave me the strength to get through it. It was so strange to be so nervous, but I felt such a sense of peace about the baby the whole time..I just knew that this baby was going to be ok..The baby is sort of vertical/transverse right now which isn't a big surprise to me because I had already guessed that based on where I feel kicks. I do have to say that the baby does not look comfortable because it is all folded in half with the feet up by the head! Oh well! It was hard to see the baby's face, but I do have to say that in one of the pictures we were very clearly able to see the profile and it looks a lot like Carley's face..It has the same shape..We shall see I guess..I am just so thankful that we have no flags thrown up right now! God is good!!

A Sad Sight..

On Tuesday I decided to take the kids swimming so we all packed up, and we decided to stop at the cemetery on the way to my aunt's house since I haven't been there since her birthday in February..gasp..I feel terribly about it, but the weather and our schedule has just not allowed for us to go since it is about an hour away. I was so excited to go and spend some time with her and to see her flowers in full bloom since my Foxglove is beautiful right now..When I got there the kids ran ahead, and by the time I go to her grave I felt like sobbing..Her flowers were gone..completely gone! It was like they never even existed. Her grave looked just like it did before we did anything to it. Even the bark mulch we had put down was gone. It was all there in February..how could it just be gone? I am not sure if it was mowed or if they weed-wacked too close to it or what, but her grave is sad. I went expecting to see some life, and all I saw was death. Mike said, "Well..that is reality." I just thought those flowers were so special because they bloomed for such a long time when they are supposed to be done blooming by the beginning of July..they shouldn't last until almost November out in a field where no one is taking care of them..Well..not really anyways..I was just devastated. It put me into even more a funk then I have been in lately. My kids were so upset about the fact that her cupcake was gone as were the flowers we had left for her. I am guessing they were hoping to eat her cupcake..

I know that they are just flowers, but I planted them for her, and they are gone..just another reminder of her loss. I feel like I am really starting to feel her loss more and more now that this baby is so active. Every kick brings me back to my pregnancy with her and how much I miss her. Seeing her grave just reminded me again of how gone she really is..I still keep looking for that dragonfly..I pray that it will show up as a comfort to me again..

Dread..

I had an appointment yesterday with my OB, and it all went well I guess. The baby has been very active, and I gained a lot of weight this month which is good since I haven't really gained too much up until now. I more then made up for it though! :) I knew I had a month like this coming! He did the usual measurements, but he didn't say if I was measuring on time or anything like he usually does...I'm sure he has not said it every time in the course of the last three babies that I had though either, but I am so paranoid that I'm not measuring where I should be because I have to worry about everything. My blood pressure was even elevated yesterday, and that never happens! I think it might have been elevated (not even enough for them to mention it) due to the fact that I knew he was going to schedule an ultrasound. I don't want one..I have been doing so well with this pregnancy because I am just going along thinking that everything is ok. I am relying on God to hold my hand through this, but I felt like I was the one who dropped His hand yesterday..I allowed fear to flood my thoughts. I hate that I have an ultrasound scheduled because it brings me right back to where I was in my pregnancy with Aubree..that dreaded ultrasound that changed my life forever. I am terrified of another ultrasound because of the possibility of something being wrong. I feel like I am going to worry until it is over. I am just thankful that Mike will be allowed to go in with me this time right from the beginning because of our previous experience. I don't know if I could do it alone. Just thinking about going to the hospital again for another ultrasound makes me sick to my stomach. My doctor said he wanted to check the placenta, but he circled intrauterine growth on the slip..which brings me back to my fear of not measuring correctly. I am sure that it is jut a normal ultrasound, and he probably circles that for all of the regular ones as the reason. I just worry because I can't seem to remember what it is like to have a normal, healthy baby. He told me he wanted to do the ultrasound to put my mind at ease as early as he can after I told him I didn't want to know..I seriously felt so at peace with this pregnancy until that darn ultrasound was scheduled..

15 Months..

Well, we are still here..I knew it wasn't going to happen yesterday because of what some man said, but the thought of actually getting to spend today with Aubree was pretty appealing! I just miss her so much, and I can't believe it has been 15 months already. I sometimes feel like it was just yesterday that she was the one kicking around in my belly..I can't help but remember her when this baby moves around or gives me a swift kick..I know that this baby is not her, but I can't help but feel like this baby is connected to her in some ways. I have no idea why that is...I know that all of my kids are connected in a way, but I just feel like Aubree is with me just as much as this baby is. I know she will always be in my heart and will always be missed so maybe that is why she seems to be here..I don't know. I was just sitting here thinking about her today, and I can't help but wonder when I will catch a glimpse of that red dragonfly..Missing her today like always. All my love sweetheart..

Are You Ready?

There has been some talk lately about rapture occurring this coming Saturday, May 21, 2011. I have looked into why they are saying that it will occur this Saturday because it interests me as to why we would know the day all of a sudden. I was always under the impression that it would be an unknown day to us, but according to many people it is this Saturday because of some ancient calendars and some dates that have been discussed in the Bible. I won't go into detail here about all of those dates, but the end of the world will then occur five months later on October 21, 2011. This whole scenario has made me think about my life and about all of those people around me that I fear do not know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. It sort of scares me and upsets me that I haven't done more to get them ready. Even if rapture doesn't occur this Saturday it could occur at any time, and I feel like I need to help those I love see the light so they don't miss out on an eternity in Heaven.

I think about whether or not I am ready..sure..it makes me sad to think about all that I will miss out on here, but when I think about that it seems so silly to even think that way. I certainly won't care about Earthly things once I get to be in a place where there is no sickness, no pain, no loss, and one of the most important things to me right now is that Heaven holds my children! I will finally get to be with them! I can't imagine the feeling of seeing Heaven and to be with Jesus forever. How awesome my life will truly be then. I of course worry about the dumb things like what will happen to my dogs? Do they get to come? What about my children who can't really comprehend what it means to ask Jesus in their hearts? They say they love Jesus, and they know a lot about Jesus and Heaven thanks to us, but..will they get to come with us too because they may not have made that choice just yet because they truly don't understand as a result of their age? I worry because I worry about everything! I can't help it! The thought of leaving my children behind scares the daylights out of me just like it scares the daylights out of me that there are so many people in my life that I probably won't ever see again. I am not God, and I have no idea how Judgment Day will go, but I do know that these people do not have any type of relationship with Jesus at all. I just feel this intense desire to change that, but I have no idea how to even begin to reach out to all of them when they haven't really been receptive to me before. I am the kind of person who doesn't want to push my beliefs on someone because I don't want to scare them away from what it means to be a Christian. I know a few people who are so strong in their faith who truly glow as a result, but they tend to scare others away from becoming Christians themselves because they think you have to be like that in order to be a Christian. I have always hoped that people take a look at my life and see how my faith has helped me handle whatever God has thrown my way. I want to be an example of how much better life can be when you have God at the center of it. I might not be very outspoken about my beliefs unless asked, but I truly hope that people know how much I love God.

I have to say that I feel much closer to God since Aubree was born even though I don't understand why it had to happen in the first place. I sort of feel so much more thankful for Him because He is taking care of her for me. I feel such peace just knowing that she is in such good hands. I miss her here, but I honestly feel like her life is so much better now. I can't be more thankful that she was welcomed with open arms into her Heavenly home that dreary day in February.

I have no idea if rapture will truly occur this coming Saturday, but it is coming..Are you ready for it? Are those around you ready for it? It could happen years from now or it could happen tomorrow..Either way we need to prepare ourselves and make sure we are ready for it to happen so we don't miss out the most wonderful thing in the world. My Pastor made a comment a few weeks ago in one of his sermons about Christianity. He said that we could all be wrong about eternity and that it could all just be a hoax, but is it worth not believing because if we are wrong then we will miss out on the best thing we will ever experience? He also stated that you aren't losing anything at all by believing..you live a much richer, fuller life as a result of your faith so what is the harm in believing? You can either believe and lose nothing or you can not believe and lose everything. I certainly don't want to take that chance..My life is so much better and so much richer because of my faith. I don't ever want to give that up..

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8-9

I Will Never Forget..

I realize that today is International Babylost Mother's day, and my heart goes out to all of you fellow moms who have experienced any sort of loss during pregnancy or after..Mother's Day is really a difficult day for all of us, and I am so glad that we are given a day to celebrate the babies that are patiently waiting for us in Heaven. I have peace knowing that all of our children are well taken care of..

I really love my daughter like she is still here because a part of her is always with me. I knew her, and she is very real to me. I truly get offended when people mention that this is my third baby or that now I can move on...What? First of all..she was my third baby, and this baby is my fourth. How can you just forget a person ever existed? I realize that she was not as "real" to some people as she was to me because they never got to meet her, but I can prove to people that she was a "real" baby..just look at the pictures, remember what I looked like last January, just remember period!!! I can heal a bit more with time, but I don't think I will ever move on..I don't even want to move on. I am living my life without my daughter, but I am certainly not going to move on and forget about her. Yes, I am happy about this new baby, and yes I am happy about life in general right now, but that does not mean that she has been forgotten from my mind. Every single day I think about her several times a day in fact, and I still cry sometimes because I miss her so very much..I am not sure we can ever truly move on or even want to do that. We don't want to forget our children even if they brought so many tears with them. I want to remember her always no matter what life throws my way in the future. She was my third baby and she will ALWAYS be my third child..

14 Months..

Wow..I sit here thinking about the sacrifice that Jesus made all of those years ago so that I can be forgiven of my sins and live my life with him in Heaven. I am really thankful especially on Good Friday this year because Aubree has been able to live with Jesus for 14 months now. I know that she is being taken care of so well, and I know that Jesus loves her probably even more then I do. I just feel so thankful and blessed today to be able to feel contentment at where she is living now. This Easter season has really hit me hard this year in that I am not grieving in the same way I was last year. I am actually celebrating her new life, and I feel so at peace about the fact that she is able to be in Heaven because of the sacrifice that Jesus made. It really is a wonderful feeling...I am still missing her every day, and I have to admit that every time I go in the nursery/guest room I still think of it as her room. I feel badly being that "her" room will hopefully be going to her brother or sister, but I have this strange feeling that she is perfectly ok with that. On this dreary, dreary spring day I feel happiness, pure joy, and so much love for my daughter and for my creator..I feel blessed beyond measure, and I hope that everyone feels this pure joy at some point in their lives because there is nothing better..

"God, you are rich in mercy. Because of Your great love with which You loved us, even when we were dead in sins, You have made us alive together with Christ, (by grace we are saved)." Ephesians 2:4-5

What a beautiful sacrifice...

Blessings..

I was on my way home from picking Carley up from school when the song "Blessings" came on the radio by Laura Story..wow..I have heard this song before, but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks, and before I knew it I was sobbing. My kids were asking me random questions, and I could barely answer them through my tears. It is such a powerful song in so many ways because Aubree was a blessing to me even though she brought months and months of tears..I know she taught me a lot about life and love in her short life, but this song just really reminded me that God was using her beautiful life to pull me closer to Him. Sometimes I wonder why He had to use her to bring me closer to Him when so many others don't ever have to go through trials like this..Are they stronger then I am or are they just better Christians? I have always wondered that, but I never ask why because I just need to trust that God knows what is best for me. I am so blessed, and I am looking forward to seeing what God has in store for me.. He has surprised me already in this lifetime..

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Colors...

I have been seeing colors for a while now just hoping that they will all come together at the end of September to make the beautiful rainbow that we have been praying for. I have been terrified and haven't even told many people including most of our family that we are expecting again. It is such a strange feeling to try to hide something that is supposed to be so wonderful. I was never like that before, but I am just so afraid of losing another baby that it is just easier to not have to talk about it with anyone. I am getting to the point of not being able to hide it anymore though being that this is my fourth baby. My body is just not as elastic as it used to be. :)

I am excited yet sad that this baby only exists because she doesn't. I have been struggling with that for a while, but as time goes on I am slowly realizing that this has been the plan all along. I was meant to have another baby after Aubree. We just didn't know that four children were meant to be in our family..not the three that we initially planned for. I feel so blessed to be given another chance at being a mother to a newborn, and we continue to pray that everything continues to go well. I had an initial ultrasound to pinpoint my due date exactly which was to the day for the first time ever! Aubree was already a couple weeks behind at that point, but I didn't realize it at the time because my cycles were not regular at that point due to the PCOS. I will be having another ultrasound here sometime in the next few weeks I imagine to make sure the baby is developing ok and that he/she appears healthy. My doctor has been so wonderful with me and has been reassuring me all along the way. He wants to reassure me as soon as he can that the baby is ok..We don't know that for sure, but we are very hopeful that all will be fine this time around. Nothing in life is guaranteed though so all I have to bank on is my faith..

Our families have been bugging us because they are excited to share our news with their family and friends. I have been so hesitant to share because I am waiting for the clean bill of health, but in reality (as my mother kindly pointed out) I will still be pregnant no matter what the ultrasound shows. I know everyone will be thrilled for us, but there are a few people out there who think I need special testing now and are extra worried that we will have another baby like Aubree. I don't want to be treated any differently because that just reminds me that something went terribly wrong the last time. I also understand that people just don't realize that it was a complete fluke with Aubree..it was not genetic so I don't even need to go for genetic testing unless I would want to for some reason. I think that has been a part of my hesitation about telling people too in some ways..I need to be more positive..I have tried to keep this to myself, but as I have started feeling those little kicks it makes it all the more real to me. I need to share, and I need to be honest with myself..I have been given another chance, and I need to embrace it instead of hiding it from the world even though it has just been easier to keep it to myself. My kids know and are thrilled with the idea of having another sibling. Parker thinks Aubree is finally coming to live with us, but Carley is more concerned about having another sick baby. Such is life after loss I guess..It hasn't been easy getting used to the idea of allowing my heart to open up again since it was crushed last year, but I keep praying that God will continue to guide me on this new adventure with this new little one..

Speechless..

As I tucked Parker into bed last night and we said his prayers, he began to ask a few questions that I just couldn't answer..We always include Aubree in our prayers, and he all of a sudden decided to ask me some questions about why she wasn't here with us. I explained to him that she was sick and had to go to Heaven to be with God already. He told me that he would fly up to Heaven and bring her back. He also included in this statement as an afterthought that he would turn into Buzz Lightyear and fly up there.. I told him how sweet it was of him to want to bring her back to us, but I also told him that I thought she was really happy where she was because she wasn't sick anymore. He then proceeded to tell me that "God is bad." Wow..I know we are in the phase where everything is either good or bad, but I certainly don't want him thinking that way about God. I can understand why he said that, but I also explained to him that God is taking care of her for us. He isn't bad at all because he is the reason she is healed and happy now. Sure..I have thought in my own ways that God isn't necessarily fair or that the fact that he let me carry her for 31 weeks was a bit much when He had planned that I would never meet her alive, but I believe that God is good! I was just shocked that he was coming up with these statements all of a sudden. I am sure he is trying to process all of this in his own way, but we have never made any references at all that God is bad in any way..I am sure it is just his three-year-old understanding of good and bad, and to him it would seem like "God is bad" when the loss of Aubree is what has caused all of the sadness in our house. My sweet, sweet, Parker just wants his mommy to be happy, and he thinks that by bringing Aubree back I will be his happy mommy again.. Sure, I am sure that having her in my life in a more physical way would bring happiness back to me, but I can't say that her life here would be better then what it is now. I just need to continue being patient because someday we will hopefully all get to fly up to Heaven to meet her..I hope for Parker's sake that he gets to be Buzz Lightyear when he goes! :)

Eight years and Thirteen Months..

Today marks my eight year anniversary with my husband. So much time has passed, but I don't really feel like it has already been eight years! He is my best friend and the person that truly makes me feel content, supported, and most of all loved. He has been there for me through some rough nasty spots in our marriage that included infertility, a miscarriage, and Aubree's death. Our marriage hasn't exactly been easy over the years, but our marriage has grown into something so much deeper as a result of all of this turbulence. I'm not sure I would have survived all of it without him. He really is one in a million, and I am so thankful that God brought us together over 10 1/2 years ago even if I didn't really care for him at first! :) My sister asked me if I had gone through the seven year itch..I actually read that it is now the three year itch..so sad that marriage has come to this, but I had to tell her I never really even thought about it since last year just sort of came and went in a fog. I have always felt really content with my marriage, and I have never once felt "itchy." We seem to complement each other well so we don't even really fight if at all. Of course we get irritated with each other, but it sort of just comes and goes as quickly as it came on. I feel safe and secure with him by my side, and I really feel like with God's help we are in this for the long haul! So...Happy Anniversary to Mike..I love him more today then I could have even imagined when I said, "I do" eight years ago..

Today also marks Aubree's 13-month Angelversary. Wow..13 months already. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was able to hold her in my arms. I wish I could just have one more day all of the time because I feel like it was just too short. I wish that we were able spend every moment of these past thirteen months with her, but God never intended for her to stay here with us. I have learned to accept that as hard as it is, but I still miss her like crazy. I can't help it. She is such a part of me, and it is so hard to be without that important, crucial piece because it is the piece that makes you whole. My kids are starting to get that Aubree was their sister, but they are irritated that their sister was sick and couldn't live with us. I am so glad they are starting to acknowledge her in our family. I have tried to keep her memory alive with them without being too pushy, but I want them to remember her too. It is much harder for them since they never were able to meet her, but I think they are finally understanding that she did exist after all!

As we get closer to summer I am starting to wonder if I will see the red dragonfly again or if she thinks I am ok now..I am not sure I will ever want to not see that dragonfly. It is such a beautiful reminder of how she is soaring in her new life and how she is truly content. It reminds me that I should be that way too..I have grown up so much over the past year, and I hope that she is proud of the way I have handled things here. I know she wouldn't want me to feel sorry for myself every day because she is happy, but I also want her to know that she is never forgotten even when life seems to get crazy with my other children. It is crazy how I have changed my perspective on some things. I am not always negative these days, and I have found that I am able to see the sunshine through the rain. I am just so thankful that she is a part of my life even if it was just for a short while here..

All my love, Aubree..

A "Quiet" Week..

I know that I have been quiet for a while, but it has been anything but quiet here this last week. We had a wonderful weekend last weekend with my sister, Dan, and my new niece. It was so nice to be able to see her again since she has changed so much since I saw her last. While she was here she started smiling too so that was really sweet! We of course ended the nice weekend with a dog fight between my sister's dog and Roxie. We have no idea what happened, but we just know that my brother-in-law saw Luna with her mouth around Roxie's neck. Roxie threw up instantly four times, and she was breathing really funny so I just watched her for a little while to make sure that her breathing returned to normal..It never did, and every time she took a breath she made this weird sound so I decided to call our vet. When I told the secretary what happened she said to bring her in right away. I quickly got dressed, and took her to the vet. They checked her out and said she looked ok, but they would do an X-ray of her lungs and neck just to make sure. When they called me back they asked what had happened because she was really banged up. They showed me on the X-ray how her lungs were basically squished and how one was punctured and almost collapsed. She also had blood around her heart and in her lungs so her prognosis was guarded..That threw me for a loop, and I began to cry. I was shocked, and I think they were as well since she had no marks at all on her body from the fight. I had to leave her there to be put on steroids, antibiotics, and painkillers. I was a mess when I left and tried to call Mike. I was completely incoherent when trying to explain to him what was wrong. He called my sister to tell her the news. She of course felt terribly even though my dog was just as much at fault..if she had just stayed out of it..Apparently Murphy (my mom's dog) and Luna were fighting, and Roxie (the referee) jumped in and got the worst of it. Roxie and Luna just don't get along at all because they are both alpha females. Roxie just got the worst of it because she is so much smaller..Luna is the sweetest dog, but she has had to defend herself so many times against other dogs that she doesn't back down anymore..

They said the first 24 hours were the most critical so they told me to call in the morning around 10:30 after she had her X-rays done to see how she was doing. They said she was better, but she still had to stay there for another day. We ended up bringing her home (thankfully) on Wednesday afternoon, but she is on strict cage rest for 10 days. We are allowed to take her outside on a leash, but she has to go right back to her crate to rest. Ruger is a mess because he can't understand why she is in there so he just keeps hitting the crate with his face and barking at her which in turn gets her all upset..It is going to be a long 10 days! She is also still on painkillers and antibiotics for a while so we are trying to keep her as calm as possible! Easier said then done when your dog has a lot of energy at almost eight years old! It has been a rough week, and I still have to check her gums 2-3 times a day to make sure they aren't white which would mean the bleeding has started again..Yikes! Talk about stress. I know she is a dog, but she is so much more then that to me. She has seen me through so much in her almost eight years of life, and I am not ready to lose her to something like this!

To top it all off Parker got sick and was up for two hours the other night with breathing difficulties. Talk about stress! He has a nebulizer so we ran Albuterol (which caused breakdancing at 4 in the morning) and a steroid through to help him breathe easier. He has been running a fever since Wednesday, but I guess he just has a viral infection. I took him to our pediatrician yesterday to have his lungs listened to just in case. I also discussed his allergy situation with her because we can't get in to our allergist until May. She made a call for us, and Parker will be seen on Monday morning! Hooray!! I need to find out what he is allergic to before allergy season hits us because the poor kid can barely play outside without having coughing fits and getting skin that is so itchy that he ends up ripping it open from scratching. Last fall was terrible, and I am not going to go through that again with him if we don't have to! I need some answers so hopefully I will get them on Monday morning!! It has just been one of those weeks!!

To top it all off Carley has decided that maybe I could have another baby and that this baby hopefully won't be sick..She is four, and it makes me so sad to think that she has to think about babies being sick and dying already..I know that is what she knows, but it still beaks my heart that her innocence seems gone already in some ways. Thank goodness it is Friday!!!

A Little Bit of the Truth..

I have been just living my life as usual, and today I have sat down to really think about this past few days..I feel like I am just going through the motions again. I feel more at peace then I did last year, but it is hard to not think about where I was at this time last year. It was this Saturday (a different day of course) that we buried her, and I had to really say good-bye to her body. I can remember the feeling so vividly..that crazy feeling that I wanted to open her casket, take her out of it, and just run...I'm not sure what that would have accomplished. I'm not even sure I would have wanted to see her after a week because of the deterioration of her body. I think that was the hardest part of it all..watching her body deteriorate right before my eyes. I was honest with a few people this week about what it was really like on that day..how she was really purple and red, about how her skin was peeling off, and about the spinal fluid that kept draining from her nose..I think they were horrified to hear that, but I never talked about what it was really like on that day before. One of my friends thanked me for finally being honest..the other one just shook her head just thinking about how awful that must have been for me. Witnessing what happens to our bodies in death was awful because she was my beautiful daughter. The more I touched her the more she fell apart. I am the one who is supposed to make her all better when she is hurt..not hurt her even more. I know she was in no pain at that point, but it is hard not to think that way when every single jostle caused more fluid to drain, etc..I'm sorry if this is too graphic, but it is the raw and honest truth about that day. The picture on my blog is what I usually have pictured in my head about what she looked like, but every so often the truth sneaks in to my head and I see what she really looked like. She WAS beautiful, but her coloring was not like it was in that picture..

I have found a new song that I really love to listen especially going into the season of Lent. It reminds me of the sacrifices that Jesus made for all of us so that we can live. It also reminds me that I need to surrender all that I have to Him. I know that I have always struggled with that being a control freak, but that is one of the biggest lessons that Aubree taught me..I have to surrender it all because I have no control at all over what happens in my life despite how hard I try to control everything. All I can do is pray and hope for the best in all situations, but God is ultimately in control so He gets to make the final decisions..not me..It is so hard to give up that control, but when you do it almost feels like this huge stone has been lifted from your chest. I am so thankful for the love that we have been shown and for the great care that my daughter is getting in her heavenly home. In reality..there is no way that I could ever compete with Heaven!

"Open Hands" by Matt Papa

To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands


I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands


You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Happy Birthday, Aubree..

As I sit here and reflect about the most horrible year of my life I can't help but smile because even though I have empty arms I have a heart full of love for my family and friends who have supported me through it all. Today has been difficult to say the least because it marks both the worst day and one of the best days of my life. I had the opportunity to spend this entire day a year ago holding my beautiful daughter for the one and only day that I would ever get with her in this lifetime. It was the worst day because I also had to say good-bye in the same breath. Looking back on that day it really was a nightmare, and I probably would have looked crazy to anyone who came into our room because I just sat there staring at my daughter all day even though she wasn't living..I don't care though. That was my only day with her, and I was going to soak up every inch of her before I had to leave that night. I have to say that leaving her was the hardest part. I know that she wasn't living, but I was so worried about leaving her alone. I was her mother. How could I just leave her at the hospital all alone? I even called the hospital to check on her to make sure she was picked up by the funeral home. I just didn't want her to be forgotten by anyone or to be left unattended because that meant that she wasn't important to them. She was my flesh and blood, and I was going to make sure she was taken care of. I just can't believe it has been a year already. This miserable year really did fly by quickly even if most of it was spent in a fog just trying to get through our every day tasks.

We spent the day together as a family as you can see from the pictures. We woke up to about nine inches of snow, and even that made me smile because it blanketed everything in beauty and sort of set the mood for the day..peaceful. We took her some red tulips and we released some pink balloons for her. The kids were mostly just excited about the pink cupcakes we ate with her after singing "Happy Birthday" to her. Carley came to me this morning and informed me that the first thing she did was to look up to the sky and wish Aubree a Happy Birthday..So sweet, yet so innocent, and it brought tears to my eyes as has most everything else today. I just can't seem to stop crying! All of the wonderful posts and notes that people have sent me have been so beautiful, and I feel truly loved by all today..even more importantly, I feel the love for my daughter too. That means the world to me. I said all that I need to say to my daughter today at her grave, and I feel at peace. It was such a beautiful day for a birthday party, and I am so thankful that we were able to get to her despite all of the snow! We will light a candle for her this evening as one of our new birthday rituals for her. My beautiful baby girl has made such an impact on me even in her short time with me, and I know that she is impacting others. I feel truly blessed to be her mother even if I wish that I could have spent this year watching all of her milestones instead of visiting her grave.

A week or so ago I had written on Sirius XM's The Message discussion board about a song that really changed my life. I guess I hadn't read why they were actually doing this discussion, but I wrote about the song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller and told Aubree's story. I received an email this morning from a woman who said she could relate to me and she cried for me after they read my post this morning. I had no idea what she was talking about, and then it dawned on me that they played my song and read my post this morning on satellite radio..I missed it of course because Carley didn't have school today due to the snow, but I am just so happy knowing that many other people learned about my beautiful daughter this morning. I hope that made Aubree smile as much as it made me smile this morning!

I am sending all of my love to Aubree today, and I thank all of you for supporting us through this year. I know that we will continue to grieve, but I am really hoping that this peace I feel sort of carries me through the next year. God has carried me through this far, and He certainly isn't about to abandon me now. Happy Birthday baby girl...